My Little Pony*

I didn’t knit a stitch yesterday so here’s some other crap. Oh yeah, and the bed arrived, no problems, and it’s fabulous!

Do you get catalogues? We do. A lot. Although not as many as we used to. I’m not sure why, but we still get all the usual suspects. Pottery Barn. Eddie Bauer. J. Crew. The one about feet. Grill Lovers. Hammecher Schlemmer. We also get a bunch of kids ones – clothes, toys – you know, I’ve bought some gifts over the years for the babies so I’m on the list. Well, yesterday, we got the FAO Schwartz catalogue. I usually love this one with it’s over the top presents and BIG atmosphere. I mean, c’mon! Who doesn’t need a life size teddy bear to scare the crap out of you while you’re sleeping?!

So, I’m flipping through and on the first page I see this:

And I’m thinking, WOW! They’re really doing lifelike stuff with those stuffed animals these days and THEN I READ THE INFORMATON AND IT’S A REAL FUCKING PONY!?!?!?!?!?

Exclusive

Miniature Pony
$15,000.00

Imagine your very own precious pony. FAO Schwarz brings that dream within reach. This miniature purebred makes a perfect companion for young horse lovers. This full-grown pony has a buckskin coat and a soft thick mane and arrives ready to be ridden with a monogrammed FAO Schwarz halter and lead, and a Western saddle. Your pony is escorted home by a specialist who is there to offer complete information on caring for a new horse.

Please call the Division of Local Government for your county to check out any specific regulations. Owing to the size and nature of these ponies (under 36 inches and used solely as pets), they should be considered domestic animals rather than farm animals. The pony comes complete with current health papers stating which vaccinations were given. The pony will need a small outdoor area with protection from the elements and enough room for daily exercise.

Call 1-800-426-8697 to discuss the details of this special purchase with a Personal Shopper.

My favorite part? Well, that would have to be the part where (in the catalog – it’s not online) it says “Ages 3-6. Maximum weight limit of rider is 50 lbs.” So what happens when your daughter (or son – why should ponies be limited to girls?) turns 7, you take the thing out back and shoot it? I mean it’s not like a puppy, or is it?

* NOT to be confused with the Pukey Pony. Or should it?

So after I got over my initial shock, I kept flipping through the catalog. Here are a couple of other goodies I found:

Junior Off-Roader Ride-on Car (Gas Powered)
$30,000

Driving the gasoline-powered Junior Off-Roader is a perfect way to acquire early experience at the wheel. The Off-Roader features an all-weather fiberglass body with a protective frame, rack-and-pinion steering, dual hydraulic disk brakes, a manual emergency brake, rubber tires, and full front and rear suspension. The vehicle comes equipped with a a three-speed transmission, and tops out at 30 mph. It also has a removable, fully functional radio and tape deck, and speakers on the side doors. Your young driver will be comfortable cruising around in the adjustable upholstered leather seats. 90″ x 53″ x 60″. This item is a Special Order item. Please refer to expected delivery shown below. This product is recommended for ages 7 to 15 years.

15 Years. That way they’ve got LOTS of practice before you buy them that real jeep!

How about this? Your little girl isn’t satisfied with sleeping bags and popcorn and scary movies for her birthday sleepover? How about a night at FAO Schwartz, replete with weirdo ice cream guy?

For One Special Night, The Store Is All Yours

Imagine having the entire FAO Schwarz store all to yourself, all night long. Your child and 15 friends will indulge in an all-night party that includes a spectacular birthday celebration in the FAO Schweetz Ice Cream Parlor, lessons on the Dance-On Piano, rides on the 3-D motion simulator, and hours of games and activities throughout the store. The guests sleep in sleeping bags in the Rec Room so they are never far away from the fun. This special event ends in the morning with a continental breakfast and goody bags. Ages 6 and up. Starting at $25,000.

Ooh. A continental breakfast! What happened to Cheerios?

After the pony though, this one’s my favorite:

Grand Victorian Mansion
$18,900.00

This enchanting play home is straight out of a fairy tale. The outside is picture perfect, including a wraparound porch, a stained glass window, window boxes, a skylight, and doorbell and brass doorknocker. The interior is decorated with a bay window with window seat, sponge-painted walls, simulated hardwood floors, fireplace mantel and an upstairs loft accessed by a ladder. This Victorian is truly grand indeed. Assembly required.

I don’t know what’s scarier – the idea of an $18K playhouse, or the photograph which looks like it could’ve been staged by wackos Pitt and Jolie. I mean, do those kids look like fun is in their vocabulary?

I’d like to think that even if the tv wasn’t on in the background with people devastated by Hurricane Katrina I would still be appalled by the excess of this catalog. I feel like it should’ve come in brown paper packaging – it’s that obscene. The saddest part – there are (a few, I hope) kids in this world that think they DESERVE “toys” like this. Not just want, but deserve. Entitlement starts young these days. ETA: I don’t blame the kids. I don’t. Because the honest to goodness truth is that a kid is happy with the damn box the toy came in. Entitlement is a LEARNED behavior. Someone had to teach them.

As a stark contrast to the decadence above, I leave you the lyrics to one of my favorite Springsteen songs. I had forgotten about it until last night, when the track popped up on our CD player. Honestly, I can’t believe it hasn’t been THE soundtrack to the horrors of Katrina. Generally I’m in tears hearing it, but last night I was positively distraught. The song really needs to be heard – it’s melody is hauntingly beautiful and positively infused pain. But oh so hopeful too.

My City of Ruins

There is a blood red circle
On the cold dark ground
And the rain is falling down
The church door’s thrown open
I can hear the organ’s song
But the congregation’s gone
My city of ruins
My city of ruins

Now the sweet bells of mercy
Drift through the evening tr
ees
Young men on the corner
Like scattered leaves,
The boarded up windows,
The empty streets
While my brother’s down on his knees
My city of ruins
My city of ruins

Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!
Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!
Come on, rise up! Come on, rise up!

Now’s there’s tears on the pillow
Darlin’ where we slept
And you took my heart when you left
Without your sweet kiss
My soul is lost, my friend
Tell me how do I begin again?
My city’s in ruins
My city’s in ruins

Now with these hands,
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray Lord
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray for the strength, Lord
With these hands,
With these hands,
I pray for the faith, Lord
We pray for your love, Lord
We pray for the lost, Lord
We pray for this world, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord
We pray for the strength, Lord

Come on
Come on
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up
Come on, rise up

Copyright © Bruce Springsteen (ASCAP)