One year ago today I asked you all for some good wishes. I didn’t tell you why – I couldn’t. I wasn’t ready. I had to do this on my own. Well, not entirely on my own, but mostly on my own.

Last year, on this day, two embryos were thawed and transfered into my uterus.

To say it was difficult getting to that day – getting successfully THROUGH that day – is a tremendous understatement. It’s only now, in hindsight, that I realize how depressed and sometimes desperate I was in my struggle to get pregnant. And most of it was mental and emotional. The physical issues preventing us from getting pregnant on our own were relatively easily fixed by IVF. I think I always knew that once we did the procedure, we’d get pregnant so maybe that’s why I panicked so badly 3.5 years ago. We panicked. It’s true, we panicked together. Neither one of us was ready at that moment, but I’ve always felt responsible.

Afterward, I kept myself busy. Told myself it was the right thing to do. I started this blog. Tried to escape how badly I felt.

I once had a dream about those frozen embryos. A letter came to me in the mail. With a picture of an embryo attached to it. “When are you going to come claim your children?” The letter seemed to scream at me. It gave an update on the “kids” like you’d get from one of those orphan children organizations. “Here is your frozen embryo. It’s doing well, but it needs you.” This particular embryo was named Ida. The doctor from the clinic had sent it.

Already I was a terrible mother.

For months (years?) I walked around ready to burst into tears, but at the time I’m not sure I would’ve completely connected it to the lack of a baby. Guilt is an awful lot to bear.

When I finally admitted to myself that I wanted a baby more than anything, it was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I set a course of action – which for me meant lots of psychiatric help – whether or not it was truly warranted – and I built myself a support system that wouldn’t allow me to fail.

I say I I I, but it was always we. Georgie was and always has been and continues to be my greatest support. While it was always our decision, together, to have a child, it was still me who physically and mentally had to be the most ready.

That day last year was bright and sunny and I was scared to death but I was also very excited. There was no turning back. My own personal independence day. In my heart I know that July 6, 2007 was one of my greatest triumphs ever and I can’t believe it’s been a year. What a wonderful, awesome, gorgeous, lovely year.

Well, we survived Florida!

Again with the firsts! Meli was the consummate traveler, which made her travel loving father very very proud and her crazy mama very very grateful. First and foremost, I flew drug free. I can’t tell you how HUGE this was for me. I took every precaution though – lots of pumped milk (which I proudly threw away when we got home – it was totally bad by then!) and a new Xanax prescription – none of which was needed. The flight down Sunday was delayed by weather – and when I say delayed I mean we were next for take off when an incredible storm came through. We were literally on the plane, on the runway, when golf ball size hail started falling all around us with 60 mile an hr wind shears and super lightning. I’m not kidding. It was a freaking monsoon. Then we saw the most gorgeous rainbow ever and took off. Craziness. Here we are on the very uneventful flight home:

I swear, my head’s not that small and my arms aren’t that big.

We flew Jet Blue and since my daughter is a bona fide couch potato, she either did this:

Or this:

I gotta say, if I’m not flying first class, Jet Blue is the best. They’re all extremely conscious of the runway debacle last year when people sat for 8 hrs so you are guaranteed not to be sitting on the plane more than three now. And all they do is apologize for the delays and come on all the time to update you. And there’s tv. Lots of tv. Which makes me feel like I’m sitting in my living room – at least sort of – and not like I’m stuck on an airplane. It was a very nice experience.

Florida was HOT. Stifling. Unbearable. But the baby definitely enjoyed the pool.

Meli is usually pretty good when she takes a bath, and the pool was no different. She was quite calm in the water. Besides the pool, we went for a quick dip in the Gulf of Mexico (water temp: 89 degrees F – my kind of water temp.) We can’t wait until she’s old enough to really enjoy the water. Both her dad and I love to swim.

She was quite the Kool Kat by the pool!

We went to Florida for a birthday party for a friend who hasn’t been feeling so well, and while we were there Baby Meli got to meet Big Meli! And she took a few pictures for us!

All in all it was a very successful visit. Incredibly stressful, but successful. I’m so glad to be home. But that doesn’t mean things will be quieting down anytime soon. Next week is my sister’s annual 4th of July visit with her kids which can only mean there will be much fun and everything will be crazy hectic!

I hope to pop in before then. While the death of blogs – or at least knitting blogs – seems to be on everyone’s mind these days – I still love mine and intend to keep it going. I hope you’ll stay for the ride!

