Hey Shirley – this one’s for you!

At Rhinebeck this weekend, envy was in full force. You had your yarn envy, fiber envy, fleece envy, sweater (not so much – it was too hot!) envy, shawl envy, sock envy, spindle envy, sheep envy, wheel envy. You name it people wanted it.

All I wanted was a bigger belly. MAN! This Rhinebeck was all about the babies and the strollers and the pregnant chicks. I’m sure I’m not the only one that noticed. Every five seconds I saw another pregnant lady whose belly was bigger than mine. In fact, the first thing I said to Sarah was NO FAIR! Look how cute your belly is!

Wonder Blog Fetus Twins ACTIVATE!

(Picture borrowed from Sarah’s blog.)
In case you’ve been living in a cave, Sarah and I are both pregnant. She’s actually due two days before me (her baby’s due on Good Friday and my baby’s due on Easter. This Jew girl married to a Greek Orthodox finds that super funny!) which means we might as well be due the same second in gestational time. We’ve had eerily parallel pregnancies – complete with puking at 18 weeks (although Sarah, I’m really sorry to tell you that I’ve now gone two days with no pukage. I’m not calling it a trend. Three days is a trend. Two is just a happy coincidence.) and it’s really wonderful to have someone, out there in the world, who COMPLETELY UNDERSTANDS. Not understands because they went through it a million years ago – but completely understands because they’re doing it RIGHT NOW with you! [ETA: No offense to every woman who’s ever had a baby before me – I know you know how I feel. But how cool is it to have someone going through it with you NOW? Right now!] It was so great to hang out and compare notes and I love that if we both end up at Rhinebeck next year we can take the same picture with our babies on the OUTSIDE. How cool is that? Thank you Sarah. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate the fact that you’re still throwing up.

Anyway, back to the bellies. My belly isn’t actually that small. And I kind of popped a little bit the other day. It’s just that the boobs are so freaking huge they overshadow the belly. I like to say I’ve reached B Porn Star Fetish Status. I asked Ann if she thought my belly would ever over take the boobage and she told me yeah. The day before you go into labor.

To all of those ladies suffering boob envy – trust me on this: they are SO overrated.

Today I read a gossip site that had Halle Berry saying that despite the fact that she’s had some morning sickness, etc she’ll take it all happily because she’s JUST SO THRILLED TO BE PREGNANT!

You know what? I’m beyond thrilled to be pregnant. We started trying to have a baby in August 2002 – through fits and starts it only took us five years to get where we are now. BUT I am not happy about puking every day (STILL! I’m now SIXTEEN weeks pregnant.) I’m not happy about my incontinence issues. I’m not happy about the heartburn that kicked in full force over the weekend. I’m not happy about any of this pregnancy crap – except, of course, the baby that’s growing inside of me. I’m sick of people telling me that the puking is for a good cause. Blah blah blah blah. I can tell you with full certainty that when my head is in the toilet and I’m trying to catch my breath so the puke doesn’t come shooting out of my nose my baby is THE LAST thing on my mind. I’m not thinking that this is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m thinking please god MAKE IT STOP! As much as I’m used to it by now (it’s been 10 weeks already) I will never be used to it. Alright – enough puke talk. One more thing though – my god – my nipples ITCH so bad I can hardly stand it!

What I really want to talk about today has to do with my fertility treatments. I told you before that we did a frozen embryo transfer to get pregnant. That means that sometime before hand I did a fresh IVF cycle in order to have embryos to freeze. When you do a regular (fresh) IVF cycle there are usually lots of shots involved – but most of those shots are subcutaneous – which means the needle only has to go just under the skin. The needles are generally insulin type needles – short – painless – quick – and you can pretty much do them anywhere. When I was doing my fresh cycle I gave myself the shots in my belly every day. They were really NOTHING. Barely felt them and once you get over the initial shock of sticking yourself, it really is NO BIG DEAL.

Once you get to the later half of the cycle though, you need to start shooting yourself with the big guns – i.e. INTRAMUSCULAR shots. These babies are HUGE! It’s a 1.5 inch needle and it’s so long because it has to go into your MUSCLE. Most people take these shots in the ass, which sometimes means you have to have someone ELSE give you the shot. That’s what I opted for – I’m not that twisty.

For the frozen embryo transfer – things are much easier. I took oral estrogen for a couple of weeks before they transferred the embryos, and about five days before the transfer, I started my Progesterone In Oil shots.

