If you’re American when you go in the bathroom, and you’re American when you leave the bathroom, what are you when you’re IN the bathroom?
European!
It’s so good it’s worth repeating. Lord knows I need some cheering up these days – and I know I’m not the only one – so tell me a joke!
This ain’t no kids site, so make it bawdy, make it silly, make it stupid, make it witty, make it BAD, but whatever you do MAKE IT FUNNY!
Leave me a joke in the comments and I’ll put your name in the hat for this:
That’s 4oz. of Jamieson & Smith 2-ply jumper-weight in Cream – perfect for that End-of-Summer-of-Lace pattern! Oh yeah and you’ll get some sheepy or flower cards, whichever you prefer. Or both if you want. And maybe some other goofy prize. We’ll see how funny you are.
Feel free to leave as many comments as you want, but I’m only going to enter your name once. I’ll close the contest Friday night.
ETA: I’ve also decided to give a runner-up prize (photocards and a little goofy something) to the commenter who tells me what I consider the BEST joke of the bunch. So GET FUNNY!
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free drink if he would show him something truly amazing…
“Sure” agreed the bartender “if you really wow me.”
So the man opens a paper bag he brought in and opens it up. He pulls out a little piano. Then he pulls out a little man and the man starts playing the piano.
“Wow,” says the bartender pouring the man a drink, “How´d you get that guy?”
“I got a genie,” says the man, “You wanna try it, he only gives one
wish.”
The bartender agrees and the man pulls a lamp out of the bag and hands it to the bartender. The bartender rubs the lamp and out pops a genie and offers the bartender 1 wish.
“I wish for a million bucks” — and the bar is immediately filled with geese. “I said a million bucks, not ducks. What, is this genie deaf?”
The guy replies, ” Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”´
The French will eat almost anything. A young cook decided that the French would enjoy feasting on rabbits and decided to raise rabbits in Paris and sell them to the finer restaurants in the city. He searched all over Paris seeking a suitable place to raise his rabbits. None could be found. Finally, an old priest at the cathedral said he could have a small area behind the rectory for his rabbits. He successfully raised a number of them, and when he went about Paris selling them, a restaurant owner asked him where he got such fresh rabbits. The young man replied, “I raise them myself, near the cathedral. In fact, I have … a hutch back of Notre Dame.
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the blonde yelled back, “IT’S A SCARF!”
Hey, did I tell you about the blank tape I played at full blast the other night?
Drove the mime next door nuts!!
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
Cause she wanted to lay it on the line.
A three year old boy in the bathtub was examing his tesitcles.
“Mommy, are these my brains?”
She answered, “Not yet.”
No joke, just wanted to say what a great idea! I can’t ever tell a joke, I always forget the punch line!
Happy Knitting
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I had started and hadn’t finished, and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a box of candy bars, a bucket of fried chicken, a package of Oreo’s, a pot of coffee, the rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of Godiva chocolates.
You have no idea how good I feel!
A woman whose hair is blonde decides she just can’t take it anymore. She’s tired of all the blond jokes: the advantages of being blonde are vastly outweighed by having to listen to all the blonde jokes. So one night she dyes her hair black. She goes into work the next day and doesn’t hear a single blonde joke. Okay, so her hair is black but she’s too happy to care, because she thinks she’ll never have to hear another blonde joke.
She drives home from work in a rural area and sees a sheep crossing the road. She slows to let it pass, and pretty soon is surrounded by a herd of sheep. After 20 minutes, they finally finish crossing the road, and the shepherd comes along and waves to her and thanks her for stopping to wait for the sheep.
“You sure have a lot of sheep there,” she says. “I know, it’s very difficult to keep track of them all,” the shepherd says. “If I tell you how many sheep you have, would you give me one?” she asks. “Sure, if you guess correctly, I’ll give you one,” he agrees. “You have 257 sheep,” says the woman.
The shepherd is suitably impressed, and tells her to go ahead and pick one out and take it with her. So she picks out a sheep and puts it in the back of her car. As she’s preparing to leave, the shepherd knocks on her window. She rolls the window down and he says, “If I tell you what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back?”
