Today we have no heat and no hot water. Also, they’ve started the dreaded drilling I talked about way back when. They’re refacing the outside of our building – including taking off the balconies and redoing them. They haven’t gotten to my unit yet, but they’re getting closer and closer. All you hear are jackhammers off and on all day. In the cold with no hot water. And I’m pretty sure my neighbors are running a restaurant next door.
Fun times.
We started our childbirth class a couple of weeks ago and while I always knew, you know, intellectually, that the baby will come out somehow – I hadn’t really given much thought to HOW it will come out. The details and all. I’ve never been one of those people who thinks that a baby should be born in a field or underwater or god forbid my living room (not that it wouldn’t be nice to be able to crawl into my own bed after the kid arrives, but can you imagine the CLEANING I would have to do to get my house ready for something like that?! Makes my head spin.) But at the same time I’m not the kind of person that wants to walk into the hospital with my c-section scheduled around my favorite television shows.
DISCLAIMER: GIVING BIRTH IS ABOUT AS PERSONAL AS IT GETS. EVERYONE IS ENTITLED TO THEIR OWN BIRTH EXPERIENCE, HOWEVER THEY CHOOSE. NO JUDGMENTS HERE.
I’ve never given birth before. I have no idea what it will be for me. At the class the other night the instructor went around the room and asked all the women how they thought they handled pain – then they asked the partners to corroborate. It was strange for us because my husband has been in fairly constant pain since he was about 14 years old and while I’ve had great experience with MENTAL pain and anguish, I’ve never really had to endure physical pain. So who knows? That first contraction might hit and I might be begging for the epidural.
But I’d like to go into this thinking I’m going to get as far as I can WITHOUT drugs and see where it takes me. I want options.
The instructor alluded to a few things about the hospital where I’m giving birth that didn’t sit so comfortably with me and I started to get upset. Prematurely. I haven’t discussed any of this with my doctors and I’m honestly only starting to feel my way about the whole thing.
Which brings me to the topic I really want to talk about – ANXIETY. I’ve dealt with anxiety and panic my entire life, but this is different. This is REAL. Most of my anxiety has been irrational – some kind of circuitry issue in my brain that starts to flip out when I’m feeling out of control or my hearts beats a little fast – there’s a trigger and suddenly I’m sweating and breathing heavy and my gut starts to twitch and if I indulge the feelings I’m in full blown panic. I KNOW what this is. I’ve lived with it for close to thirty years and I’ve made GREAT strides to manage it.
This panic? This new panic? This anxiety about bringing a new life into this crazy fucked up world? This life that I’m – ME – responsible for? Holy shit. Now that’s FEAR.
I’m trying to take it all in stride. I mean, it’s not often in my life that I get to be scared with GOOD REASON. I should embrace that right? My problem is that I spend a lot of time trying to decide whether or not my reactions are NORMAL. Am I too anxious? (Before anyone starts to tell me about PPD and all that, you should know that I see a mental health practitioner way more than I see my OBGYN. I’m well taken care of because of my history.) Yesterday I read something about Halle Berry – who’s also due in March – and she said that she’s started thinking about giving birth and she’s completely freaked out. Even more so than she was at the Oscars! Just the reality check I needed!
I’m lucky to be surrounded by rational, knowledgeable women who’ve given birth lots of times and can assuage my fears. Or at least validate them. That’s important.
By posting this, I’m not looking for everyone to unload their magical, tragic, run of the mill birth stories on me. And I know that everything will be all right. My husband is bucking for COACH OF THE YEAR and I’m not sure you could get a more supportive partner. My corner is STACKED baby! And I haven’t lost sight of the ultimate goal – a healthy happy baby – and more importantly – a HEALTHY HAPPY ME! However, whatever we need to do to get there.
I’m posting this because I’ve been pretty honest about my feelings this pregnancy. I haven’t sugar coated anything. And now that I’m getting down to the end I feel like it’s just as important to talk about how I feel – my fears and such – as it is to talk about my acid reflux that makes me sit up in bed at night gasping for air because I was choking on my own bile. Did I forget to mention that? I’m taking steps. It’s getting better. Last night I slept so well I didn’t even get up to pee. YAY KEGELS!
Every day I get a comment from another reader who’s also pregnant – who knew there were so many of us? And maybe my writing about how scary it all is will help someone else who’s also terrified. And just so you know – it’s not all scary. The other day I was rubbing my belly and thinking about the doctor pulling that sweet babe out of me and saying “IT’S A ____!” and putting the baby on my chest and then saying hi to the baby and then looking into Georgie’s eyes and watching him fall in love with our baby and man I lost it. I’m losing it now. Fear isn’t everything you know.
Great post. You’ve really captured all of the emotions a first time mom goes through. The wonder, the fear, the nausea.
I remember my Lamaze classes making the actual birth seem real to me and yeah, it scared me. I think it was the videos they showed us.
I think you’ve been doing great through the whole experience. This baby is one lucky kid to have you and G for parents.
When my ob/gyn started talking about me giving birth I told him under no circumstances was I going to give birth — no, not I! I had contracted Scottie from Star Trek to just beam the baby out of me. Boy, was I mad when he didn’t show up and that baby came out the ‘normal’ way. ha ha
I have to say that I really appreciate women being honest about their pregnancy and birthing experiences. My close friend had a baby two weeks ago and she was completely open about the whole undertaking, hemorrhoids and all. This honesty has to calm me in my eventual pregnancy right, RIGHT!?!
I’ve never given birth, and hopefully won’t for a while(I’m going to get married first, and get out of high school while I’m at it) but I think I kind of understand what you’re going through. I wouldn’t be suprised if I find out what I’m imagining is far from the truth, but still, it totally makes sense to be freaked out.
I don’t know of a single woman on the planet, past or present, who hasn’t been freaked out a little. I have high hopes, and I think you and G will be wonderful parents to a happy, healthy baby.
I applaud your honesty about your feelings during this pregnancy. When I was pregnant 9 years ago (9! I can’t beleive he;s going to be 9 next month!) I struggled with lots of feelings, and didn’t share them because I was worried about what people would think. I wondered what kind of mother I would be, what kind of family we would become. And you know what? I became the kind of mother my son needed, and the three of us becoame the family I think we needed to become. It changes all the time, but it works for us. It’s not the same as anyone else. I know you and George and the little one will be the kind of family that works for YOU. Warts and all. That’s all that matters. And the puking? Just wait until it’s the kid’s turn. Hoowee, mine could compete with the best of them…
I’m not an anxious person by nature, and I was a complete ball of nerves for my last trimester, so your nerves are completely understandable.
I’m not going to share any magical birth story or whatever, but I will tell you a couple of facts: by the time you get to the point where they’ll start asking you about the epidural, you’ll know whether you can handle the pain or not. The pain will not get any more intense, it will just become more frequent. Also, the epidural will dull the pain, but will also increase the time you’re in labor.
I went in fully intending to have an epidural, but ultimately wanted it over with. Of course, my son was 5 weeks premature, so he was just a wee baby (6 pounds 3 ounces) – I may have opted for the dope if he was a full-term baby.
I’ve got my fingers crossed for a nice easy labor for you!