Thank you!
L, C

For the past few days I’ve been writing a post in my head. It was all about how I’ve been restless lately – maybe even a little bored. Meli is such a dream to take care of and don’t get me wrong I’m loving every poopy diaper and every late night feeding, but I still am having a hard time carving out some time in the day to do stuff. Nothing fancy – just stuff that doesn’t involve holding a baby. I miss knitting. I miss blogging. I miss having a creative life outside of Mommy-ness. I think it’s worse because she is so easy. It was going to be one of those posts, so be glad it’s most likely not going to happen.

Of course, then, yesterday she actually took a nap in her swing and I was able to clean up a bit and we had a fabulous photoshoot and I was even able to process the photographs.

Meli is doing great! She had her three month appointment the other day and she’s now 12 lbs, 24 inches which puts her right smack in the middle of the charts. Fifty percent across the board. And yet she seems so big to us. She’s doing so many things – talking all the time. She can lift her head wonderfully:

Although tummy time still ends like this:

We’re still taking our long walks most days and usually she sleeps, but she’s also become incredibly fascinated with these two little toys attached to her car seat. She can stare at them one – going back and forth between the two – for an amazingly long time (for a three month old!) and she gets so animated, talking to them and kicking her feet. She loves to kick!

I’ve been trying to get her on video but every time we turn on the camera she clams up. Seriously. She’ll be talking and laughing and on goes the camera and nothing. Turn it off and she turns it on again. Little stinker!

One thing she does that I just love is wring her hands. I’ve been calling her an old washerwoman – you know – wringing her hands – woe is me. My kids never call. The sky is falling. But then a few people actually said it looks like she’s knitting! And these were strangers who don’t know me at all! What do you think?

Maybe it’s too hard to tell from pictures. I’ll try to get some video – if Meli will cooperate. Another thing she just loves to do is chew on her fingers. She’s been putting her fingers to her mouth since she was born, but now she can actually get them inside. Occasionally you can hear her slurping away on her fingers. She seems to prefer them over her thumb. But not really in any consistent way. She’s still a paci girl.

Now that she’s entered the Golden Age of Babyhood (all smiles, more sleep, still not mobile) I’m going to try hard to put her down more. She never liked the sling very much and she’s good in the Baby Bjorn for a limited amount of time now that I can turn her out, but it’s still awkward for me. I also think some of my crabbiness has come from being out too much. We were in Philadelphia three weekends in a row. (Twice Meli and I drove by ourselves! Cross another milestone off the list!) I’m so looking forward to doing NOTHING this weekend. Maybe some pool time. Maybe some knitting. I still haven’t been able to seam those sleeves on her little sweater. Even if we just sit around as a family. That would be enough.

I leave you with more pictures of my girl. Thanks, as always, for indulging us. We so appreciate it!

Can I tell you how many blog posts I’ve written in my head lately? I miss it so much and it’s not because of any sense of obligation – although I do feel that sometimes – it’s more that I have a lot to say. I’m too tired to find the words and when I have them, I’m usually no where near a computer.

I’ve been thinking a lot about firsts lately. Sort of a no brainer now that I’m a first time mom. Everything Meli and I do together is a first – and truly everything she does is a first and she’s the first born daughter of a first born daughter of a first born daughter. Kind of cool, no?

The last few weeks have been FULL of firsts for me and my girl:

— We took our first train ride together! It was a big success and we even met another little girl on the train who was EXACTLY a year older than Meli. Seriously – same birthday. Isn’t that a hoot? And everything about the ride went off without a hitch. Although watching the other little girl squirm around and want to run free told me we won’t be taking the train once Meli’s mobile. Too much trouble.

— Meli thoroughly enjoyed her first sleepover with her cousins. It was a huge weekend for firsts – first time in Synagogue. First Bat Mitzvah. First time meeting some of her cousins. FIrst ballet recital (watching, not dancing, of course.) It was a really good weekend and I’m excited to spend time at my sister’s more often. Now that I know we can sleep over successfully, I think we’ve got a lot of fun times ahead this summer.

Then we came home and it was even more firsts!

