(My girl is asleep in her sling as I write this – we’ll see how much hands free time I get.)
Terry asked the other day if things were really going as well as I’ve written and honestly they are – I don’t have much to complain about other than the usual lack of sleep. Meli is a wonderful baby – she’s full of smiles now and is growing like a weed. Her daddy and I constantly remark on how HUGE she is! When we’re out people will comment on how tiny she is – “She’s so new!” and I’m all like are you KIDDING ME? She’s a monster she’s so big! The other day at my Mom’s I did the scientific weighing of the mother then weighing of the mother and baby (on her digital scale) and she topped off at 10 lbs. This was right before her six week birthday. She doesn’t go back to the doctor until she’s 8 weeks so we’ll see. I fully expect her to be over ten pounds – maybe even over 11!
Despite all the goodness, yesterday I definitely hit a wall. Many of my long time readers will know that I love a good obsession and my new one is our daily walks. We live right on a river and behind our apartment building is a maze of town homes that line the river. There are walkways all over the place and I’ve discovered that if I do the “loop” twice, it takes me about an hour. I walk at a pretty good clip – I work up a nice sweat – and the weather has been so beautiful that it’s a sin to be inside. Also, when we’re outside, Meli is usually asleep and I’m NOT nursing. So it’s been our practice to go out everyday during the work week. Every day. Even if I’m so tired I can’t move I still want to go out and as soon as get past the five minute mark I’m loving it! It rejuvenates me! The only problem is that if I can’t do the loop twice, I get really frustrated. Like yesterday. Meli slept soundly for the first loop and as we rounded the corner to start the second she got more and more fussy. I stopped and tried to talk to her or give her the paci again – her eyes were closed the whole time – I KNOW she wanted to be sleeping – but she just wouldn’t budge. I even tried to nurse her a bit on a bench and she fell asleep but woke up as soon as I put her back in the stroller. (I know I should bring my sling with me, but part of the joy of the walk is how sweaty I get – I can’t imagine half way through the walk strapping her to my chest. NOT FUN.) In the end I abandoned the second part of the walk. It was early in the day and I thought I’ll just go back out and try it again later.
I’m telling you, though, this is really the ONLY time that I want to throw my own tantrum. I’ve somehow rolled all of my ME time – my knitting time, my computer time, my bathroom time, my shower time – into my walk. If I don’t get to do my WHOLE walk it makes me NUTS!
Of course, by the time we got back to the house, she was sound asleep.
Fast forward to later in the afternoon. We’d been nursing on the couch off and on for awhile and she seemed like she was ready for an extended nap so I got us all ready to go back out again. It was even MORE beautiful if that can happen and she was sleeping away until we got to the SAME place we were the first time she got fussy. Only this time there was NO consoling her and I ended up carrying her home while pushing the stroller. Man was I bummed.
Then we were back on the sofa and she was asleep after nursing but I was feeling weird. I was on the phone with Ann and I swear my body was paralyzed. I could talk and think but I couldn’t MOVE I was so tired. It was all I could do to lay down with her and take a nap. I slept for about an hour, but then she woke up and I had to wake up and I was a zombie the rest of the night. I do feel a bit better today, but that sleep deprivation is scary stuff.
Lame post. I know. I’m trying. I miss blogging. I love my daughter more than is humanly possible – you know – the way a mother loves her child but I miss knitting! I miss it so much I think about it all the time. In the same conversation I had with Terry she told me how when her daughter was a baby she would sit and nurse and look through all her old knitting magazines imaging all that she would knit. She couldn’t wait for a new one to come. I know that sweet torture. Ravelry is going to kill me.
Mothering my daughter is the best thing I’ve ever done, but dudes, I miss you all. And my god, do I miss knitting.
Motherhood is bitter sweet. The only thing that saved my sanity was my baby swing. Amanda loved that. She would doze in the swing and I could knit sitting in front of her. Try different things and see what works for you and your pumpkin. Good luck. Love to read your blog.
It’s a new type of tired! You can’t explain it to anyone, but it does go away some time around 12 weeks. Energy just comes back, it did for me anyway.
I’m not quite there myself…but I hear about mothers who take their kids to baseball or gymnastics or piano…and get to sit and knit while they wait. Something to look forward to.
I wonder if it would help to imagine you are knitting. I’ve read that some famous Russian pianist – I forget which one – spent his time in prison in Siberia imagining that he was playing the piano. And when he was released years later, he could still play. (not saying that you will forget how to knit!)
Not that I have tried this myself, you understand…. Give baby a kiss for me.
It will get better. You are right, that sleep deprivation is the culprit. I had twins, then two singletons, and I was no less wrecked with the youngest two, because in the end, sleep is key. And that part will get better and better. And knitting will happen! You’ve already done far more knitting than I’ve ever done in my kids’ first weeks, and I am in awe :).
The thing is…just when you figure out one thing, something else changes. I’m not a “go with the flow” person by nature, but my little one is helping me to learn, in a good way. I need me time, too and that has been the hardest adjustment for me. So, I’m learning to find creative and flexible ways to get the me time.
The thing is…just when you figure out one thing, something else changes. I’m not a “go with the flow” person by nature, but my little one is helping me to learn, in a good way. I need me time, too and that has been the hardest adjustment for me. So, I’m learning to find creative and flexible ways to get the me time.