My first pregnancy was bliss. I was on cloud nine. I worked up until 3 weeks before I was due and had only a week of rest when the baby decided to come 2 weeks early. Dh rushed me to the hospital after my water broke at 2 a.m., then everything was a blur: medications, epidurals, pushing, etc. I didn’t get to enjoy the process; understand what I was feeling and going through. I felt overmedicated. But the second pregnancy, I chose nothing. No painkillers, nothing! The process took longer, but the pain was manageable. I felt and knew when to push, and did so without problems (unlike my first). It was a wonderful experience. One that I wouldn’t trade in a million years. You need to figure out what is best for your labor and delivery. My thought during those last few weeks was, “my grandmother had 10 kids in the back country of the Caribbean; and one of those births she delivered at home on her own, so I can do this.” Good luck.
I have no magical story…no experience at all…just want you to know that this “blog lurker” is thinking about you all and sending calm thoughts your way.
I know, I know – you’re not asking for advice etc. And I’m not really going to give it – just two things – 1) I completely understand the “I can’t have a home birth, just think how much cleaning I’d have to do first” feeling. (The idea of cleaning up afterwards never bothered me – I figured I could con someone else into doing that, but clearing up beforehand – waaay too much work.) and 2) keep with that open-minded, ‘wait and see’ birth plan. It simply can’t be planned – every woman is different, every birth is different. G will not only be a great coach, he’ll also be a great advocate. You’ll be well looked after.
And remember – loads of us go on to do it all a second time – how bad can it be?!
You’re on quite the adventure, quite the roller coaster ride. Hang on!
Cara–Regarding bringing a child into this F*d up world: Somebody has to work on upping the quality of humanity in this world. Why shouldn’t it be you! As for birth experiences–everyone is different-I was a little more than pissed off at how different mine was from what they told me in the birthing classes, but remember it’s the result that counts. Sending happy,healthy thoughts your way! C
“You need to figure out what is best for your labor and delivery.” ~ Rosa
Most important piece of advice you will ever get.
That said, I highly recommend hypnobirthing, even if you are the type who knows she’s going in early for an epidural. The relaxation practices were invaluable to me and to my husband, and kept me calm with something to do as my due date went by and two weeks later, I was still pregnant. It also helped with 60 hours of labor the first time, and a 9 and half pound bundle of joy the second.
But remember:
“You need to figure out what is best for your labor and delivery.” ~ Rosa
I’m not pregnant, never have been, and don’t expect to be, but I really enjoy reading what you have to say about it.
I wish you all the best.
I think you’re approaching the birth experience with just the right attitude. Just see how you feel and take each step as it comes. That’s what I did and I wound up having no drugs at all. It wasn’t my intention but I found I was able to manage the pain okay without drugs. And, by the way, I generally don’t handle pain well at all. You know, the thing is, this pain has a purpose and I swear that makes it different.
Thank you so much for sharing. 🙂 This will be a great record for you to look back on.
Every birth experience is different. I wish you all the best and happiness. No one gives you a report card on your birth experience, they just give you a bundle of joy. 😉
Great post. All those feelings are real and I would worry about a woman who didn’t feel them at one point or another.
The only actual childbirth advice I have was given to me and I didn’t follow it but I should have. If you get the epidural ask them to take it off when it’s time to push. It will really make a difference. I won’t bore you with details unless you’re interested but it’s good advice.
You know, one of the best pieces of… advice, or wisecracking, or whatever it was, that I received when pregnant was from a friend who’d just had a baby, who said, “Near as we can figure, it takes about 9 months because that’s how long it takes to wrap your brain around the concept.”
That said, my son will be 10 years old next month. Ten. Years. And sometimes, I still have moments of abject terror and realizing “OMIGODTHISISALLMYFAULTANDI’MRESPONSIBLEFORTHEWHOLETHINGWHATIFSOMEONEFIGURESOUTI’MAFRAUD?”
I think it’s just par for the course, all through parenthood.
As to what giving birth was like? Physically, it felt like shitting a planet. Other than that? It sucked way less than pregnancy, was over much faster, and immediately upon having occurred, the heartburn went away and didn’t come back, so did the nausea, and I could breathe. I’m not sure I’ve gotten a good night’s sleep since, but I’ve gotten used to that. You’ll do great, and thank you for being willing to be honest about it all; that was one of my huge frustrations, years ago: too few people who’d just be honest about the whole thing.
I have been there and freaked out as well – in my own special way. But 2 things to remember, (1)be flexible in your ‘plan’ on things and (2)there is no plan. 🙂 I found it easier to get through birth if I only thought about what I was doing at that time.
Thanks for being honest with your readers in your feelings, struggles and successes – it is a great read!
OH, so scary it can be. . . i’m with you on this one. thanks for sharing this. xoxo
I’m glad you realize that sharing your experiences has the power to help some of us out there going through the same thing. Being about 3-4 weeks behind you, I find myself looking back on your past posts, as the milestones start coming up in my own pregnancy, and I think, “I’m really not alone in feeling this way!”
Embrace your situation, do what you have to, and you’ll get there 😉
Fear over this is normal. Good, even. Keep an open mind, ask the questions you want to about the hospital so you can manage the things you don’t like, and remember that YOU are in charge of this, not the doctors. You’re doing the work, you get to make the choices.
Cara, I think everything you write about, say, feel is absolutely valid and 1,000% normal. Having a baby is the single most frightening thing I’ve ever done, ever WILL do! And I say that with 27 years between today and that event! It was, and continues to be, the hands down BEST thing I will EVER do in this life. Was I scared? Totally. Did I think I would have a screaming, colicy 3 month old on my hands FOREVER? Certainly. Would I do it again, the same way? ABSOLUTELY.
I had read all the books, we took birthing classes. I was ready…my birth didn’t go by the books, or should I say it wasn’t what I was expecting. I was having lunch at a friend’s house when the contractions started. I didn’t know what to do! Honestly. All I could do was pace around like an animal. My husband (now ex, but that’s another story) was in Princeton and I was in Philadelphia so my friend drove me to Booth Maternity Center on City Line. My beautiful daughter was born about 2 hours later. No drugs possible…I was too far along. Did it hurt? I guess so, who can remember now. Was it worth it? Every bit.
There’s one thing that still gets me. No one prepared me for just how deeply in love with my baby I would be. Boy, was I unprepared for that. I still marvel over it after all these years. This may sound terrible, but I didn’t love my baby right away. Maybe I was just too scared. But then it hit me like a ton of bricks: this baby is mine, I made her, and I would do absolutely ANYTHING to keep her safe and protect her. And that hasn’t changed, not after 27 years! This is a long post, and feel free to delete it. These are just my feelings and wanted to share them.
The only advice I want to pass on is advice that was given to me about six months ago that pretty much saved me in that last month of pregnancy.
Feel free to walk away from those mavens who insist on telling you about their thirty-eight hours, ended in c-section, couldn’t manage the pain, baby nearly died, labors. Surround yourself with people who tell you that you’ll be okay, that you’ll take it one step, one contraction at a time, that you’ll be able to handle the pain, and if you can’t, that pain relief will be available. Surround yourself with people who love you and give you positive energy, and all the rest of that airy fairy stuff, and tell everyone else to get the hell away.
Seriously.
When I get pregnant again, I’m seriously considering wearing a button that says “Positive birth stories only, please.”
Thank you for your candor. Your honesty is so appreciated.
Hey Cara: It sounds as though everything is progressing normally. What kind of parents would any of us be if we did not occasionally freak out once in a while? That freak out means you are alive and you care…all good things! Every birthing experience is different and keep your mind open. I know for me, when I faced having a C-section, I just kept saying that I had not read that part of the book yet. All in all, everything was fine and your experience will be fine as well.
