I have found my super power. I am The Human Pacifier.
About a week ago, Meli decided to give up her pacifier – the plastic one. Now many of you, especially the ones with teenagers who went off to college with their pacifiers tied around their necks at the ready, will think I’m extremely lucky that she seems to have given it up on her own. And I would be if she were say two. But she’s only eight months old and her need to suck is strong. She she sucks on me. A lot.
It used to be that whenever she went to sleep – for the night or for naps – we’d lay down and nurse and then when it was clear that she was asleep and only comfort sucking, I’d switch out the boob for the paci. She’d sleep pretty much through the night, maybe waking up once or twice to nurse for a short while and a lot of the time if I stuck the paci back in her mouth she was good to go. And she’d nap well too – maybe I’d have to go in and give her a cuddle and the pacifier, but I’d usually get a good hour or so.
No more. Now she wants to nurse and nurse and nurse and if I try to slip my boob out she literally clutches at it in her sleep and stuffs it in her mouth. Her desperation is simultaneously melt your heart and a bit scary. It takes forever to leave her for naps and when she finally does fall asleep, she’s up in like fifteen/twenty minutes still wanting to sleep but needing to nurse/suck all over again.
I can’t get anything done. That’s why I’m writing this at 2:30 in the morning. I’m up working. This is my most stressful month of the year and I have two more weekends of shooting and probably another month of processing and designing before I’m done for the holidays and man I’m already exhausted. I’m not complaining, per se. I’m happy to have work to do and I’m loving my baby more and more every second (if that’s even possible!) I just wish she’d go back to her pacifier.
Of course, the main problem is that in my exhaustion I’m questioning all of my parenting choices. I shouldn’t have let her sleep with us. I should’ve done some kind of sleep training thing so that she’d fall asleep on her own. In her crib. Deep down I’m happy she’s with us. I LOVE nursing and I’d miss her so much and I know Georgie loves having her with us. This is the right choice for us and if I wasn’t so busy it wouldn’t matter. But I am and it’s hard and doubt is easy.
She’s so much fun these days, I wish you could hang with her. Sometimes I’m sad that I’m the only one that really sees all her nuances and funny personality traits. By the time G gets home from work she’s sick of me and desperate for him (their love affair is precious!) and she’s also ready for the day to end and she doesn’t do her little laugh when I pretend to hiccup. Or when she burps and I say excuse you in a really exaggerated voice. Or when we lay face to face and look each other in the eyes and I just can’t believe she’s mine. I’m sad for G and all of you that you don’t get to share, but also I’m so so lucky that I get to be her mom. That’s my true super power.
I have to get back to work. Thanks for the chat.
PS – When I was growing up we sang The Inky Dinky spider. Most of the books and my sister’s kids all say The Itsy Bitsy Spider. But the class we’re going to sings The Eensy Weensy Spider. I just found it interesting is all. I’m not singing to Meli at 4 AM, but the thoughts do pop in.
PPS – The winners of last week’s contest were Lisa (grand prize) and Caitlin (sock yarn)! CONGRATULATIONS!!