Because the progesterone is in oil, it can be difficult to draw into the needle, as well as inject it. I had all kinds of rituals for the shot. I want to remember it all so I’m telling you. First, I would switch out the 22.5 gauge tip with a much larger 18 gauge tip. I would swab the top of the vial, stick the needle in and draw out my medicine. Then, I’d switch back to the 22.5 gauge tip (you want to inject yourself with the thinnest tip possible) put the cap back on the syringe and stick it under my boob to warm up the medicine. Since I EASILY pass the pencil test, this was the best way I could think of to warm up the oil so it would inject easily. While it was warming, I heated up my hot pad so it was ready for my butt after the shot. Then I’d call Georgie and tell him I was ready. My husband has come through for me in so many ways I can’t even tell you – but the shots are up there with the biggest of big feats. He hates all things needle and doctor and hospital but he gave me my shot EVERY SINGLE NIGHT for two months. EVERY NIGHT. The shots go in the upper outer quadrant of your buttocks and they tell you to alternate sides so that you don’t get too banged up. After the shot, I would massage the area to break up the oil under the skin so I didn’t get too many lumps (the oil can coagulate under the skin), and then I’d go lay down in bed with my heating pad.

The best part? I got pregnant. Which meant I got to continue my shots every day until I was ELEVEN weeks pregnant. If you don’t get pregnant, you get to stop the shots as soon as you get a negative test. The shots, in the end, weren’t so bad, but once we hit a nerve and I lost all feeling in my ass. Then I started having reactions to the band aids and it was like I had a bee sting that itched SO BAD and I got welts and we’d have to stick to one side for a few shots until the other side healed. I won’t mention the bruising. My ass is still numb. On both sides. It’s like I got shot up with Novocaine and it’s been wearing off for three months. Would I do things differently? Of course not. I’ve got a baby growing inside of me. But let me tell you I BITCHED about those shots. I hated the shots. Georgie and I were never so happy as the last night we did those shots.

For a long time I thought about the post I’d write and the picture I’d take of those many many vials. Now, at least, I can throw them out. If I ever get a tattoo, I think I might put it right on the spot where I got those shots. It’ll probably still be numb.

Lest I sound bitter, I’m going to end this post on a happy note with lots of pictures. As many of you know, I’m a photographer specializing in children’s portraits. You could say this is ironic, because I started my business while I was trying to get pregnant – talk about torture. While I have had moments of intense jealousy when hearing about someone else’s baby – I’ve never felt that way about any of my clients. I love all the kids I photograph. They’re all beautiful and fun and special and every shoot is different because every kid is different. I’m lucky that most of my clients return year after year. I get to watch these kids grow up!

One of my favorite subjects is a newly born baby. It’s rare I get to photograph a NEW born – usually the youngest I get them is about six weeks – and by that time they’ve already settled into their skin. A couple weeks ago, I was lucky enough to photograph my good friend’s newborn – he was about nine days old – and she’s graciously allowed me to share some of their photographs here.

As I was developing these photographs, I was struck by just how NEW this baby seems. Right out of the womb. He doesn’t even fit into his skin yet. (Please click to see them big – I just love baby pores!) I stopped often to touch my belly and urge my baby to make itself known to me. We’re together all day long – I’m anxious to feel s/he in a way that doesn’t have to do with my digestive tract. C’mon baby! Nothing – not one thing I have ever done – has ever been more worth it.

L, C

Yesterday wasn’t the best day. I puked twice in the morning, and one time, while I made it to the bathroom, I didn’t actually make the toilet. FUN TIMES! Have I mentioned too that 9 times out of 10 when I’m puking I end up peeing my pants as well? Talk about adding insult to injury! I had an appointment in the afternoon and after the morning’s gymnastics and the appointment it was all I could do to come home, eat some lunch that ultimately made me nauseated and climb into bed. Poor G. He comes home from work everyday to find me prostrate in the bedroom, lights out, moaning in misery. I’m such a catch!

I’ll tell you what’s making me feel better though! All these GORGEOUS BABIES on the knit blogs! Just seeing these babies lifts my heart and makes the puking bearable. Also, does anyone see a proliferation of girls in the knitblog world? Does this mean I’m having a boy? You know how I like to buck the trend. [Disclaimer: If I did not link to your beautiful baby, it in no way means I don’t think your baby’s beautiful. All babies are heart-stoppingly gorgeous. Trust me. I photograph them for a living, so I know. I just didn’t see your baby in the last 24 hrs so I didn’t remember to link to you. Please forgive me.]