As for the raising and caring and feeding of the wee one, just remember, they are not born at age 10, and you are not expected to know everything. You will learn what you need to learn together with your husband and the baby. It’s all good. But, I did tell my husband to sleep on his stomach for a couple of months after the first one arrived (and he’s nearly 15 and my other is 12)!
I seriously think that you’re more ready for this than you give yourself credit for. Maybe you give yourself a lot of credit…and I just read that you don’t because that’s where I was. But, the baby will come…and you will be ready…and you will be a wonderful mother!
I swear there are special woman hormones that kick in during l&D. I freak out at the slightest paper cut, I demand emergency room treatment for a hang nail, I am totally 100% opposed to pain. And, when it came time, despite all of the anxiety in the world, I did not spontaneously combust.
As long as your coach knows you & your wishes – which he does – you have nothing to worry about; except, of course, just how to keep yourself from exposing girly bits to the world at large. Which for some reason I could just never get off my mind and the doctor happened to be opposed to my crossing my legs while pushing.
Great post, Cara. You are so refreshingly candid and real about what you’re going through. This kid is so lucky, for sure.
Sending you good thoughts!
When my son was about 18 months old, I called my sister, who is a pediatric psychologist, in a panic – convinced that I was ruining him. She pointed out to me that kids grow up with much worse parents/situations than Kiran and me and somehow manage to turn into pretty capable adults. It has been my mantra ever since. When I’m certain that we have really screwed this parenting thing up, I think of her words and do a reality check. My kids are and will be, quite alright.
It sounds like you and George are an amazing team. You are going to totally rock this parenting thing!
If you ever need to get away from the noise of that construction, drop me a line, I’d be happy to meet up at Modern Yarns or somewhere and knit.
Every birth is different and so personal and special. My only advice is to go with the flow of things and not to worry if what you thought would happen doesn’t. I had this delusion that Andrew’s birth would go the way they described in the birthing class and things would feel a particular way and certain other things would happen. In the end, no one could have told me exactly what to expect. (With my anxiety, I need to know everything up front to prepare to deal with things!) My mantra for dealing with the pain was repeating the phrase “there is a purpose to this pain”–it did help me deal. In looking back, the birth experience was much easier than this parenting thing I’m trying to do now!! (And to think I used to teach parenting and was a nanny! I think my self-confidence and half of my brain were attached to the placenta!) Enjoy all of those little kicks and squriming going on inside of you now. That was my favorite part of the third trimester–rubbing the baby part that was poking out the most and feeling a response sometimes.
The physics of it all are impossible, and yet babies get born all the time. You have doctors you trust, a kick-ass birth partner, and are educating yourself about your options. You’re doing everything right.
I hear you. Try not to think about stuff too much. If I think too much about my responsibilities as a mother I freak out. For me, it’s one day at a time. As for the birth, I felt as you did (get as far as I can without drugs and keep my options open). I’m a huge baby about pain but for some reason my body responded differently to childbirth. This may sound contradictory but to get control over giving birth, you have to give up control. Your body know what to do.
I think every mother-to-be has some fear of what is going to happen (I did). I could not really imagine the birth (and mine did not go as planned) and I certainly cound not imagine the reality of the “after”. It will be all sorts of crazy things you can’t even begin to imagine–and then it will just be your life.
I don’t think I’ve met a mother yet who has said: ‘giving birth was just like I thought it would be’. No one knows what it will be like ahead of time.
Just make sure your husband knows your wants and needs and is ready to advocate for you. If you don’t want him to leave your side for the whole labor then make sure he packs a lunch for himself when you go to the hospital (I’m not kidding).
If you have pets make sure you have someone you can call to take care of them when you head to the hospital — in case your labor goes long. You don’t want your DH to have to leave you to go home and feed the cat or anything like that. My husband almost missed our first’s birth because he went home to let the dog out and then fell asleep.
I think you hit on it perfectly with that last note. Dwell on THAT. Dwell on the love part, the amazement part. Because life comes at you fast. And it’s THOSE moments that are important. The rest… it comes and you deal with it. It’s a part of life yk?
I had two very normal uneventful overdue big healthy babies… our bodies were made to do this. Even though our minds can’t wrap around it (mine still can’t!) your body knows how to do this. If you can remain calm and keep your mind out of it’s way… things will go much smoother! 🙂
Thank you for sharing – you are not the only one scared out of her mind! I’ve turned to Hypnobirthing to hopefully relieve some of my anxiety (my class starts next month), and the “Big Book of Birth” – it appeals to the biological side of my brain to hopefully make everything sit okay with me. What kind of childbirth classes are you taking?
Great post.
I recall going through those classes and, at the end of it all, I told my husband that I really didn’t like any of the options presented. It seemed like, for all that we can do with technology etc, we ought to be able to think of something les painful or, at least less gross. And that was before I really knew what it would be like.
My kids are 8 and 13 but my best buddy just had her first in July and was just as grossed out and unhappy with the experience. I gave her all the lines about how time provides the perspective needed to do it again and she looked at me like I was nuts.
Her baby is now 6 months old and she’s thinking that one more wouldn’t be a bad idea. Hang in there!
You sound exactly like a mom.
You are READY. You are STRONG. And don’t forget, you and your little family are a whole big ball of AWESOME that’s ready to happen. And you know what? Even the best laid birth plans fly out the window sometimes. It’s all about making the best decisions you can for you (and your baby) at the time. Nothing is black and white.
But you are totally sounding like a mom. Even with all the anxiety, you are going to be a way better mom than a lot of the people who don’t get freaked out by the fact that they’re worried about the state of the world their child is coming into.
You ROCK, Cara. You’ve made it this far, and things are completely normal. I’m very proud of you, and I don’t even “know you” know you. I just read this blog.
I’d be worried if you weren’t anxious!
I still remember the vivid dreams during my first pregnancy: I had a box with a wee little kitten in it, and I kept asking other people to keep an eye on it (my mom, my husband), and they kept wandering away and forgetting about it. So I was faced with the fact that responsibility for the kitten was entirely up to me.
Talk about literal dreams!
(This may be TMI, but during the first part of my pregnancy I kept dreaming about trying to tame a stallion at the beach. Never could catch him . . .)
oh don’t worry. giving birth is just like it is on the soaps. you breathe, scream and pink chubby bundle is on your chest before your lipstick wears out.
ok thats totally not true. you can’t really plan a birth, you are doing the right thing by expressing your fears and keeping your options open.
ever read the Good Earth by Pearl Buck? Woman gives birth during the rice hatvest. she goes to the end of the field, births the baby all alone, ties it to her back and continues harvesting. Yikes! So if you need positive thoughts, be grateful for modern times!
‘knit on with hope and confidence’ EZ
Won’t give you my birth stories, although they are both kind of funny.
But I will say that I think that the terror is TOTALLY NORMAL (just pressed post somehow, too early). The nice thing is, by the time you get to 38, 39 weeks, your body really wants the baby out and the fear gets trumped by the desire to be DONE. So (unsolicited advice) don’t worry about being scared. It will pass. And soon you will have a beautiful baby to play with!
Well, I was going to say something wise and wonderful, and read through all the comments first to see that I wasn’t duplicating anything. Some got me all choked up. There isn’t much I can add right now, the wisdom is all there, within you, and your commenters.
And no, nobody can ever prepare you for the LOVE that’s coming your way. They teach you all about bodily functions etc, but hell women have been giving birth for millions of years and you can do it too. Your body knows what to do.
