January One

I decided to be adaptable and smart about things in terms of my walk – and it worked!!

Meli likes to take a nice long nap in the mornings. We wake up, nurse, then she’s up for a bit and then she sleeps for awhile. So why not take our walk then, I thought? I KNOW she’ll be sleeping. Even though I usually use this time for doing other stuff (like laundry, computer work, etc.), the walk is more important to me – the rest of it can wait.

She was a bit fussy went we first went out but because it wasn’t later in the day, I was in a better more relaxed mood AND I knew that she was definitely on her way out, so I dealt with it and kept on walking. Soon she was sound asleep. I was also smart to cover the stroller with a light receiving blanket so no errant sunbeams were able to disturb the princess (that happened yesterday – turned a corner and didn’t adjust the shade canopy fast enough – instant crying.)

We were rewarded with cooler temperatures, a snake sighting, muskrat sighting, lots of birds and tons of tulips in bloom – not to mention all the trees! It was a GREAT walk and Meli woke up right at the end. YAY MOMMY AND MELI!

We’re in such a good mood, tonight we’re going to attempt a dinner date with Daddy!
Have a great weekend everyone!
L, C & M

Six weeks and all smiles. Thank you for indulging us!

More after the jump!

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(My girl is asleep in her sling as I write this – we’ll see how much hands free time I get.)

Terry asked the other day if things were really going as well as I’ve written and honestly they are – I don’t have much to complain about other than the usual lack of sleep. Meli is a wonderful baby – she’s full of smiles now and is growing like a weed. Her daddy and I constantly remark on how HUGE she is! When we’re out people will comment on how tiny she is – “She’s so new!” and I’m all like are you KIDDING ME? She’s a monster she’s so big! The other day at my Mom’s I did the scientific weighing of the mother then weighing of the mother and baby (on her digital scale) and she topped off at 10 lbs. This was right before her six week birthday. She doesn’t go back to the doctor until she’s 8 weeks so we’ll see. I fully expect her to be over ten pounds – maybe even over 11!

Despite all the goodness, yesterday I definitely hit a wall. Many of my long time readers will know that I love a good obsession and my new one is our daily walks. We live right on a river and behind our apartment building is a maze of town homes that line the river. There are walkways all over the place and I’ve discovered that if I do the “loop” twice, it takes me about an hour. I walk at a pretty good clip – I work up a nice sweat – and the weather has been so beautiful that it’s a sin to be inside. Also, when we’re outside, Meli is usually asleep and I’m NOT nursing. So it’s been our practice to go out everyday during the work week. Every day. Even if I’m so tired I can’t move I still want to go out and as soon as get past the five minute mark I’m loving it! It rejuvenates me! The only problem is that if I can’t do the loop twice, I get really frustrated. Like yesterday. Meli slept soundly for the first loop and as we rounded the corner to start the second she got more and more fussy. I stopped and tried to talk to her or give her the paci again – her eyes were closed the whole time – I KNOW she wanted to be sleeping – but she just wouldn’t budge. I even tried to nurse her a bit on a bench and she fell asleep but woke up as soon as I put her back in the stroller. (I know I should bring my sling with me, but part of the joy of the walk is how sweaty I get – I can’t imagine half way through the walk strapping her to my chest. NOT FUN.) In the end I abandoned the second part of the walk. It was early in the day and I thought I’ll just go back out and try it again later.

I’m telling you, though, this is really the ONLY time that I want to throw my own tantrum. I’ve somehow rolled all of my ME time – my knitting time, my computer time, my bathroom time, my shower time – into my walk. If I don’t get to do my WHOLE walk it makes me NUTS!

Of course, by the time we got back to the house, she was sound asleep.

Fast forward to later in the afternoon. We’d been nursing on the couch off and on for awhile and she seemed like she was ready for an extended nap so I got us all ready to go back out again. It was even MORE beautiful if that can happen and she was sleeping away until we got to the SAME place we were the first time she got fussy. Only this time there was NO consoling her and I ended up carrying her home while pushing the stroller. Man was I bummed.

Then we were back on the sofa and she was asleep after nursing but I was feeling weird. I was on the phone with Ann and I swear my body was paralyzed. I could talk and think but I couldn’t MOVE I was so tired. It was all I could do to lay down with her and take a nap. I slept for about an hour, but then she woke up and I had to wake up and I was a zombie the rest of the night. I do feel a bit better today, but that sleep deprivation is scary stuff.