~snort~ “lay it on the line”. I giggled!
🙂
How fun, Cara.
Okay, here’s mine. 🙂
A guy buys a parrot who has a filthy mouth. The man tries everything to stop the parrot from streaming expletives to no avail.
Someone tells him to stick the parrot in the freezer the next time he starts.
Reluctant, but desperate, the next time the parrot starts his swearing, the man sticks the parrot in the freezer for a couple of minutes.
When he opens the door, the man says to the parrot,
“Did you learn your lesson?”
The parrot says,pointing to a frozen chicken in the freezer “I sure did! But I’d like to know what that bird said!”
What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?
A Stick.
A chicken and an egg are laying in bed together. The chicken rolls over, lights a cigarette, turns to the egg and says “Well, I guess we answered that question.”
please keep them coming!
What does it say about a man who has big hands and big feet?
He has big socks and big mittens. (and maybe a kind wife?)
I love Laurie’s joke (the real color of your hair.) I can only think of this one. (Hint: say the punchline out loud.)
A rope walked into a bar and asked for a vodka tonic. The bartender said, “We don’t serve ropes here. Get out!”
The next night, the rope went back into the bar. Before it could even ask for anything, the bartender said, “Hey! I told you! We don’t serve ropes!” and threw the rope back into the street.
Well, the rope really wanted a good drink, and this was the best bar in town. So it thought, and thought, and thought — and finally it had a bright idea. That evening, on the way to the bar, it rolled around in some dust and shook its ends out a bit. Feeling a bit frazzled, it sauntered into the bar. The bartender spotted it right away. “Hey! We don’t serve ropes here!” The rope ignored him, and asked for a vodka tonic. “Look, buddy,” said the bartender, “ain’t you a rope?” The rope replied:
“I’m afraid not.”
Two peanuts were walking down the street and one was a salted.
(The back story: When I was 21, I spent about six months telling this joke non-stop. For whatever reason, my friend C. always happened to be standing next to me when I told it. Every time I told the joke she’d laugh and then this one time I told the joke and she didn’t laugh – she paused and then she let out a huge guffaw. She said “A Salted! All this time I thought the joke was Unsalted! A salted is MUCH FUNNIER!”)
A counter-point to the pianist joke:
A bartender looks up as a customer sits down at the bar. The man is huge and muscular but has a tiny head the size of a golf ball. The bartender wants to be polite and ignore it but his curiosity gets the best of him.
“What happened to your head?”
“Well,” says the man. “I was walking down the beach one day and kicked over a bottle. Out came the most beautiful genie. She had long flowing blonde hair and the most know out body. She said she would grant me one wish.
I asked if she would sleep with me but she said no. So I said, ‘How about a little head?'”
*sigh* I know, I know, you only said one….I couldn’t stop myself once I started. And I can promise you, I made all these up myself just now. Which I’m sure you can believe, looking at the quality of them…*giggle*
1. What do you call a billy goat who sings country music? Johnny Cashmere
2. How about a male sheep who preaches? Billy Ram
3. What should you always promise when you ask to visit a farm raising South American fleece animals? “Alpaca lunch.”
4. What program did the judge sentence the enraged rabbit breeder to? Angora management.
5. What did the blended yarn say to the pure wool yarn? “Don’t mind me, I’m a little tencel.”
6. What did the wool yarn say back? “I know, I felted.”
Q: Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A: So the English will understand them.
This is hilarious! I would like to extend Elisa’s joke….The other gets aroasted (arrested/aroasted badumbum). The back story to that joke is that my after walking down the aisle at my wedding and meeting my husband there, he could not look at his guys without cracking a smile. I knew something was up. Apparently, they had been telling jokes right before the wedding and they were so nervous that they couldn’t look at each other without laughing. My husband told me that joke after we lit the unity candle when I asked him what was up. On to my primary joke…
Two potatoes are standing on a street corner, how do you know which one is a prostitute?