You’ll be fine.
Well, I was where you are now about 8 months ago. The whole “giving birth” part of the experience freaked me out completely. I tried to keep focused on that moment just after the baby arrived when John would be holding her.
I ended up having a very medicated birth (mag sulfate, antibiotics and the epidural) — and I always knew I wanted an epidural. The whole experience turned out to be much easier than I thought it would be. At some point I just realized it was coming and I was going to have to do it. John was there for the whole thing — and I did get my beautiful John and baby moment. And, honestly, I remember that moment better than I remember any of the rest of it.
I think the fear and anxiousness is part of the program. But once the end game is rolling, you have so much else to pay attention to that they aren’t something you focus on all that much.
Hmmm giving birth is quite an experience! When I was about to deliver my little boy… I was in pre-labor for about 3 days. I started spotting and getting contractions on a Sunday and then waited at home on advice from the nurses that I would not be ready for some time. The pain did keep escalating until a point where I could no longer endure it. I did reach that point where I demanded to be taken to the hospital to see whether or not I was ready. Sure enough, the checked me and I was 5 centimeters. So hurray I got to stay. As soon as they said she’s staying–the next words out of my mouth were: I WANT THAT EPIDURAL! Now please! Don’t forget! My beautiful baby boy was born that morning at 11:00 a.m. Overall it was pretty smooth I would say with the exception of this unexplained fever! I was freezing to death and litterally shaking on the table as the baby was coming out. To this day I do not know what the hec happened.
You will be fine and it is true you do forget about the pain–it goes by pretty fast. You are a very brave and determined woman! Blessings to you and your DH!
You’re going to be great. You have all the right feelings (in my opinion) and conflicts, and you have all the right support. Those women you have surrounding you are going to help you through it. It’s going to hurt, or not hurt. Or be hard, or not hard. Or be scary, or not scary. It’ll be medicated, or not medicated. Whatever it is, it’ll be okay and it will end up just the way you’ve described. Which is much better than okay.
I applaud you for sharing your true feelings, anxieties, fears, joy, etc. with all of us. I agree with all the comments about being flexible. You can have the most iron-clad birth plan, but you have to be prepared for the unexpected. I was anxious and scared about labor, but like everyone else, i got through it!
My labor with Noah started out perfectly, but after about 8 hours, it stalled entirely. I stopped dialating, even though I was having contractions. Because of various factors, my doctor decided to give me pitocin, which speeds up labor. I had decided against pain medication, and though the pain had been ok up to that point, the pitocin made it pretty unmanageable. Still, Noah was born healthy, and I forgot about the pain pretty instantly. Hannah was born without any intervention or pain meds, and while it certainly hurt a lot, I took a great “hypnobirthing” class that helped TREMENDOUSLY.
All that really matters is that you have a safe, healthy birth and as positive an experience as possible. Whatever works for you and your family is the right thing to do.
HOPE is also a four letter word. It is why we have children. You are a smart, talented, intelligent woman. You can handle what comes your way. Because you have hope. All will be well. Blue skies over the jackhammers!
YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I’m feeling the same way, too, and I’m a couple months behind you. Emotions are generally just running high for me, and I do my best to identify that when I’m in the throes of anxiety, for all that helps.
And I totally would have decked the birthing instructor who asked my husband to corroborate my story about how I handle pain. He’s not my keeper, and if I need to learn to be honest with myself, I don’t need someone else’s judgment of me to do so. Yeesh. But again, emotions are running high. 🙂
You will be okay. You are normal.
I had to tell people I was not scared of the birth, but terrified about all the work that comes after. You know, raising a child well.
And now I’m doing it, and it’s hard and even scary sometimes, but not as terrifying as I imagined. We are able (because we have to be!)
You have a right to be panicky and worried, because it is a BIG DEAL! But, childbirth and childrearing have been going on for how many thousands of years? You’ll do fine! As long as there’s love in the equation somewhere, then all is good.
well.. you will go into labour..or not.. and have to be put into labour.. you will get that baby out one way or another.. and you will be fine! There is no use worrying over it.. so quit it!! heheh
You’ll be as strong as you need to be, Cara. How do I know this? I have no idea, but if for one tiny moment you can’t be that’s okay, because you’ll have all of us rooting for you until you are strong again. Think about it, with all of your family and friends and all of us in the blogisphere, how can you doubt anything about your abilities? Go ahead, freak out from time to time. You’re allowed and it’s expected and then get back to being YOU again.
Girl, I felt the same exact way with my daughter. Thanks for your honesty.
Educating myself as much as possible was my way of dealing with anxiety – if I know what to expect, ugly and all, then I’ll feel better prepared.
There’s going to be pain, yeah. It’s different pain, though. Not like stubbing your toe *(#&$@$-this-effing-hurts pain. But you’re right in focusing on the final goal. I’m rooting for you, chica!
I remember so clearly that “What have I done!?” feeling in the weeks leading up to the inevitable B-day.
Remember it is one (long and pretty painful) day in your life and it will come and go and you will prepare and worry and then you’ll have a beautiful baby and a whole lot of other concerns.
Sure I wish some parts of it had gone differently (I wasn’t worried enough when I look back) but I also realized I had limited control over the biological processes (and had a good birth plan subject to change for the rest of it). Somehow that made me just go with the flow.
When you’re in it, you’ll be strong and weak and crazy and in control and happy and sad and sick and tired and you’ll do great!
Yep–been there, done that with the anxiety and fear. And neither of my labors went the way I had envisioned them, but the important thing was that the babies arrived and we were all okay. You will do great, and you will be overwhelmed by the enormity of parenthood no matter how prepared you are, and that is okay too! It’s an amazing transition & experience, totally daunting but well worth the challenges.
Thanks for writing about how you feel. I definitely sympathize. It’s hard to be anxious in exact proportion to the real-world concerns involved! 🙂
Put me in the category of pregnant and terrified! I can go through the full range of emotions from overjoyed to scared to even look at babies in about a millisecond!
Congrats on your impending arrival-I’ve been way behind on blog reading. Mostly because of my own puking routine-still going at 29 weeks!
I’ve never given birth (not yet anyway, maybe one day) and I really do appreciate all of your honest and straightforward babytalk. I know that if I ever do have children I will remember lots of information in your posts and know that I am not alone and be encouraged. 🙂
I think we share a brain.
I’ll give you a call tonight, OK? Take care of yourself and the little one!
Childbirth class triggered my panic alarm too – specifically, when they showed just how WIIIIIDE 10 cm was. I freaked. My poor hub was no help.
My Mom was the only person able to talk me down, reminding me that billions of women have been giving birth for thousands of years and that the female body was built for the birthing process. Of course, she was right. (Although when my little guy’s head proved too BIG for said 10 cm, necessitating an unplanned c-section, that logic went right out the window.)
In the end, labor and delivery only feel like they take forever. Giving birth is some of the hardest work you’ll ever do, but you’ll be rewarded with the best gift you’ll ever receive. Keep that top of mind and you’ll do just fine. Best wishes to you Cara.
Advice abounds when it comes to having a kid (and won’t end anytime soon), but the best thing I did was to go into childbirth with few expectations, except a healthy mom and healthy baby. I know way to many women who go into it so planned out that when the plan changes, they freak out (rightfully so). Anyway, your fears are completely NORMAL! Well, if I can be considered normal, which is questionable sometimes 🙂
Congratulations!! You are totally normal!