Last night, while I was laying in bed, moaning and miserable, I watched this show on the National Geographic Channel called IN THE WOMB. I’m sorry, but the idea that you can take two cells and create a fully functioning human being is just INSANE! It defies all rationality as far as I’m concerned. The pictures are absolutely amazing, even though some of them are computer generated – but still. And they talked about the test I just had which was very cool. I have to admit I kind of fell asleep once they moved beyond the second trimester and then opened my eyes to see the nice and graphic birth scenes. HELLO! I’m not ready to think about getting the baby OUT! I just spent a million years trying to get the baby IN!

The whole miracle of birth thing really makes me understand the religious. It’s just so far out there that you almost have to give it up to a higher power in order to comprehend the enormity of it all. Me, I just try not to think about it so much because it makes me nervous. In the same way looking out at the sky and the stars sometimes makes me nervous. I mean, look out there! How could we possibly be the ONLY people in the universe? And then, when you think about how ridiculously LARGE the universe is, how can we even EXIST at all? GRAVITY? That’s what’s keeping us on the planet? CRAZINESS! See what I mean? It’s times like those that I have to watch The Nanny or something equally inane. Balances everything out.

I have to tell you, the first time we heard the baby’s heartbeat – at SIX WEEKS! – I was of course completely overwhelmed with emotion. It was the first time we saw the baby and it was all just so new and I was on tons of hormones and well, I don’t think I need to explain. About an hour later I was stopped in my tracks by the fact that OH MY GOD! There’s a heart being inside of me. SOMEONE ELSE’S HEART! It was a total Edgar Allen Poe moment and I have to admit for a few minutes I was like GET IT OUT! It really is so weird to think that there’s this other person inside of me. I’m not sure I’ll ever get truly used to it.

I found out yesterday, from watching the show, that my baby can now hear. Mostly my stomach gurglings and burps and stuff – but probably also my puking which made me kind of sad. But just in case, I sang two songs before I went to sleep last night. The show said they’ve found that if babies hear the same song over and over in the womb, they’ll recognize it when they are born. I had this sweet fantasy of singing the songs to the baby right after s/he’s born and this light of recognition coming over his or her face. There’s my mama, singing that song I know so well. I’m going to try to sing it every night before I fall asleep.

Thanks to all of you for sticking around without the knitting. I actually made a swatch before I went to my sister’s but then her baby got sick, and I got the cold, and the puking continued and there’s been no knitting. I’m behind in everything – work, the house is a disaster!, and I have about a million prizes to tell you about for Spin Out. I have high hopes for today. Wish me luck.

And now, the most self-serving sentence I’ve ever posted: My wonderful friends Vicki and Ann are hosting a virtual baby shower for me. Apparently there are games and fun and treats, but I wouldn’t really know because it’s all being kept a big secret from me. My “friends” think the puking isn’t enough so they’re hoping to torture me for the whole crazy ride. If you’d like to torture me too, you can contact Vicki over at her blog. PLEASE, do not feel you need to knit for me or my baby. The honest to god truth is that when push comes to shove, I wouldn’t knit for you or your baby. But maybe you’d like the opportunity to talk about me behind my back. Knock yourself out! 😉

PS – I puked during the writing of this blog post. At least today I made it in the bowl.

We had a nice visit with our boo boo this morning! Georgie really got a treat because when the tech was doing all the photographs the screen was turned away from me, so I couldn’t see the baby’s gymnastics, but G could. It was enough, though, to watch his face as he watched our baby on the screen. Being that he’s the youngest in his family (his next sibling is 7 yrs older than him), he hasn’t had much experience with babies. It’s really been such a treat to see him react with all of this. Much more than I ever thought it would be. When the doctor came in to go over stuff with us, I got to see the baby. S/he did us proud by completely flipping over while we watched! Already stealing the show!

So today we had our Integrated Screen test, which is a first trimester screening for genetic anomalies like Down Syndrome and Trisomy 18. (You can read more about the testing here.) The doctor said everything looked great and the baby is measuring right on. We won’t get the full results of the test for a little bit – there’s a blood test involved as well – but I’m not really that worried.