It has a sticker on it that says “Idaho”.
Why I fired my secretary..
Two weeks ago was my 45th birthday and I wasn’t feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say: “Happy Birthday!”, and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn’t even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that’s wives for you, the children will
remember. The children came in to breakfast and didn’t say a word. So, when I left for the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good Morning Boss, “Happy Birthday”. And I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day outside, and it’s your birthday, let’s go to! lunch, just you and me.”
I said, “By George, that’s the greatest thing I’ve heard all day. Let’s go!” We went to lunch. We didn’t go where we normally go; instead we
went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, “You know, it’s such a beautiful day. We don’t need to go back to the office, do we?”
I said, “No, I guess not”. She said, “Let’s go to my apartment.”
After arriving at her apartment, she said, “Boss, if you don’t mind, I think I’ll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.”
“Sure!” I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake —– followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there……. on the couch…… naked.
Oh, so funny, everyone!
A pirate walks into a bar. Between his legs, there’s a HUGE steering wheel for a ship. The bartender says, “Looks like you could use a drink. Why the heck do you have a steering wheel there?”
The pirate says, “YEAARRRRGHH, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
A little girl and little boy are playing together in the playground. The little boy decides to tease the little girl. He says to her “I have a truck”, the little girl says “I don’t care, I have a doll”. The little boy thinks and waves his fingers in her face and says “I have a thumb” she says “well, so do I”. The little boy knows he has her and drops his pant and says “I have a penis”. The little girl lifts her dress and begins to cry and runs home to her Mom.
The next day, the same little boy decides that since he got the girl to cry yesterday he would try again. “I have a truck” he tells her. “I don’t care, I have doll” she replies. “Well, I have a thumb” he tells her shoving his hands in her face. She pushes him away and tells him “I don’t care, I have thumbs too”. He drops his pants and proudly exclaims “I have a penis!” The little girl lift her dresses and points at herself an exclaims….
“My Mommy told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
One Christmas, my aunt decided to buy one her children a parrot. She went to the pet shop, where a salesman showed her a most extraordinary bird.
“If you hold a lit match under his left foot, he’ll sing ‘We Wish You A Merry Christmas’. A lit match under his right foot will prompt him to sing ‘Silent Night’.” the salesman claimed.
She bought him on the spot and took him home to her children. One took a lit match and held it under the parrot’s balls, and the parrot squawked out “Chestnuts roasting on an open fire………”
God was just about done creating man and woman, before he finished up, he had two last traits to give away. “Who wants to pee standing up?” God asked, man starts jumping “Me, me me …” God says “Ok, I guess women get multiple orgasms.”
Q. What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before he leaves the factory?
A. Two test tickles
The momma and daddy tomato were out for a nice walk with their baby. The farther they walked along the further the baby tomato would fall back. The momma tomato called out to her baby “Come along little one!”, even so he kept falling behind. The father called back sternly “Hurry up, lets get going!!”, and he fell back even further. Finally the momma tomato became fed up and walked all the way back to the baby tomato and stomped her foot down and yelled “KETCHUP!!!”
Men have two emotions- hungry and horny. If he doesn’t have a hard on, make him a sandwich!
Here’s a two-fer-one special.
A priest, a rabbi, and a mule walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”
At Venice Beach one day, two bodybuilders were comparing tans. One said to the other, “You know, I’m tanned everywhere except my ‘tools’. Don’t you think a tan there would impress our girlfriends?” The other replied, “Sure it would. I know of a private beach where we can bury ourselves, leaving the stuff out to match the rest of our bodies.”
So they go, bury themselves except for the privates, which are laying out there on the sand, sunning. Two little old ladies todder by on their daily seashell hunt, and one of them spies the boys’ goodies. She exclaims, “Look, Ethyl! What I wouldn’t have given for one of those when I was young and now they’re just growing wild.”