=)
All I really know for sure is no matter how you imagine it will be, it is different. If you make a plan, it will not be followed. So it is best to be open and go with the flow you feel when you’re in it. Thought my baby was normal and then got to the hospital and she was breech. So, there went my plan. By the time your due date passes, you’ll be praying and begging for it to start. It is so wonderful how that all works.
Ok my baby just turned 16 so it’s all kind of hazy at this point. But I remember the scariest part for me was when they said WE (me and darling daughter) could be discharged. I thought to myself, are these people crazy! They are letting me take this sweet little baby home! I have no idea what I am doing!
Just try to go with the flow, do what feels right for you at the time. For if you have a scenario set in your mind you can be damn sure the kid will take you in another direction.
I’m afraid of people who aren’t anxious and panic filled at the prospect of being responsible for a life. So you are entirely normal and welcome addition to the concerned parent group.
I’m now nearly 18wks along with our second baby, and I went through everything you described two years ago. How on earth did I think I was qualified to be a mother? I know nothing about babies! I have a really low pain threshold! What on earth am I thinking? How will I survive weeks and weeks with a squally baby and no sleep? Lots of anxiety about the thought of giving birth and whether I would cope in the weeks afterwards or not.
My husband was wonderfully supportive, and said something I still remember today … if you’re anxious about all this stuff, it means you really care about yourself and the baby and doing the best you can. Better that, than not caring at all – or being blissfully ignorant and then collapsing in stress and pain after the first contraction! My anxiety was completely in keeping with my character … I get worked up in anticipation of scary things, which then turn out to be not-so-scary after all. Maybe you’re a bit like that too 😉
As others have said, my OBGYN recommended against putting too much thought into a birth plan, especially for first-time mums as so much can change and if you have your heart set on doing things one way, you’ll be disappointed if something happens to change all that. Mind you, I had no pretensions of trying to go drug-free, I know my pain tolerances 😉 and actually had four hours of sleep after the epidural went in !! No pain during the birth at all, but I could feel all the right sensations and knew when to push.
It sounds like you have lots of supportive people around you anyway – I think it’s perfectly normal to be a complete stress-head at this point, and I wish you a textbook delivery 😉
I was coming here to post what Cynthia did – about the falling in love with your baby. My sister-in-law told me about that when I was pregnant with my first. She called it a “love affair” – you can’t wait to see the baby’s face, you get a rush of excitement, always smiling, first thought when you wake, etc. etc. I have 3 children and it is like that every time. A new love affair. It is incredible to fall in love like that.
Something I wasn’t told and didn’t expect but many of you probably know – I fell in love all over again with my husband. I loved him so much for “giving” me this baby and being so supportive and, just, everything. Wow. Then I think how he must have felt (he’s totally not into expressing himself!) watching me get an epidural and give birth and figured he must have fallen in love with me all over again too since he was so attentive to my needs during each pregnancy, delivery and new baby nesting phase.
You’ve gotten great advice here. The baby will come out. It’s scary to think about! But when you’re in it, you’re in it. You just do it. My first was the hardest simply for the not knowing what to expect, how much worse will it get, etc. etc. But you just take one contraction at a time and just do it, drugs or not. Sounds like you’re flexible and realistic with a birth plan. Go you!!!
Everything you are feeling is normal and has been experienced by most of us prior to having the baby. Many have said that the best plan is no plan…you can’t orchestrate this, you just have to go with the flow. If you choose to go drug free, you will still have a option (to a certain point) to change your mind. Don’t worry too much, it will happen when it happens. All will be well and you will be a wonderful mother. My baby is 23, and not too bad, who would have dreamed it….
You’d be crazy if you weren’t at least a little unnerved about the whole thing! Just keep taking care of yourself, everything will be ok.
Fear is a completely rational emotion, especially when it is the fear of the unknown. When I was 28 weeks along with the girls, I was listening to a song and fear literally took over: would Dave get a job when he graduated? what if something went wrong? what if he doesn’t get a job? what if we don’t really love each other and we’re doing this for the kids? It was so bad that I sat rocking in the fetal position for an hour. I still can’t listen to that fucking song without crying.
If you’ve dealt with anxiety for the better part of your life, then you will be anxious about your child – that is just a fact, but you probably already know that and are dealing with it. That is a healthy fact. Not a day goes by when I’m not anxious about something concerning the girls, but I deal with it in my own way and we move forward.
I’ve given birth two times, and was freaked out both times. Having said that, I went without meds with the first one, and with meds with the second. Every woman’s birth experience is unique and special. Interestingly, as another anxiety sufferer (Panic Disorder here) I wasn’t anxious when I went into labor. I think my mind went into monkey mode, and my body just took over. Bringing a new life into the world is scary, but doable. The fact that you are anxious, and thoughtful shows that you have all the right stuff to make a good go of it. I’m not going to tell you to relax, because I know you won’t, but I do want to reassure you that many of us have been and felt what you feel right now, and that’s it’s ok. Enjoy this special time of your coupleness, before you become a triangle of a loving family. This time is precious.
When I was pregnant with my first child I was very lucky to take a special birthing class with Pam England who wrote a book called “Birthing From Within”. The first night of class she asked all of us what our biggest fear was and I replied, “freaking out”.
She said, “OK, so by freaking out do you mean this?”
She then got on the floor and started doing this Harry met Sally screaming and yelling and pounding on the floor and saying F**K over and over again.
She then very calmly got up and sat back in her chair and said, “So is that it?”
I just remember nodding my head yes and wondering what the hell kind of class I just gotten myself into.
She said, “Honey that’s what giving birth is all about”.
She was right.
Healthy babies come out in so many different ways! Mine was 6 weeks early (4lbs, apgar of 3), C-section, spent weeks in NICU: a rough landing. But even though that was a tough time, it didn’t last. Taking the long view helps.
Oh, and don’t worry if you DON’T fall in love with your baby right away. I didn’t, but I am as fierce and loving a mother as any who had an insta-bond experience.
There is no right way. There is only your way.
You will forever be more emotional about some things. It’s not so bad! I was all ready for the earth mother natural thing, then 2 weeks late and induced. The gel was all it took, and I tell ya, it was like all of a sudden being on a freight train going a bazillion miles an hour and can I get off now please? It all wasn’t anything like I’d imagined. But it was our experience… you’ll have your own, same or different than you’re imagining, but it’ll be yours. Set it up so you can be flexible. The kid is 12 now, and I still freak out about what have I done for him? Have I warped his brain? As for space, when they’re first born, they don’t take up so much. We slept with ours, and though that’s not for everybody, in a pinch you can set them in a lined bureau drawer (on the floor) or laundry basket! Now he has his own room, and closes his door, and I no longer know what every inch of him looks like. Abby’s pretty funny, and I agree. But it gives us all a new look at our own parents… we all do the best we can and when we know better we do better. And keep up those kegals, they’ll be even more important after!
Hey Cara…this is one of those calm rational women who has given birth a bunch of times…okay, 3 times, and I may not always be calm and rational but I am on this topic…You are doing all the right things and expressing your fear and uncertainty is so healthy. Good work!
Freaking out = completely normal. I worry about those who don’t flip. And if you want the doctor to say “It’s a ____,” be sure to remind him/her that you don’t know the sex! My doctor forgot and it was a while before I knew!
I got money on ya girl!! I have been reading your blog for well over a year. You are strong and have very clear visions of life. You can do it. Don’t let others share their experiences with you. You are so right. This is yours!!!!