This whole testing thing is kind of funny for us. I am what they term “advanced maternal age.” I am 37 and, if all goes as planned, will be 38 when the baby is born. BUT (and it’s a HUGE but) I was 34 when the baby was actually conceived. AH HA! How’s that for magic? I will explain.

Three years ago next month, we did our first (and so far only) fresh IVF cycle. This means that I gave myself lots of fun shots to make lots of eggs grow and then they harvested those eggs and fertilized the good ones. After all was said and done we had nine growing embryos. Very nice! We went into the clinic five days after retrieval to have two of them transferred back and promptly panicked. In what I now know was the absolute RIGHT thing for us, we opted NOT to transfer any embryos and they were able to freeze five. It took me two very long TORTURED years to get over that and here I am just about three years later.

This summer, we went back to the clinic, thawed two of those five embryos, and transferred them. One stuck and now we have BOO BOO! YAY!

* ETA: What we did is called a Frozen Embryo Transfer and it’s actually a TON easier than a fresh IVF cycle. I only had to take estrogen (orally) for the first couple of weeks – no shots – and then only had to go in for blood checks twice before the transfer. Then I had to do progesterone in oil shots for 11 weeks, but that’s a whole other story. This is in comparison to the fresh IVF, where you do lots and lots of shots and go into the clinic almost everyday for blood work and monitoring. There is a risk, though, that the embryos might not survive the thaw. And, usually, the best embryos are transferred on a fresh cycle, so the ones that are frozen might not be the best quality. But my doctor told me that they are making so many advances in thawing embryos that he will only put back two frozen – instead of maybe three or four in the “old” days (read – a couple of years ago). They started getting incredible results with FET cycles where ALL stuck and the goal of a fertility clinic is NOT multiple births. It’s one healthy baby and mother.

Back to how old I am. All of the warnings and alarms start to go off in the fertility world when you turn 35. Amnio, CVS, genetic testing – it doesn’t have to do with my body’s physical age, it has to do with the age of my eggs. And I have YOUNG eggs! So even though I’m an old bag already (not true, not true – I’ve actually never felt younger. It’s amazing what having a baby can do for you!) my baby up there is from young stock. Does this mean I have to do all those scary tests? We’re taking a wait and see attitude. If this first trimester screening comes back within all the “normal” ranges and our next blood test at 16 weeks also comes back normal, I think we may just skip that amnio. And honestly, I’d only want to have the test to be prepared for what’s to come. Sure, I don’t care to find out the sex or worry about decorating a nursery (basically because I’m going to hire Julie Fricknits to do it!) or all that planning, but when it comes to the health and welfare of my child and my family I think you can’t have TOO much information.

Anyway, it just tickles me so that I’ve been able to travel back in time a bit. The best part too is that if we try for another one, we’ve still got three totsicles. I may be pushing (gasp!) 40 – but my eggs will STILL be 34! HOORAY FOR SCIENCE!!!!

* ETA again: I wanted to add that I see NOTHING wrong with having babies after 35. QUITE the contrary. My sister was born when my mom was 38. I’m pretty sure my mother in law was over 35 when she had my husband. We didn’t plan to wait three years after our IVF and we didn’t plan to use frozen embryos. Not at all. It’s just the way it worked out for us, and I think that it’s kind of incredible that the technology exists for things like this. Also, the truth is that while millions and millions of women go on to have healthy babies after the age of 35, the genetic risks do increase. Trust me – I know just how fortunate I am to be carrying a baby at all, regardless of my age.

PS – I’m still puking everyday, but my doctor and I agreed that it’s not enough to hurt me or the baby. So we’re waiting it out. The cold can’t be helping either. I’ve gained at least a pound, which my OB says is plenty and the baby is doing great. Sure, I’m still a bit miserable, but I’m tough. I can handle it. Besides, I’ve kind of got it down to a science. I wake up. Have my breakfast. Throw it up and get on with my day. That’s not TOO bad, right? Apparently I’ve still got about five more days of the dreaded first trimester, so hopefully this will all be over by SPIN OUT! Cross your fingers for me!

should be on or about March 23, 2008.

We’re ecstatic, our families are ecstatic and baby is doing great. I, on the other hand, have puked more in the last two months than I have in 37 years. WHOO HOO!

Have a great Labor Day or Monday, wherever you are!
Thank you!
Love,
C, G & B