So a man goes to the Far Frozen North because he wants to catch a polar bear. He finds a Far Frozen North native and asks him the secret to catching a polar bear. For a thousand dollars, the FFN native agrees to tell him. So he follows the FFN native’s directions: He goes out onto an ice floe, chops a hole in the ice, and surrounds it with frozen peas. Then he sits down and waits. And waits. And waits. Several hours later, another man comes along and asks him what he’s doing. He says, “When the polar bear comes to take a pea, then I kick him in the ice hole.”
Well, a female IT supporter was just setting up a computer for a male worker in a company she was doing some work for. The man was young, and wanted to show himself. The Female IT supporter, was about to set a password up on his computer, and asked him, what he would like as a password. Of course the male worker, just wanted to try, to see if he could make the Female IT supporter embarrassed, so he said that he wanted DICK as his password. The female IT supporter didn’t say anything, but shortly after, she started to laugh very high!! The Male worker asked what was wrong, and she turned the screen and right there it said….DICK…..Password TO SHORT! *LOL*
He…that is a Danish joke, i just tried to translate into English….it maked me laugh, when i heard it!:-)
From Gracie…Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet? Because he was looking for Pooh.
Two eggs are in a frying pan and one says “Man it’s hot in here.” The other one says “Holy sh*t a talking egg!”
These are great jokes! Mine is bad, though.
Q. What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when he hits your windshield?
A. His ass.
Great Jokes! Here’s mine…
Q. What do you call a cow that’s had a calf?
A. De-calf-anated (Decaffeinated)
HA! Bad, I know.
This is my son’s all-time favorite:
Q.How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put a little boogie in it!
This is my mother’s all-time favorite:
A guy went to the beach and noticed that another guy seemed to be attracting most of the female attention. The first guy couldn’t figure out what the attraction was, so eventually he asked him “Hey buddy, what’s your secret?” The Don Juan winked at him and said, “Just slip a potato into your Speedo.” Guy #1 thought that sounded odd but was willing to give it a try, and spent the next afternoon parading around the beach with a potato down his suit, only to hear snickers everywhere he went. At the end of the day he ran into Guy #2 and complained, “I did exactly what you told me to do but no dice.” Don Juan looked him over and replied, “Try putting the potato in front.”
🙂
DINNER CONVERSATION GONE WRONG…
WIFE: “What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?”
HUSBAND: “Definitely not!”
WIFE: “Why not – don’t you like being married?”
HUSBAND: “Of course I do.”
WIFE: “Then why wouldn’t you remarry?”
HUSBAND: “Okay, I’d get married again.”
WIFE: “You would? (with a hurtful look on her face).”
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: “Would you sleep with her in our bed?”
HUSBAND: “Where else would we sleep?”
WIFE: “Would you replace my pictures with hers?”
HUSBAND: “That would seem like the proper thing to do.”
WIFE: “Would you play golf with her?”
HUSBAND: “I guess so.”
WIFE: “Would she use my golf clubs?”
HUSBAND: “No, she’s left-handed.”
WIFE: – – silence – – –
HUSBAND: “Shit.”
I don’t have one to add… sorry! but just wanted to tell you I love the idea 😉
I’ve got nothing to add, but wanted to thank you so much for the cards I “won” in the July 4 contest. I just love them – theclarity and focus is amazing and the quality of the printing and paper make these a big step above any note cards I’ve seen before. These will be perfect to send to someone when you want to send more than “just a card” – each one is a small gift in itself.
Thanks again!
Louise in Maryland
what do you do with a dog with no legs?
take it for a drag
for no apparent reason, this has made me laugh for over 20 years…
Here’s a silly philosophy joke for you…
DESCARTES: I’d like one quarter pounder please.
McDONALDS WORKER: Would you like onions on that?
DESCARTES: I think not.
Poof – he vanishes!
this is my children’s favorite:
why is six afraid of seven? because seven 8 nine.
took me a while to get it (English being my second language I am always slow with different words having the same sound)
A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.
The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn’t even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.
The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn’t want that room, and they moved on.
The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.
The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, “Break time is over! Back on your heads!”