I took great comfort in three main concepts:
1. Other mammals manage it without freaking out and therefore, so can/will I.
2. Birth isn’t pathological, it’s healthy. Labor is work, and sometimes work is hard and painful, but nobody takes an epidural before running a marathon and I’m much better prepared to give birth than run a marathon! The ache of hard work is good, and I can deal with that.
3. Outside the US there seems to be much more of a positive attitude toward womanly issues, including periods and pregnancy. In the US pregnancy/birth is often treated as a medical crisis, which sometimes turns it into a medical crisis. I want to do my best to not let my culture’s negative expectations cloud my reality.
Those three things became a mantra for me that carried me through the births of two (10 lb) babies. Good luck to you.
You’re right, giving birth, becoming a mom introduces a whole new world of worrying. I can remember the first time I realized that. I was 10 weeks pregnant – past the fear of the miscarriage – and I was talking about it with a friend. As I was talking about how we’re past the miscarriage stage, so it’s all downhill from here, I realized that no, it wasn’t. Now I had to worry about preterm labor, and baby development. And then I had to worry about a healthy birth, and whether or not to vaccinate, and then was she eating enough, and was she pooping enough, and was growing well, was she warm/cool enough, is she happy, is she learning, is she… oh my GOD!! I called my mom and asked her, “So, I’m curious, do you still worry about me?” Her response, as I’m sure it is for all mothers: “Yes. Every day.”
Welcome to motherhood!
And, for what it’s worth, the birthing thing, well, you’ll know what to do when it comes. Our bodies are amazing.
BIRTH PLAN
That said, none of it can be planned, but if you’ve gone through the process and thought through each of the steps and talked to the people who are around you about them then you don’t have to try to make decisions.
Lots of the books have samples and even multiple choice answers. If you use it as a guide with your doctor you can gauge how well they are going to listen and guide rather than telling and doing.
And take a tour of the hospital soon also. You will probably feel more relaxed if you know where you are going and what it looks like and such. Even knowing where to park is something you don’t want to think about ahead of time.
I don’t believe in giving childbirth advice-your experience will be unique to you, even if on paper it’s identical to millions of other births. That’s part of the magic of having a baby. But as for the I’m-going-to-end-up-with-an-actual-baby panic, the best advice I ever got was from my 82 year old grandmother, who said, “Anytime you get scared or frustrated at anything, just remember that the baby is new at this too. Whatever you learn, you’ll learn together, and whatever expectations you might have, that baby doesn’t have any for you to try to live up to. All he wants is for you to love him.”
Have a wonderful journey.
Just delurking to say welcome to mommyhood; you never stop worrying about your babies and everything you are feeling is completely normal.
Wait until you get ready to leave the hospital with the baby–when I had my first my husband and I looked at the nurse and doctor discharging us as if they were crazy. I just kept thinking you seriously trust me to take this baby home–alone–on my own.
As for the birth I’ll tell you what one of my friends told me and for some reason it helped. She said to think of labor like a 24 hour(or hopefully less) flu; you feel horrible for a while but the pain is finite and you forget most of it when you see your reward–that beautiful little baby.
Hang in there, Cara. You’ll do great!
You are the best, and I’m glad you’re going to be somebody’s mom. Many hugs.
I have nothing for you… but wanted to let you know that you’re in my thoughts and all 🙂
Cara,
They’re absolutely right in telling you to wait to make your decisions on birthing. I’ve only had one, so obviously it was my first. I worked (I had my own software company) up until 2 hours before she was born, had some minor back pain, waited a bit, had a little more back pain, drove myself to the hospital (I’d had plans to have drugs, cause I don’t like pain), and within 4 hours, I had a healthy 7 lb 9 ounce little girl. It happened so fast they didn’t have time to give me drugs, and the pain, while I wouldn’t do it every day, wasn’t really that much. Everyone had me convinced I’d be there for days in labor, but noope, just 4 hours, beginning to end. No matter what anyone says, your birthing experience will be unique to you, just as your baby will be unique. Try to relax, and don’t make any plans until you absolutely have to make a decision.
Hi,
I’m delurking to say thank you for your continued honesty on this blog. As someone who has absolutely no immediate plans for either relationships or babies, you’d think I wouldn’t be interested. But I do hope to have a child one day, and I’m sure when I do I’ll pop back here and re-read everything just so I don’t feel alone. Afterall, although I have access to many mothers, how many of them are also avid knitters? 😉 I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well, and you get the ‘result’ you want 😀 Congratulations on this amazing task – it will be an amazing FO!
Hi,
I’m delurking to say thank you for your continued honesty on this blog. As someone who has absolutely no immediate plans for either relationships or babies, you’d think I wouldn’t be interested. But I do hope to have a child one day, and I’m sure when I do I’ll pop back here and re-read everything just so I don’t feel alone. Afterall, although I have access to many mothers, how many of them are also avid knitters? 😉 I hope the rest of the pregnancy goes well, and you get the ‘result’ you want 😀 Congratulations on this amazing task – it will be an amazing FO!
I am a old first time Mom. My son is 8 months and I am 43. Best advice my friends gave me was “no expectations”. I thought the birthing process was far easier than the pregnancy part. I had drugs I think an epidural is a beautiful thing. I found it to be an amazing process. My labor was 12 hours. It sounds long but went by in a flash. I took the classes and tried to be really prepared. Most of it all went out the window. Best advice I can give is bring your most comfortable socks. When I do it again I would bring disposable cameras and let the nurse take some pictures. Congratulations.
I have a phobia of doctors and all things medical. In my little town in Iowa, there is no treatment available to me, and I can’t even get anyone to give me some kind of sedative to take when I have a doctor’s appointment. (I think they are afraid that one or two valium tablets are going to turn me into a junkie.) I get my birth control pills from Planned Parenthood because they give you a pass on the (for me) totally unbearable “annual exam” and when I had to have a tooth extracted, I ran from the first oral surgeon my dentist referred me to crying and shaking, and wasn’t able to go through the procedure. I envy that you are able to get treatment for your panic and anxiety—you are very lucky to have understanding and supportive medical professionals where you live. Most of the doctors I come in contact with here take my anxiety personally and it really angers them. I could never have children—knowing how “medical” the process is turned me off to it.
When labor starts, you will be totally focused on you and what you are doing and NOTHING else. And you will do great. Even if you scream and yell, who cares? (except note that screaming and yelling only takes energy away from actual labor)In the end you will have a baby and it will be great. Do practice the LaMaze. It really will make it easier and having a good coach is priceless. Go Georgie!!!
Mom of four whose DH delivers babies….I hear ALL the stories there are to tell!
Great post! I totally understand that feeling. My unsolicited advice is to have a plan, but know that things can change in a heartbeat, especially what you want when it’s down to the wire! Best of luck, I’m sure you’ll do great.