Lame post. I know. I’m trying. I miss blogging. I love my daughter more than is humanly possible – you know – the way a mother loves her child but I miss knitting! I miss it so much I think about it all the time. In the same conversation I had with Terry she told me how when her daughter was a baby she would sit and nurse and look through all her old knitting magazines imaging all that she would knit. She couldn’t wait for a new one to come. I know that sweet torture. Ravelry is going to kill me.

Mothering my daughter is the best thing I’ve ever done, but dudes, I miss you all. And my god, do I miss knitting.

[It only took me to her first month birthday, but I finally finished Meli’s birth story. It’s long and rambling and I don’t care because I needed to get it out of my head. Feel free to skip it, or just peruse the pictures that start about half way down. Thanks, Meli, for sleeping so I could get this out! Happy One Month baby girl!]

When Georgie and I took Meli to her first doctor’s appointment, our pediatrician came into the room, oohed and ahhed over our baby and said, “So? Tell me the whole story!”

We both looked at each other a little dumbfounded, then cracked a couple of jokes. “Well, nine months ago….” G said. I answered, “We met over 20 years ago….”

I don’t know where to start the story of the three of us. Do I begin with our falling in love? Do I start with that long ago summer when we decided to try to start a family? Do I begin with the trouble? That day – the day before Thanksgiving (a day that treats us so poorly!) – when we found out that our journey to parenthood would be harder than most? Can I leave all the heartache out? I don’t know.

I do know that we love our daughter more than we could ever have imagined. That our struggles were so worth the pain. And that we know just how exceedingly fortunate we are. A few days before Meli was born we were in full blown nesting panic and I was filing away papers like a mad woman. I found the pile of notes and forms and receipts from the fertility clinic and I just cried and cried. It was relief – the worst part of our journey was over and a new part was beginning – the BEST part. It was from the pain of all those years – watching friends and family get pregnant – wondering if we ever would. Questioning my own desire to become a mother – my ability to handle all of it – mentally, physically, emotionally. The reality that it might not work and how we’d handle that disappointment. All of it came flooding back to me. I have to say, a lot of the pain of infertility has lessened for me. Not disappeared, but it all feels so right – that Meli is here – that she’s here NOW – that it’s hard to reconcile the guilt and pain and sadness that infertility delivers with the joy she has brought us. She wouldn’t be who she is – we wouldn’t be the parents we are – without our infertility. Is it crazy to be grateful for infertility? Yes. Yes it is. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. But at the same time I wouldn’t change any of it. I am the mother I am because of what I’ve been through. And I do believe I’m a better mother for it.

Nothing was particularly easy. I was sick most of my pregnancy – not deathly ill – I’m sure there have been sicker – but sick enough. Towards the end it was hard to eat anything at all and I dreaded sleeping because of the indigestion and nausea almost as much as I dreaded being awake. Still and all we prepared for our baby’s birth with high hopes. We wanted things to be as natural as could be without closing ourselves off to all the options. I was looking forward to laboring with G by my side. No one has ever made me feel safer and had more confidence in me and I knew we would be great together!

So when I went to the doctor for my 36 week appointment and my OB did an exam, I was devastated to hear the baby was breech and our baby would most likely be born by c-section. It made a lot of sense though – the fact that I had HORRIBLE indigestion. Also the fact that I rarely ever got up in the middle of the night to pee (no pressure on my bladder). And the fact that all of the kicks and movement were on one side of my belly.

After our diagnosis, Georgie and I discussed all of our options with our OB – and anyone else we trusted. We called our Lamaze coach and asked her opinion. I spoke to everyone I knew who’d had a c-section or a breech baby. I read The Essential C-Section Guide (which I highly recommend). I searched the Internet. I’d like to think we did what any parent would do – we researched our options, weighed the risks and made the best, informed decision for our family.

We decided a planned c-section would be the best option for our family. Suddenly we had less than two weeks until our baby was born. We knew the date! This was really hard for me because I have a thing about numbers and I’m a big believer in fate. Also, how weird is it to just know – THIS day is the day your life will change forever. The weekend before Meli’s birthday was a crazy mix of busy and reflection. We were still getting things done around the house, but oftentimes we’d stop and just look at each other and realize all that would be happening. Those moments were fleeting though and the desire to get everything organized took precedence.