Q: Why would a blonde have bruises around her navel?
A: Blond guys are just as stupid as the female of the speices.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like bananas. –Groucho Marx
Three things that suggest Jesus may have actually been a woman:
1. He was always explaining his point of view to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it.
2. He had to feed crowds of people at a moment’s notice when there was almost no food on hand.
3. Even when he was dead he had to get up because there was still work to be done.
An elderly gentleman feared his wife was becoming hard of hearing, so one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and told the husband that in the meantime there was a simple test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.
“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor, “start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone, see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he’s in the living room. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”
Then in a normal tone he asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
No response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for supper?”
Still no response, so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away.
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her.
“Honey, what’s for supper?”
“Damn it Earl, for the fifth time, CHICKEN!”
My favorite dumb joke:
q: what’s brown and sticky?
a: a stick.
Apart from my favorite clean joke:
Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Impatient Cow.
Impatient Cow Wh- (moooooo)
is the artistocrats joke. A la Cartman (south park):
http://www.ifilm.com/player/preferences.jsp?ifilmId=2673965&pg=&skin=tomatoes&refsite=6081&launchVal=1&mediaSize=default&realId=2673965
Ok, probably should have prefaced the above with a dislaimer that the aristocrasts joke is DIRTY to the max. So only watch if you’re of that ilk.
What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
NACHO cheese.
I remembered another one:
A penguin is having car trouble so he goes to a mechanic. The mechanic says he’ll check out the car if the penguin will come back in half an hour. To kill time, the penguin goes across the street and orders two scoops of vanilla ice cream. Being a penguin, he has some trouble eating it and gets it all over his beak. Then he goes back to the garage, where the mechanic says “Looks like you blew a seal.” The penguin says “No, no, that’s just ice cream!”
1) Three married couples are going through a sort of counseling course through their church. Their pastor asks them to explore intimacy in new ways, and to refrain from having sex for two weeks. Two weeks later they return. He asks the first couple who have been married for 50 years how they did. “We did fine. We’ve been together a long time, you know, and the passion just isn’t what it used to be.” He asks the second couple, who have been married for 7 years and joined the class because they were afraid that passion had already left their marriage. “Well, at first we thought it would be easy, as things haven’t been too hot lately. But when we realized that we weren’t supposed to, we wanted it even more. But we stuck with the assignment and made it through the two weeks.” The pastor then turned to the newlywed couple, married for only 1 year. “Well, pastor,” said the husband, already turning pink. “We tried. We really did. But then one day I was behind her and she was bending down to the bottom shelf for a light bulb, and her hips just looked so sexy, and…I could help myself. I just had to have here, right there, just like that. It was amazing too. Some of the best sex we’ve ever had, right there on the floor.” “I am appalled!” said the pastor. “I can’t believe, not only do you not have the self control to refrain from marital relations for only two weeks, but you don’t even have the decency to keep from telling us all the sordid details. I am in shock. From now on you two are no longer welcome in this class!” “That’s OK,” the husband replied. “We’re not welcome at the grocery store either.” 2) One day, long ago, Adam is alone in The Garden. It’s spring, and all of the animals and birds are pairing off and disappearing into the woods. He’s lonely. “God,” he says one day at lunch “I’m lonely. Can you make me a mate?” “Hmm,” replied God. “I think I can make the perfect mate for you, but it will cost you an arm and a leg.” “Oh,” said Adam, turning pale. “What can I get for a rib?”
So, God takes the rib and makes Eve. He brings her to Adam, who takes one look at her, grabs her by the hand, and runs off into the woods with her. God doesn’t hear from Adam for a few days. Finally, Adam shows up to thank God. “Wow…I mean..wow!” God smiles. “So, you like her, huh?” “OH, YES! But…I have a few questions.” God looks perplexed. After all this time in the woods, how could there be anything left to explain? “Go ahead.” “Well, I was wondering, why you made her so beautiful.” God smiles. “So you’d like her, Adam.” “Oh. Yeah, I do! It’s just that…uhm…why did you make her so curvy?” “Well, so you’d like her, Adam.” “Oh.” Adam looks down, starts to turn red and kicks the dirt a little. “God? Uh, why….why did you make her so stupid?” God bursts out laughing. “So she’d like you, Adam!”
