Believe it or not (and I don’t know how you could because I hardly can!) my baby girl turned six months old yesterday. Six months. Half a year. I never knew time could go by so quickly. It’s kind of sad that the universe’s ultimate irony is that the time you’d like to go in slow motion whizzes by while the time you want to go fast (like waiting to find out if your husband’s body is clear of cancer) drags on interminably.
I don’t want to be all melancholy at my daughter’s progress, because her growing up and learning new things is very definitely progress, but milestones make me reflect and a six month birthday seems like a really big milestone. She’s doing so many more things – she can sit up for a decently long time now, she rolls over both ways (belly to back and the much harder back to belly), she grabs everything in sight, she babbles all the time (“Meli, what does a sheep say?” “Ba ba ba!” “HOW DOES SHE KNOW THAT?” said my five year old niece. My sister and I laughed our asses off at our very lucky timing! My baby’s a GENIUS!), she smiles and sort of laughs (never again repeating the belly laughs of a month ago), she’s just an absolute joy! She’s also much harder to care fo, staying awake for longer and longer periods during the day and demanding constant entertainment when she is awake. She gets bored really easily. And man can she get angry! Add to all of this my increasingly busy work schedule and I’m tired.
Really, really tired.
More tired than I ever was when she was first born.
It’s okay though and I’m not here to complain because even the moments I hate I love and being a mother has brought me more satisfaction and contentment in the last six months than anything I’ve ever done.
I’ll tell you why I’m here: I’m here to write. We’re still walking as much as we can (today we’re going for five days in a row) and increasingly my mind wanders on my walks and I find myself writing. I’ve missed the blog so much lately and I finally realize why! I miss the WRITING. When I was updating the blog on a fairly daily basis, every day I’d sit down and write. Maybe it was something silly, or pseudo-important, more often than not my catalyst was knitting (which I’m still doing – or was doing – ugh. I miss that too!) but it didn’t matter how I got started, the end result was the same. I WROTE SOMETHING. Anything. And I understand now that it satisfied me in ways that motherhood, wifehood, friendhood, sisterhood, knitting-hood, can’t ever really come close. It’s a different kind of satisfaction, and not something I can fully explain.
Long ago, in another lifetime it seems, I was in school for creative writing. Fiction to be exact. This adventure with the written word was truly the culmination of a lifelong dream. I always wanted to write. Always. It’s what I’m best at, really. It’s the hardest thing ever (next to motherhood – I can say that now with a little bit of authority) and just about the most satisfying when done right. I was lucky enough in my short career to have my work published and recognized and then I started trying to get pregnant and it was like all my creative energies went towards procreating instead of writing. I didn’t have any room left in my heart or my head to keep writing fiction (every character was trying to get pregnant. Talk about a rut.) I started the blog right after our failed IVF attempt and it saved me. Knitting saved me. Writing about knitting saved me. And then I found my blog voice. I so enjoyed it! I think I was funny – maybe even a little insightful – and people started reading the blog – lots of people and that just made the whole thing all the more fun! (I don’t care who you are – writers may write for themselves, but they all want to be read.)
Anyway, this is all just diarrhea of the word and the brain and I feel like this post has been coming for a very long time. I want to write again. On a regular basis. Whether it’s the blog or something else, I don’t know and I don’t care. I’d love it to be both the blog AND something else. I’m not saying I’m going to be blogging every day or anything like that – I’m making no promises to myself or to the blog. There are very distinct priorities in my life: baby, family, work. Everything else is icing on the cake. But I wanted to put it down that this is what I miss. This is what I want. Somehow, some time, I’m going to make it all work.
Happy 6 mos. Miss Meli!
My oldest son did the belly laugh thing too when he was about 4 months, for my parents no less! Hubby and I were out Christmas shopping I think, so we missed it. And we never got him to repeat it for us until he was much older.
I write as well, and I noticed that when I’m “cooking” a kid, I can’t write. It’s like all my mental energy is focused on creating the life inside me. I have nothing left to create “life” on paper. But it does come back. I’ve started to write again too (DS the Youngest is 7 mos. today!)
So, I know you are well on your way Cara. Your creative consciousness is ready to create life again on paper. Happy writing! 🙂
I certainly have always enjoyed your knitting and do miss seeing what you are working on, but in the end, it has always been your writing that brings me back. I hope you will use the blog as your vehicle to put the word down on the page.
I certainly have always enjoyed your knitting and do miss seeing what you are working on, but in the end, it has always been your writing that brings me back. I hope you will use the blog as your vehicle to put the word down on the page.
I hope that you will begin to write more (and I hope that you will write more on your blog..I love reading about what you are up to!).