Thank you so much for being so open and honest about your feelings during this pregnancy! I too was worried out of my wits about the whole giving birth thing. My hospital, and a lot of the women around me had this whole “just wheel yourself in and let the doctors do what they want or need to do to make sure you have a healthy baby …” “what? where am I in that equation?”. A lot of it did not sit well with me. I am the kind of person who needs a voice, and if there is any time in a womans life that she needs a voice, and needs support, is when she is giving birth. Have you looked into having a Doula at your birth? Our Doula was a GODSEND. Goto the following link to learn what they do http://www.dona.org/mothers/index.php
One thing that they do is help you not be afraid by educating you all along the birth “journey”. They do not replace your husbands coaching role … instead they help him and encourage him to effectively coach you through all of the stages. It is so much more than telling you to “BREATHE!!!”. I went into our first birth just as you are I wanted to be sure to know my options, but I also really wanted to try to do it on my own. My great grandma had 13 on her own, and my grandma had 4, why couldn’t I. By being born in the late 1960’s my body had not magically become unable to bear children. I can honestly say that the wonderful birth experience I had with our first made me so not scared of giving birth any more that we decided to have the second one 20 months later! They were both born naturally. When I was pregnant with my babies, either all i heard from people were negative stories, OR people acted scared to talk about it. Surround yourself with positive people! It really makes a difference!
-k
Cara, I just want to encourage you, nay, URGE you to educate yourself thoroughly about childbirth. Don’t just rely on the childbirth classes. Do your own reading and your own thinking. I highly recommend Henci Goer’s The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth. It covers all the options and helps guide you to a choice you can feel comfortable with.
It’s a fact that this country has a ridiculously high c-section rate (over 30%, when it should be closer to 10%), and it’s a fact that this country is one of the worst among developed countries for maternal and fetal health. This is one of the very few countries where giving birth in a hospital under OB care is the default option. You do the math. 🙂
As you said, it is a personal choice. So make it YOUR choice, not anyone else’s. That can be scary – taking the responsibility for your own choices onto yourself. So educate yourself, make informed choices and do what you KNOW to be the best for you and your baby. You’re a very intelligent woman, so there is no reason to abdicate responsibility to a doctor who, frankly, doesn’t always have YOUR best interests at heart, okay?
Climbing down from my soapbox now…. 🙂
Awww, it’s gonna be great…just you wait. And this is coming from a mental health professional who’s managed both anxiety and depression during her life *and* delivered two wonderful, healthy babies. Believe me, when you are in the moment, you will not feel half as panicky as you do now (and maybe not at all panicky, think of that!)…it will be this different kind of journey that you will manage just fine. You have such fun in store for you!
Hi…
Anxiety over birth? I think every expecting woman I have ever worked with has it. (most especially the responsible ones!!!)
After reading your stuff today – (you want to go as far as you can without drugs) you might want to discuss with your OBGYN the “last chance” time – the point at which you are too far in to get medicated and maybe have the nurse or your coach or whoever – let you know specifically some time before you will be no longer able to request medication if you dont take it “now”
I know you will do beautifully – and your baby will be adorable!!
Mazel tov!
Two. No drugs. Best experiences of my life. Came out of it feeling stronger than I ever had and ready to defend them against the world. Feeling sorry for my mother who was knocked out for three. You’re smart to educate yourself ahead of time so you can choose the right experience for you!
I think everything you described your feeling is perfectly normal.
I can sympathize with your freak-out mode right now Cara. I freaked out during my whole pregnancy and my doctor asked me to come in for a talk at 8:00 a.m. so many times.
I agree with Geraldine about taking LaMaze classes. It was the best thing we could have done. I’d practice the effleurage all the time and by the time I started labor, it was easy to get into that form of relaxation.
I went into hospital too early and was sent home. The next night I started having pains and couldn’t sleep. I got up, grabbed my pillows and went downstairs and sat on the couch after putting on a slew of Barbra Streisand and lighting lots of candles. I did the effleurage all night and it really was the most beautiful and relaxing time, concentrating on my slow breathing and massaging my belly.
When my son was older, I taught him effleurage and every time he had pain, he would start doing the relaxation exercises and it helped a lot.
I know you’ll do well Cara. LaMaze gives you more control though when you think you can’t handle it. Thank you for sharing your feelings.
Two handy tips.
1) The harder you push, the less it hurts. Belive me on this one. (I’ve done it without drugs.) And you get the baby out faster too, which means even less pain. In other words wimping out over the pushing means it hurts more. Give it all you’ve got.
2) We’ll all tell you this x100 but you probably don’t belive us…once the baby pops out, the pain stops. STOPS. There is still a bit of uncomfortable, but the pain bit is over.
Tell your OH to remind you of this, when you get to the stage you’re yelling that you want this to stop RIGHT NOW and you want to go home. (We all do ….)
Believe me,what you are experiencing is very very normal. My oldest is turning 18 in a few weeks and I am seriously freaked out by this, way more than the fact that I turn 50 this year. I mean seriously how the heck did I get a child that could be 18, and have I done enough. Will this child go forth and lead a happy productive life. Reading your blog and over at Two Black Sheep, brings back so many of the good and bad memories, but in the end you have a baby in your arms, and that is what you wanted.
If anything makes you freak, it’s real and valid. Doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. We all have a huge freakometer and when that dial hits the freak zone…It’s just a shame they weren’t fixing your place up when you doing all that traveling last year.
Cara, you will be a wonderful mother and any pain you experience during childbirth will be forgotten when you see your beautiful baby. I was past 40 when I had my daughter and compared to a horrific day at work (perioperative RN), delivering a baby was easier than falling off a log. You will be fine. We’ll all be there with you, cheering you on!
Hi, I have given birth twice. Both without drug. I am Japanese and it is quite normal not to take any drug here. For me the experience was like a festa. From start until end, adrenaline kept me going and I don’t know actually how it gone. Before it starts it was scary, of course I felt that(I am quite anxious person by nature), but it is simply much SHORTER than pregnancy. You and your body will be tremendously excited to giving birth, but it finishes almost immediately(even if my first time took more than 12 hours). Pregnancy was much more difficult for me. Take a good rasberry leaf harbal tea to help baby’s will, I send my best wishes to you.
About pain: if you have had terrible menstrual cramps that require lots of ibuprofen (or, before the days of ibuprofen, a heating pad and Jack Daniels), you’ll do fine. It’s like cramps, only over a larger surface area. If you’ve never had cramps, once you get to 4-5 cm dilated, you’ll know whether or not you can go without pain meds. By the way, if you thought you were happy on your wedding day, the experience of giving birth and holding your baby will make that pale in comparison. Good luck to you. Can’t wait to read about it! I love birth stories. (from a former labor & delivery nurse!)
You are not alone. Us other pregnant women are scared and anxious too. The last two nights I have had weird dreams where I was separated from my husband by different circumstances. The latest one he cheated on me and I had to give the baby up for adoption because he abandoned me. Talk about stupid and scary. I still could not go back to sleep after it.
I am also anxious about how the birthing process will go. And weird, irrational thoughts pop into your head about all aspects of the pregnancy. And hearing all the crazy news on TV and how much violence there is in the world does not help.
It is okay. We all have this anxiety.
What kind of birth instructor makes worrying allusions about a client’s choice of hospital? Dealing in allusions is irresponsible. One thing is for sure, you’re going to be surrounded by people who don’t know they’re bullying you, but are bullying because they like the feeling of knowing more. (Or feel like they’re earning their fee only by appearing to know more.) Don’t stand for it. Like you said, you have it in you to get that baby born and you have a man you trust by your side and a wonderful supportive family. You don’t need anyone’s stinkin’ allusions. You’re going to rock on that birthday–you’ve got the socks for it.
Don’t be afraid. This is what your body was specifically designed to do. I gave birth 6 months ago without drugs. It was hard. It was not unmanageable. But, I think the key is to stay as relaxed as possible. Your body needs to be supple and open. Not tense. If drugs are going to let you relax, take ’em. Have as few expectations as possible. This is going to be the single most amazing day of your life. I still think about “that” day all the time.