3) One day a little boy walked down to breakfast, crying and sniffling. “What’s the matter?” his mother asked. “Grandma is dead,” he replied through his sobs. “Oh, honey, don’t be silly. It was just a dream. Don’t worry, Grandmas is OK.” He ate his breakfast and went off to school. An hour later, her sister called to tell her that their mother had passed away in her sleep. A few weeks later, the little boy came downstairs to breakfast wearing his play clothes, even though it was a school day. “Oh, no, buddy. You’re going to school today! What are you thinking?” “We don’t have school today. The principal is dead.” “What? That’s ridiculous, they would have called if school was closed, and what a horrible thing to think about Mr. Peterson.” Just then the phone rang, and it was the little boy’s teacher calling to say that there would be no school that day because Mr. Peterson had passed away. A few months later, the little boy came down to breakfast, sobbing and crying as if his heart had been ripped out. “Oh, honey,” she said, holding him, afraid of what he might say. “What’s wrong?” “D…d…d…Daddy’s dead.” “WHAT?” He had just left not 30 minutes before, and should be at his office. She called in a panic. He answered the phone, and it took him a while to understand what was going on. He had heard of his son’s strange premonitions, but since he was obviously alive, was not concerned. “Please come home!” his wife pleaded, so he said he would come home for lunch that day. She paced the kitchen, twisting a dish towel in her hands all that morning until she heard his car in the driveway. She opened the door and ran out…and fell flat on her face. She had tripped over something. She stood up and looked down. The mailman was lying dead on the doorstep.And one last quickie! How are men and ceramic tile alike?….If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them forever. Those are the best jokes I know that don’t require funny voices to tell correctly. 🙂
A bear and a bunny are in the woods taking a shit. The bear turns to the bunny and asks “Do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur?” The bunny replies, “why no.” So the bear picks up the bunny and wipes his ass with it.
Someone walks into a bar and says, “All lawyers are a**holes!”
Someome sitting at the bar says, “I’m offended by that.”
The bartender says, “Why, are you a lawyer?”
The bar patron says, “No, I’m an a**hole.”
This one’s from “Highlights” magazine.
When a mouse loses his tail where does he go to get a new one?
A retail store.
My dad tells this joke every year at Thanksgiving. It has special significance for those who are science and those from Pittsburgh.
Albert Einstein is at a party and is enjoying meeting all of the people there and mingling. He approaches one man and says, “Excuse me, sir what is your IQ?”
“Why, Dr. Einstein, it’s 147,” the man says.
“Well then, I’d like to talk to you about the photoelectric effect and the emission of electrons,” says Einstein. So the two talk for a bit about the photoelectric effect until finally they reach the end of their conversation. They both move on and Einstein spots an interesting-looking woman.
“Excuse me ma’am” Says Einstein “but I was wondering what your IQ is.”
“Dr. Einstein, my IQ is 162,” says the woman.
So Einstein says “Well, I’d like to tell you about my theory of relativity and special and general relativity.” So the two talk about his theory for a while until final they come to the end of their conversation. They say goodbye and move on. Einstein sees another man he would like to strike up a conversation with.
“Excuse me sir,” Einstein says to the man “but I was wondering what your IQ is.”
“Der, I dunno,” say the man.
“I see,” says Einstein. “So, how ’bout dem Steelers?”
a guy walks into a hardware store and says that he and his brothers need some lumber. The store clerk helping them asks how many wide the boards need to be. The guy thinks about it for a minute, then goes outside to consult with his brothers. He comes back in and says that he needs them two inches wide. The clerk then says “do you need a 2×4? or a 2×2 or a 2×6?” The guy thinks about it another minute or so, then leaves to consult his brothers. He comes back with an answer: “2×4!”