— Meli made her first trip out to Long Island to visit her FAinLI. This trip was VERY significant in that I drove us out there – by myself. I know I’ve talked about my anxiety and panic on the blog before and one of the ways it’s manifested itself in the past is that I hate to drive longish distances by myself – especially on highways. I’ve had bad panic attacks – so bad I’ve pulled over on the side of the road and waited for someone to come get me. Hence my love of trains. But since I got pregnant and Meli’s been born, my anxiety and panic have really regressed. I still get anxious, but I don’t have the time, energy or inclination to indulge it anymore. In a lot of ways, my past anxiety was a luxury. That’s not to say I don’t have a mental condition that predisposes me to anxiety and panic, it’s just that I can harness all my skills to control it and my life is such that I’m able to control it better than ever. Which is just a really long way of saying I drove out to Ann’s by myself and it was totally fine. I had my moments, but they quickly disappeared. The real REAL test will be if I can drive down to Philly on my own – and when I say on my own I mean with my most precious passenger.

It was quite an accomplishment for me, and also it was really natural. Something’s changed since Meli was born. My psychiatrist thinks I’m cured – he says I’m the calmest he’s ever seen me – and he’s known me for fifteen years (which in Woody Allen years is a lifetime!) It’s like I used up all the craziness trying to get pregnant and worrying about getting pregnant and what would happen once the baby was born and then I got pregnant and I stopped being so crazy. Crazy, huh?

Okay – what other firsts? It was Meli’s first time around animals – dogs to be precise – and honestly – I don’t think she noticed. No matter how cute those pugs are. She went to spinning guild and didn’t seem all that interested in the spinning. Although I really miss it!

Then we came home and found out that three days later we were going on our first family ROAD TRIP! And getting a NEW CAR! We needed a new car once Meil was born because fitting the seat in the back necessitated us moving the position of the seats in the front – not a comfortable ride for G or me. And of course, the one car we wanted could only be found in Vermont. After two months of searching for the car, we didn’t really want to wait for it to be trucked down and when the dealership told us we could drive one of their cars up to Vermont and switch it out with our car, we jumped.

The best part? Our trip took us right past Yarn Mecca. Literally! I told Georgie we just HAD to stop. So Meli and I took our first trip to WEBS!!! How cool is that? I emailed Kathy, one of the owners, before we went and she was so gracious taking us around the HUGE shop. When I tell you this is the biggest yarn store of all time – that’s only scratching the surface. I know I didn’t see all that was there – no way no how. Thank you Kathy for helping me out!! It was great to see you and I’m so glad we got a chance to stop in! Of course I bought stuff – I’ll try to get pictures to show you – but don’t count on it. (Sadly, I took no pictures, but Kathy has photographic proof of our visit on her blog. Thanks again Kathy!!) b

We ended up in Montpelier – hungry and exhausted. We made the trade and LOVE our new car!! The next day we decided to do a bit of reminiscing on our way home and stopped off to show our daughter where we got married.

Georgie and I were married almost seven years ago on the court house steps in Newfane, Vermont. It was just the two of us and our jp. Gotta love Vermont! No witnesses necessary and CHEAP! If you’re ever looking for a place to elope – Vermont’s got it all over on Vegas.

It was a beautiful, beautiful day. The sky was as blue as the day we were married, but it was much cooler. Just a wonderful memory and it was made even sweeter by our daughter.

I mentioned how much I love my new car, right? Here she is!

A Volkswagen Passat Station Wagon. In Mocha. I learned how to drive on a brown Impala station wagon so this is so much fun for me. The best part though is that G and I can sit in the front seat together (i
n the other car, with the car seat, one of us drove (obviously) and one of us had to sit in the back because of the way we had to adjust the seats to fit the baby seat.) Oh my god we were all like holding hands and stuff. So nice! And the back seat is HUGE! LOVE THIS CAR! Did I mention how fast it is too? Faster even than the fast car. LOVE IT!

Last but not least, on Memorial Day, my girl had her first dip in the pool!!

I guess she kind of liked it because she didn’t complain at all and the water was FREEZING. Don’t worry, it’s not like she went for a swim or anything, we literally just dipped her toesies in and got them a little wet. Can you tell how big she is?

And how cute is her little bathing suit and matching sun hat?!?!?!

I ask you – is she not the cutest thing ever?!?!?! Don’t you just want to eat her up?!?!

It’s officially summer!

I’ve got another first coming soon – my first baby sweater for my girl. I’ve got one more tiny little sleeve and then I have to seam it together. I can’t wait to tell you about this sweater and I promise PROMISE it won’t be long before I’m back again.

Miss you. Love you.
C