I find your thoughts on motherhood have been so interesting and really have brought me back to when my kids were little. I hope that you will find, as I did, that as your little one grows, your horizons will continue to expand as well. It’s so hard in the beginning when you are first getting to know one another…now that you and Meli are better acquainted, you may find it easier to incorporate parts of your “pre-Meli” life. It’s never easy whether you are a full time stay-at-home mom or a working mom or somewhere in between. But, I have found, at least for me, that as my children’s horizons grew it was ok for mine to expand as well.
I have loved every stage that my children have gone through (though they are not all easy) and now I am facing the fact that my “baby” is becoming a teen this week. It goes by fast!!
I always laugh when people say the first 2 months are the hardest,f or us it was from 3.5 months old until about 6 months that was super super hard with sleep issues etc. Now at 1 year it is great, but I’m not allowed to walk more then 2 feet away where when she was a little thing she didn’t notice as much when I walked away or maybe it was just easier to carry her and do stuff at the same time.
I don’t think it ever gets easier, it just changes. I don’t mind any of the difficulties at all. The next day is always fresh.
I loved what you said. Through the “back door” I found out the same thing about writing. I am not able to visit my very elderly parents regularly so I began to write to them. My ramblings on paper for them to read and to get to know me. My opportunity to let them know how I feel about them through my thoughts during the day…now put on paper. I told myself that the written word, i.e. letters, was a lost art. Long story short: My parents read and reread my letters. I started writing once per week, then twice per week, now three times per week. Why? Because the writing has turned out to be one of the most fulfilling things I do during the day. I tried to journal for years and it never stuck. But writing when someone is going to read it and “cherish” it is a fantastic feeling.
We have missed you and your writing. And yes, someday you will make it all work. As a single working mom of two I know how hard it is, but you have to find that time for yourself so you can write, knit, take a bubble bath, breathe. It takes a while, but you will find the time and you will make it all work – mom’s are amazing people and you are certainly one of us now.
I also came for the knitting but stay for the writing – in fact I went back and read your “100+ things about me” and know what – you mention your writing and how sad it would be for it to go away TWICE. uh . . um . . you probably need to update that too – so there’s some more writing to do!
I am another one who found you through knitting and stayed for your writing style and thoughtful insight. I miss you when you’re too busy to blog, but writing is something you have to do for you, not for your readers (although, like you say, we all want it to be read). With a gorgeous girl like Meli around, I’m surprised you can find time to think of anything else!
Good luck!
Just wait until YOU’RE the one saying, legitimately, “How does she know that?!?” It will happen. Soon. One day, you’ll be just hanging out, and you’ll hear her identify something or someone or a process or an abstract idea, and it will FREAK YOU OUT. No joke. (But it’s so much fun!)
Positive vibes to G and you guys. Meli’s a wonderful little girl! I love hearing about her!
You will find what works for you. Whether it is a paragraph scribbled in a notebook, or a two sentence blog entry. Meli is getting more and more independent with the demanding part. My ‘baby’ is 11 and a half, and in times of transition, they do tend to get rather demanding.
Dude, its great to hear from you.
speaking only for myself, i have missed having something from you to read on a somewhat regular basis. i didn’t care what you were writing about; i truly enjoyed reading it. every time you’ve posted since miss meli’s arrival has been a welcome gift.
i agree that being a mother is most fantastic. childhood goes by quickly (at least, my children’s childhoods did. i don’t recall that my own did.) enjoy everything about your daughter. (i do admit to envy when it comes to the photos you will have of her growing up years.)
great post and so well expressed. I think a lot of us can nod our heads in agreement. The blog world has done so much for us. I know you will find a balance and make it all work out. Cudos on motherhood, there’s nothing in this world like it. The joys, the pains,the growth,it’s a satisfaction that nothing else can compare it.
I am so glad that you have discovered that writing is one of the things you miss and that makes you feel more complete. I enjoy reading your blog and hearing more about what is going on with you. You are an wonderful writer and I believe you have many things you can share. I look forward to hearing more from you!
Yeah, it’s important to have time for you! And it does get harder… each age and stage has its special joys and special challenges. So enjoy them all. I remember days that dragged on forever, and then the next thing you know, years flew by. Here’s one of my favorite words: logorrhea, or diarrhea of the mouth (only because you brought it up…). Happy six month birthday, little girl!
HAPPY SIX MONTHS MELI AND MOMMA!!!
Happy six months!
I can’t believe it’s already been that long! I feel like I just found out you were pregnant a few weeks ago…
Happy six months!
I can’t believe it’s already been that long! I feel like I just found out you were pregnant a few weeks ago…
Your explanation of how writing satisfies a deep itch is very well done. I felt the same way when I started my blog — I don’t care if anyone reads it. I just needed to get all those words running around my head out there so I don’t go (too) crazy. I’m looking forward to the posts from you, as always.
Sure does fly . . . and it takes about 18 months to get back in the swing of things. Glad to hear from you!
Hi Cara. Once again, I could have written this post. In fact, I probably will one of these days (3 more weeks and Moria will be 6 months old too). Just keep writing in whatever form you want and we will keep reading it.