I was afraid Monday would be the longest day of my life, but we managed to pack so much into it that I’m surprised we survived. I had a therapy appointment early in the morning, and at the same time, back at the house, G was supervising a cleaning crew, the cable company, and the handyman while simultaneously taking back to back conference calls for work. By the time I got home to relieve him, everyone was almost gone. I, not wanting to give myself anytime to think, got together some last minute work stuff and made a quick trip to the post office. The day was flying by! It just so happened that we had tickets that night to a major tennis match at Madison Square Garden. It was the perfect antidote to sitting home and panicking, so we went! It was lots of fun and I’m so glad we had the distraction. By the time we got home, I had some last minute vanilla ice cream (my indigestion remedy of choice) and finally finished packing my bag. I was in bed by 1AM and actually fell asleep. I thought I’d be up all night. Around 3AM, G woke me up and I was restless for about an hour, but managed to sleep pretty well the rest of the night.

I wasn’t as nervous as I thought I’d be when we woke up Tuesday morning. We were supposed to be at the hospital around 9:30 – 9:45, so we took our time. I talked to my sister and my mom who were on their way up from Philly. My sister was really concerned that they would call and ask me to come in early – which I thought was kind of weird – but they wanted to see me before I went in and were afraid they’d be late. Wouldn’t you know it? While we were on the phone, I got a call from the hospital asking me if I could be there in an hour! So funny! I rushed around like an idiot and we left as fast as we could. I did manage to shower and shave my legs and throw up (and I did actually get my pedicure on Sunday) so I was all ready for my surgery. 😉

When we got to the hospital we had to check in and then they sent us up to labor and delivery. L&D was PACKED that day. So much so that they set us up in recovery for our pre-op.

Before!

I changed into my beautiful hospital gown and they got me hooked up to all the monitors. The best was having the baby monitor on and watching contractions. I actually had a couple of big ones – although I didn’t feel them all. The closest I would get to actual labor. And I loved hearing her heartbeat the whole time. G has it on video and it’s one of my favorite moments. We settled in for our wait. I was feeling pretty good – not too nervous. We were chatting away with my nurse when she mentioned that she was KNITTING a blanket. I swear my head never spun around so fast. You KNIT?! I practically YELLED at the poor woman. You know where this is
going – I talked nonstop about my knitting and her knitting and everyone else’s knitting for the rest of our time together. And the best part? She told me that my OB was a FABULOUS knitter! I never knew!! Suddenly I was feeling so much better about everything. How could anything go wrong when there were knitters involved? It did a lot to calm my nerves.

One thing I want to remember is this woman they brought into recovery. She was making lots of noise and was obviously in excruciating pain. Georgie looked relieved that I wouldn’t need to go through that and we both were seeing some of the virtues of anesthesia and planned births. Turns out, the woman wasn’t in labor at all! She had a KIDNEY STONE! This woman was in AGONY. The only thing I could say positive about her situation was that labor would be a breeze for her. I was very glad when she finally got a room because she was making me a bit crazy. It’s hard to hear someone in that much pain.

My mom and sister showed up and came to visit with us. I told them about my dr and nurse – the knitters. My dad showed up too. It was a regular party before the surgery. My dr came in and we started talking knitting! Of course I had G getting all the knitting I brought with me so I could show it off. We talked so much the anesthesiology nurse had to interrupt. And oh my god do I love that guy! During our anesthesiology interview he asked if we had a video camera to take into the OR. G had brought ours, but I said no video during surgery – only still pictures. The nurse said NO – take the video and told us this story about his son being born and how he peed all over his hand and the kid loves the tape and I was like okay – take the video in. I AM SO HAPPY THAT HE DID! The video of her birth (just the baby – nothing of the surgery) is precious to me. I am so glad we have it. I didn’t know how important it would be to me. So thanks anesthesiology nurse! (I’m sorry I don’t remember your name!)

Then it was time. I said goodbye to my family and to G and I walked into the OR with the nurse. The most important thing I remember about the OR is that it was amazingly bright inside. There seemed like there were these really big windows and the sunlight was just streaming in and I remember thinking that G would be SO HAPPY that his baby would be born with the sun shining in on us. Everyone was really nice and wonderful in the OR and it was my OB, the knitter, who held me while they did the spinal. First they gave me some Versed and I remember feeling pretty stoned. There are a lot of things I don’t remember, but I do remember the really important things.

Daddy McDreamy!