As I sit here pumping milk for my 4 month old, I look forward to the honesty we’ll be reading about *after* the baby’s born. The crazy things our bodies do, the stuff people don’t warn you about! I’d never thought much past giving birth – and yet that’s only the beginning. You’re brave to be so honest on this site – I received such a load of unrequested advice while pregnant, and that was just because people could see I was pregnant. Hoping you have a good filter. (did I meet my own goal of avoiding giving advice?)
The “It’s a ___” will be the most amazing moment of your life! You will be just fine. I remember coming home with this amazing baby girl, sitting on the couch and thinking, “Now what?”. She’s still amazing, 9 years later. You just do what’s is right for you and ignore everyone else!
I experienced all the emotions you are describing and I was working as an L&D nurse when I had my first baby!Hang in there!And for what it’s worth, I don’t think your childbirth educator should be alluding to anything negative about the place where you plan to give birth…that is out of line.
You’re normal. It gets easier the second time because you know what to expect. But for the first one, I coped by reading birth stories, a whole book of them, and watching as many births on video as I could. It gave me a frame of reference.
I am a homebirthing mom who had both children in a tub of water in my bedroom with only my doctor, her asssistant and my husband in attendance. I completely agree that birth is intensly personal, and that a woman should be free to choose the type of birth that works for her.
If there are problems with the hospital you are using, you have every right to know so that you can make your birth experience work. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and demand answers. This is YOUR birth, after all, and despite what the doctors say no one knows YOUR body better than YOU!
There is a huge range of birth experiences among my friends, but the one thing that holds true is that those with absolutely no regrets are the happiest with their story, and having no regrets just means that they made decisions that were right for them.
Have you considered hiring a doula? Doulas are labor support people who are there to help the Mom and Dad, and I can’t say enough good things about them.
If it helps at all, I totally suck at being pregnant. Really, my pregnancies were TERRIBLE. But Birth was the most amazing, empowering thing I’ve ever experienced….and also the most peaceful.
Just keep telling yourself its one bad day, then the rest of your life! Really, from one ball of anxiety to another, I can tell you that the anxiety is far longer lasting than the birth. If you are lucky, then its a bad few hours, not so lucky, a bad day. Try to let it go for now. Honestly, if it were so completely hideous, no one would ever voluntarily do it a second, third, fourth . . . . time. Bev
I loved being pregnant with my now 15-year old daughter, but I had the same anxieties and fears as you about the delivery. However, I truly believe that the last two weeks of pregnancy are designed to make you be willing to go through ANYTHING to not be pregnant anymore! By the time my labor started 9 days late, I was SO relieved and excited to not be pregnant anymore, (August in the south with no a/c, anyone?) all the fear was gone. I think those last two weeks are by design. Yep. I do. You’ll be more than ready. 🙂
I agree with the poster who said that she was not prepared for how much she would love her baby. It is the most intense love once can experience. You think you love your baby now? Just wait.
I love the saying “If childbirth were THAT bad, we’d all be only children.” You’ll do great, Cara. We’re all with you.
One more thing. My Lamaze teacher actually taught us how to push (we didn’t actually practice the technique in class) and my L&D nurse told me I was the best “pusher” she’d ever seen – it only took 4 pushes and my daughter was out. I’ve passed it along to everyone I know…
Imagine someone is in front of you and has his/her hands resting, centered, on your pregnant belly. When you are ready to push your baby out, try to push those hands OFF your belly. You are pushing OUTwards more than DOWNwards.
I also second the poster who suggested removing the epidural (if you have one) to push. Makes it easier, and feeling your baby move ‘through and out’ is an amazing experience!
I had that anxiety hit me the night before I was induced the first time. All of a sudden, despite how excited I was, I was terrified. I couldn’t believe the next day I would have a baby and my life would change completely (I also have problems with anxiety, and I made it through pregnancy and everything since thanks to my good friend Zoloft). As far as I can see, you’ve got good perspective on everything, and that moment when the baby is born and you and G fall in love with your new family really is the prize.
P.S. As it turns out, I didn’t have the baby the next day- I had to be induced again 2 days later. All my fear was spent on the unplanned dress rehearsal.
I know what you mean about the anxiety. And I agree, perfectly normal, especially as an anxiety sufferer myself.
I just have to say that the best part of labor (except for the baby of course) is that once the placenta is out the nausea is gone, gone, gone! I had really thought it would never leave.
I was unprepared for the after math of delivery. (hopefully not TMI for you) I wished someone had mentioned that there would be lots of blood around. It was kind of unsettling, but mostly because I didn’t realize that.
You are going to be a wonderful mother, just based on your honesty and humor you express here.
One of the best things I’ve learned to deal with ANY kind of panic is…(drum roll) the breathing technique I learned in lamaze class! Practice, practice, practice–it WILL help you keep your wits. You can do this.
Hang in there! I just had my third baby, and it helps immensely to have done the birth thing before. It is an intense and yes, scary, nervewracking experience. Take it one step at a time. Try your best to calm yourself and be in the moment. Even if that moment is painful. It will be worth it.
Looking forward to hearing about the baby.
Michelle
Mum to Ethan 5, Declan 2, and Patrick 7wks
I guess if I would be worried about you if you didn’t have some anxiety about the upcoming childbirth. It’s pretty normal. Think about handling the birth as you would an anxiety attack sans any drugs.
Breathe.
Take slow deep breaths at the start of the contraction and as it wains let the breath out. Breathing like this through the labor helped me, it also gave me something to do, something to focus on. Hope it helps, (Four – no drugs)
I’m due on the 19th of Feb. I DO have a high pain tolerance (as does my son which makes it hard to explain danger and owwies), I would have made it without any pain medication, but my last labor was too long and I was exhausted. I would say that the oral surjury I’ve had was worse. As my husband wheeled me out of the hospital last time I said something along the lines of I can’t wait to do this again (and I meant it). The thing is that we’re surrounded in the media by misconceptions and the portrayal of childbirth drama. I found reading other peoples childbirth stories comforting, because everyones experience is different. I didn’t take any childbirth classes because I didn’t have time (worked right up until a few days before the birth). Last time I began to freak out in the last week or so (actually it was my obgyn scheduling the induction before the actual due date that got me…although I guess it’s because they need to space the inductions out).
Freaking out is normal. I’d be more worried if you WEREN’T freaking a bit!
Cara, you are going to be the greatest Mommy ever. And first comes labor. You’re doing all the right things to prepare yourself and also realizing that no matter how prepared you are, surprises can happen. I had four babies without drugs, all natural. Number five came along and I had a c-section! I was probably the most surprised person on the PLANET because it was something I truly wasn’t prepared for. I was okay with a change but that’s not where my mind was going for sure.
Just stay focused and let Georgie be the great guy he is and listen to his coaching. You’ll love him a million times more after that labor is over, I promise that. 🙂
Hey Cara.. 🙂 you are feeling the very same feelings that all of us mothers who have gone before you have felt…..actually it’s very normal..:-). The fact that you are feeling a bit anxious about the awesome responsibility that is approaching tells me what a wonderful Mum you are going to be 🙂
You’ll be fine! I’m wondering if you’ve considered a doula. I had one c/s and 2 drug free vaginal births. I really felt like having a doula was a sort of insurance policy- I didn’t need to worry as much because I had someone else there to take care of things. And my partner was great- it’s just a whole different role that really made things easier.