The clerk then asks how long he needs them. The guy rushes outside to ask his brothers and then all of them come into the store. “We need them for a long time,” they say, “we’re going to build a house!”
Now that we’re “a certain age” we’ve found that some of our friends are having “work” done. The other day, I was walking home from the market and was greeted by a very handsome, smooth-faced man, who obviously knew me. I had to admit I didn’t recognize him. “I’m Bob Jones, your neighbor!” Wow, Bob looked terrific–and I knew he had to be in his mid-60’s. “How do you do it, Bob? You look great!”
“Well,” he said, “I had a full body lift. The doctor just started at my hairline and pulled everything up to tighten it.” “Gee, Bob, it worked really well. But I don’t remember that you had a dimple in your chin before.”
“No,” he replied, “that’s not really a dimple. It’s my bellybutton. It got moved all the way up!”
I was truly impressed, and said so, which inspired Bob to show me the piece de resistance:
“Just dig this crazy necktie!”
Bada-boom!
A Scottish soldier in full dress marches into a pharmacy to speak to the druggist. The Scot opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, opens it to reveal a smaller silk square which he unfolds to reveal a condom. The condom has a number of patches on it. He holds it up.
“How much to repair it?” the Scot asks the pharmacist.
“Six pence,” says the pharmacist.
“How much for a new one?”
“Ten pence.”
The Scot folds the condom into the silk square and the cotton bandana, places it in his sporran and marches down the aisle and out the door of the pharmacy. A moment or two later a great shout goes up, followed by an even greater shout. The Scot walks into the pharmacy again, and back to the pharmacist.
“The regiment has taken a vote,” the Scot says. “We’ll have a new one.”
A fellow skipped church one Sunday morning, since it was such a fine and shining day, and decided to go hunting instead.
Out in the woods he suddenly spied a huge bear coming at him and looking very hungry indeed. Turning and running, the fellow began to pray, starting with his most sincere apologies for skipping out on services and ending with his utterly heartfelt plea that God turn the bear into a Christian.
Risking a look over his shoulder, the man saw that the bear was closer than ever and, apparently, drooling. This horrific vision sent him into sheer blind panic and he ran into a tree and knocked himself down. As he rolled over, knowing he couldn’t possibly get up in time, he shot one last desperate prayer heavenward.
Suddenly, about 2 feet away from him, the bear stopped in its tracks and fell to its knees, clasping its mighty paws in a prayerful attitude.
The man was ready to weep in sheer relief when he heard the bear say:
“For what I am about to receive, O Lord, make me truly grateful…”
I am a repository of dumb jokes…
A man walks into a bar and says ouch.
A bear walks into a bar, puts his hands up on the counter and says “Can I have a…beer?” The bartender says “What’s with the big pause”
A depressed alligator walks into a bar and the bartender says “what’s with the long face?”
Why was the elephant standing on the marshmallow?
He didn’t want to fall into the hot chocolate!
Why did the elephant float down the river on his back?
He didn’t want to get his new shoes wet.
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, “We don’t serve
beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, very angry now, says, “If you don’t serve me a beer, I’m going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar.” The bartender
says, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings”
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman.
He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender states, “Sorry, we don’t serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars
in Billings who are on drugs.”
The bear says, “I’m NOT on drugs!”
………You’re gonna love this………
The bartender says, “You are now. That was a barbitchyouate.”
Two drunks have closed the bar and are walking home. As they are wobbling down the street, they see a dog sitting under the street lamp and licking himself.
They stop to watch.
The one drunk turns to his friend and says, “You know, I would give anything to be able to do that.”
His friend takes one more look at the dog and turns back to him and says, “well Jesus Christ, you better pet him first!”
One of my favorites:
A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man’s sorry progress.
Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, the priest proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, “May I help you, my son?” “I dunno.” came the drunk’s voice from behind the partition. “You got any toilet paper on your side?”
A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she way lost.
She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The biker said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish
me?”
The biker said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?”
The lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”