So I’m on the table and it looks like they’re getting ready to start – from what I could tell – and I’m like don’t start until my husband gets here and someone was like get the husband! Very dramatic. G came in and before he could even get settled they were like get your cameras ready! This I remember very clearly: they told me I would feel a lot of pressure while they got the baby out and MAN did I feel pressure. My whole body was rocking and rolling while they got her out. And then they said it!

“IT’S A GIRL!”

I’ll never forget that either. Georgie and I were so surprised. Georgie says it was the best moment ever. We both were pretty sure we were having a boy. Everyone told us we were having a boy. In fact – when we had our 20 wk ultrasound the doctor said “he looks great” and I left the appt in tears because I thought they had screwed up and told us the sex, G was the one who told me oh no – they just have to pick one or the other because they can’t call the baby “it” and I was convinced, but it turns out he WASN’T. He really did think the doctor screwed up and was sure it was a boy! Let me tell you – best decision ever not finding out the sex. What a wonderful surprise!

My favorite picture of the day – can you see her little foot? (Click for big!)

Detail! Look at her toes!

She cried and cried and Georgie went around to check on her. Her little legs were splayed open from the breech, but other than that she was great. Her apgars were 9 and 9. She was PERFECT!

While they’re sewing me up!

I have to say, my OB practice and my hospital do planned c-sections EXTREMELY well! We all stayed together in the OR and then G wheeled Meli to recovery right behind me. We were not separated at all!

My first time holding her!

So proud – daddy’s little girl already!

And I got to nurse her right away! She latched on like a CHAMP! (And hasn’t let go since….)

Mmmmmm…delicious!

My family came into recovery as well.

Mom-Mom holds Meli

Mom-Mom and Pop – grandparents AGAIN!

It was such a great scene – everyone was there and probably not much different than it would’ve been if she had been born vaginally. We were all together for a little while and then, honestly, I was TIRED. I had to stay in recovery until I could move my legs (which was REALLY weird, because I could see that I was moving them, but couldn’t feel them.) I sent Georgie off with the baby to the nursery and I kind of slept there for a bit. That whole first day I was pretty out of it mostly. Dozing off and on and not really in any pain. When they gave me the spinal they also injected me with a long lasting (18-24 hrs) morphine
type thing so I was pretty pain free the entire day. And I was getting intravenous Motrin. Honestly, my c-section recovery has been EASY. I never took anything more than Motrin. By the following morning after the surgery I was catheter, IV and leg cuff free – which means I was up and walking around. And my incision is beautiful – at least that’s what every nurse who checked me said and my husband, who has had A LOT of surgery says – and I tell them all it’s because I had a knitter for an OB! I mean C’MON people – Mattress stitch is the invisible seam!!!

The end of the first day – all blissed out!

It may not have started out as my ideal birth plan, but in the end it was PERFECT. And I have Miss Meli to prove it. Happy Birthday Sweet Girl! Mommy loves you the most!

PS – Funny story I can’t leave out – whether you’ve given birth vaginally or by c-section – you’ll all appreciate. But it’s a bit TMI so it’s after the jump.

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After Our Walk

Sleeping With Daddy

Things have been going well. We made our first trip down to Philly for our favorite 3 yr old’s birthday party. We had an ultrasound done of Meli’s hips – a standard practice for breech babies – and everything’s perfectly normal. We’ve nursed for what seems like HOURS on end. I’ve got about half our birth story written up. I knit about two rows. Today I chose to do laundry for the little bit she’d sleep on her own. Oh and we played Patty Cake and I got a little smile.

We miss you, but we’re having so much fun!

So Georgie went back to work this week, which means Meli and I are home alone. I was pretty nervous about it, but Monday went spectacularly! I was able to get some packages ready in the morning for the post office, we drove Daddy to the train, dropped the packages off, came home, nursed, I had a bowl of cereal, Meli had a bath (yes – I bathed her BY MYSELF!), Mommy had a shower and was able to BLOW DRY HER HAIR! and then we made it to a doctor’s appt ON TIME despite rain and traffic. The doctor told us Meli is perfect and she managed to gain a whopping 10 oz in one week and barely cried when she got her shot (I waited until the nurse left to totally break down. Wuss.) Then we did a little shopping. Came home and fell asleep nursing in the awesome new glider we have! PERFECT day!