Having children has forced me to be more flexible. I hate it. lol! But in all honesty, that new baby time goes SO fast. It’s a mere blip on the screen of your life yk? What’s a couple of months in an entire lifetime? What’s a couple of years before they’re busy with school and such? Nothing. Even though it’s the hardest job on earth, it really does go by quickly. I try to remember that… it’s not always easy, but I try…
I know exactly what you mean about the walk tantrum. I remember one morning in my son’s early babyhood I was on the verge of freaking out because I couldn’t sit and have some tea and toast for a couple minutes. You carve out these micro-mini moments for yourself and *&%^ if you’ll give them up.
We’ve all been there. I’m headed for it again…
I can remember my little guy falling asleep on my chest. I’d just leave him there and knit over him, around him, any way I could.
I wasn’t blessed with a “good” baby. I love him, but I can’t tell you how many times I pushed the empty stroller home while carrying the baby. Sometimes I was actually crying. The neighbors probably all thought I was nuts, you know, more proof that those long-haired people over there are weird hippie artists, but I learned to take the sling everywhere. And now he’s almost two! And he insists on walking! Will not let me carry him unless he needs some consoling (or I’m trying to make dinner…).
I can only agree with others who say it will get easier. The sleep and the time will come back incrementally, and soon you’ll notice it’s gotten a little easier. (Then, like the say, it’ll all change again….at least you can count on that!)
You’ll get there again. In time you’ll have much more time but your girl definitely needs all of you for now. It is temporary and I hear (and can testify) that it goes all too quickly!
I know exactly what you mean about ME time getting squished into your exercise time. I ran a lot before I had a baby but since B came along, I’ve been a VERY dedicated runner because it’s guaranteed mama time. One thing that I found helped me was to get up an hour before the baby (once she’s predictable about sleeping, that is). I was probably more sleep deprived but it was so much better to wake up for a morning run than to be woken up by a crying baby. It made it a lot easier for me. I hope you get lots of second loops in!
This might be a lot of, or even too much, information. After the girl was born, I had to stay in bed a few weeks, then take it easy a few more, so when I was able to move again, I *really* wanted to move. All the time not moving had greatly lowered my stamina, though, so I had to build up again. Each day I’d go to the park and walk a little further, and turn back, with the goal that I would eventually be able to get all the way to a bridge a mile away and be able to come back on the other side of the creek. One fine day, I loaded the girl into the snugli, took off and felt so great that I just knew I’d make it. She, however, had been saving her poop for several days, and being only breastfed, it did not change consistency even if it was several days, and when this usually happened it would require two or three diapers to contain it. However, I was halfway to the bridge when she decided to let go and found myself with a baby with a full diaper *and* full snugli which promptly dribbled into my shirt and down into my pants. A unexpected midday bath was suddenly on the agenda and it was another week before I made the bridge.
I think that mothering is really about letting go. Letting go of all the expectations and limitations you always thought were true. And just when you think you have discerned the *new* expectations and limitations, they change. Take it easy, enjoy, don’t stress over things that will only last a day or a week or month. Savor it. The time goes so fast.
i totally feel ya on this one! all us mothers have been there but i’m sure it doesn’t make you feel better to hear that 🙂 in answer to your email, let’s talk about getting together! sorry i’ve been so absent 🙁
Goodness, I can sure relate to that level of tiredness! It’s fabulous that you’re getting out for fresh air and exercise and you time, but please take it easy on yourself! And do make sure you’re eating/drinking enough. Nursing takes a lot out of you, and it’s easy to become depleted. I love seeing pictures of baby Meli. She looks so happy!
you’ll knit again….I promise.
I have a comment about the knitting … felt the same way right after L’il I was born in August. No matter what, I could not bring myself to use dpns anywhere near him (I kept thinking, “pierce the soft spot and drain the brain”) but I found that a short circular size 5 and some cotton was very doable when nursing and I made myself a few burp cloths, bibs and miter squares. It soothed my grief about not knitting. Helped me feel a bit more sane. Plus, it helps to know how to knit while simultaneously nursing a wriggling bundle 🙂
The only thing that saved my sanity was letting go of expectations and plans for the first few months. I kept repeating “the source of unhappiness is unmet expectations — so don’t have any!” But then, as are many new mothers, I was cross-eyed from lack of sleep.
I totally get the sleep deprivation thing. I have three little kids, the oldest of whom is barely three herself. Yup, I’m crazy, and tired, don’t forget tired… You are right though, it is the best thing I’ve ever done taking care of these three little people. However, I do sometimes feel like throwing my own temper-tantrum, especially when all three are screaming at the same time! Sure we are moms, but we ARE still people, and that means that sometimes we just need a break! I was thrilled a week ago that I got to go to the grocery store with only ONE kid in tow, LOL! Don’t worry, you will get to knit again! Some days I can get quite a bit done while I’m just hanging out in the living room watching the kiddos play. Don’t worry, your life will seem normal again someday. It never gets back to what it used to be like, but then I don’t think any of us would want it to. 🙂
Ahhh, there is a balancing act that comes with new babies….learning how to balance our needs against their’s. I know it’s something I still struggle with…You’ll find it!
I used to call that first few months of sleep deprivation “swimming under water.” Everything is in slow motion, people talk to you as if they are far, far, away, things you do, you do twice, because you can’t remember if you already did it.
It gets better. And, it’s simultaneously the coolest, and the most frustrating thing you’ll ever do, this raising a child. At least I think it is.
Oh my gosh, your so cute thinking she’s big. My 3 girls were about 10 pounds the day they were born! She’s an adorable little blossom.
ahhh, treasure those baby days….
Your daughter is beautiful!!
Happy Mother’s Day!