Yesterday, Daddy left when we were still asleep and didn’t come home until late. So we had a VERY LONG DAY together. I’m trying to set at least one goal for us to accomplish in a day – baby steps – and yesterday’s goal was to go for a walk. It was almost 70 degrees here and even though it was overcast most of the day and rained on and off I didn’t want to miss the nice weather. So finally we got ourselves together and it looked kind of sunny so we headed out for our walk. Miss Meli had been nursing A LOT during the day so it was perfect for us to get out of the house and she generally likes to be moving, so I figured she would sleep while we were out. And her in the stroller = NOT ON THE BOOB so it was a win win as far as I was concerned.

Except when we finally got out of the house and out from under the building it started to POUR. I mean buckets of rain. So we went back inside and headed to the couch where Meli became permanently attached to my boob until the sun came out again and I said FUCK THIS we need to get out of the house. So we went for our walk right as the sun was setting. It was all good until halfway through and then Meli started to cry and I tried to hurry home so we could take up residence on the couch again.

Which we did. For the rest of the night. I checked my breastfeeding book and it said that 3 weeks is a growth spurt and sometimes during a growth spurt the baby will just want to nurse ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT. Georgie kept asking if there was something wrong with her, but my sister assured us that sometimes that’s what babies do and then Meli peed all over herself for the second time that day while G was changing her so she had yet another bath and then she seemed to calm down. We sang her songs and she slept on my chest for awhile and we both fell asleep and she didn’t nurse so much at night. I did get to sleep some. Thanks must go to my husband who rubbed my back so sweetly while we nursed together. He doesn’t have to wake up with us, technically, but it’s nice to have company that doesn’t poop while she eats.

Today hasn’t been as bad as yesterday, so far, and we’re meeting up with FAinLI in the big city for some yarn shopping because I’m now obsessed with this bear and must make it in the same color.

Wish us luck on our third day.

I hope I remember.

Like the way Meli sticks her feet up in the air when she nurses. She’ll be on her back, head turned to my breast, and at least one of her legs is straight up in the air.

Like the way she’s always flipping me off. She can’t keep her hands away from her face and often her middle finger gets “caught” on her cheek. I like to think she’s practicing for later.

Like the way she’s so good in the car. We’ve dragged her EVERYWHERE and she’s only three weeks old and she’s such a trooper. But she likes to go fast – let the MPH drop below 40 and she starts to complain. She likes the bumps too.

Like the fact that I can’t listen to Sunshine On My Shoulders without bursting into tears – especially the line “If I had a day that I could give you, I’d give to you a day just like today” which makes me think about the day she was born and how sunny it was in the OR and how I thought of G and how happy that would make him.

Like how I can eat now. Really really eat. And I can remember how sick I was when I was pregnant, but I can’t remember how the sickness felt. I miss her inside me – I really do – but it’s so nice to eat!

Like how she sleeps with her arms over her head like her dad. And she has long skinny legs like her dad. And his lips. Definitely her daddy’s lips.

Like how alert she is! When her eyes are open, they’re always focused on something. She loves to look around and is so curious!

But mostly I want to remember how everything is the same, but so different. And the love. All that freaking good love that flows like breastmilk.

Hey everyone! Sorry to leave you hanging like that. Especially in light of the fact that the last post is really in no way indicative of how we’re all getting along. Meli is really – and I say this completely objectively – the perfect baby girl. She rarely fusses, nurses like a champ, poops like an elephant (who subsists mainly on grey poupon. By the way, it’s no coincidence that grey poupon has POO in the word!) And most importantly, she sleeps very well. I get a good three hours at a stretch every night between feedings.

She had her first drs appt yesterday and she’s gained back to her birth weight and grown an inch. Of course, she probably had that inch at the hospital – G says they measured her with her legs in the air after she was born.

She’s been to the mall (she’s a Jersey girl – natch!), car shopping and spent much quality time with her adoring cousins. Aunts, uncles, grandparents – they’ve all been through to pay their respects to our little princess and this week Daddy’s home with us! I hope to get back to regular-ish blogging next week when it’s just the two of us (can you spell T-E-R-R-I-F-I-E-D?)

Here’s some proof that we’re doing well!

I’ve even done some knitting! I was right! The Rambling Rows blanket is the PERFECT newborn project. I can pick it up and put it down without any issues and I’ve already finished one square and am halfway through another since her birthday. I’m trying out slings this week so if all goes well, there will be more blogging and more knitting in my very near future.

Thanks again for all your lovely well wishes for our baby girl and our family. They mean so much to us! I’m hoping to have our birth story up soon – it’s so important to me to get it all down and really everything went off without a hitch. While it wasn’t exactly what we planned for – it couldn’t have gone better.

See you soon!!

L, C & M