Since I haven’t been able to fix the hole in my sanity, I decided, as a diversion, I’d fix the hole in the pinwheel blanket.
Remember this?
It’s the baby blanket I made for my nephew, who’s now, oh I don’t know, FOUR MONTHS OLD! Have his gentle fingers ever touched the blanket? NO. Has he ever been wrapped in the love I infused it with when I made it? NO. It has sat in my den, lonely and unloved, because of this:
Time to fix this bad boy. First, I ripped back the bound off edge just past the holes.
Then, with the live stitches now secured on the needle, I started dropping stitches.
And then I picked them up, one by one.
Here are a couple close-ups of it finished:
It’s not the greatest fix in the world, and honestly, I don’t think Eli will care. I actually don’t really like the blanket. I mean, I like it – I like the pattern and I like the yarn – but not necessarily together. You know what I mean? If you’re looking for truly inspiring pinwheels, Larissa’s got a great gallery going on. I think, eventually, Eli will get another blanket. One I’m happy with.
Okay, well that didn’t take nearly enough time, LOL. Trying to get through the days here folks! I did cast on the front of Short Rows, I’ve got about eight more rows before the first set of short rows starts. And I’ve been enjoying The Diamond Fantasy Shawl. I’d highly recommend it to people starting out with lace. It calls for a sportweight yarn so you don’t have to fuss with lace weight and the charts are really nice to follow. I’ve only had one mistake (knock wood) so far and it was because I threw in an extra yarn over.
Don’t Believe the HYPE!
That concludes the knitting portion of today’s post, so you can leave now if you don’t feel like hearing about my misery. That’s right – I’m STILL MISERABLE! I’ve gotten some nice emails from you good folks thanking me for sharing this part of my life, so I feel like why not?
Here’s a little bit of the problem – imagine you’re standing on a high ledge (doesn’t even have to be that high) and you’re looking over the side. What’s the first thought that comes to your mind? What if I fall over? Or what if I were to jump off? I’m sure everyone has thoughts like this – it’s the situation – the thought comes in and goes out and bang you move on to the outfit the woman to the right is wearing (what is she CRAZY?!) What I do is think those same normal thoughts – but somewhere inside a twist happens and the next thing I know I’m wondering if I WANT to jump off. Or WHAT IF I lost control and jumped off? Then I’m thinking what the hell is wrong with me and then I CAN’T STOP thinking and the next thing I know I’m in a panic attack. And then I can’t get out of my head. The thoughts just go over and over themselves and no amount of rationalizing (They’re just THOUGHTS! They don’t MEAN anything!) can help. Eventually I can get out of my head – but that’s where the anticipatory anxiety rears it’s ugly head. Those niggling little thoughts like – you don’t have the thoughts now, but WHAT IF they come back? Ooooh. They would be BAD. So you worry so much that the thoughts will come that, DUH, they DO come back.
This weekend I played 5,301 hands of solitaire. Trying to get out of my FUCKING head. Thoughts on high balconies are nothing – try adding in some about your precious home life that brings you peace and security and that’ll really knock the wind out of you. DON’T BELIEVE THE HYPE!
I’m getting angry about the whole thing. I haven’t seen my shrink in over three weeks and I finally have an appointment tomorrow. I’m also not eating so well, which only perpetuates the whole cycle for me. I can’t eat when I’m anxious – I get really nauseous. Weight Watchers Schmeight Watchers. Try some crazy when you want to drop that last ten pounds.
I’d spin, but my body is so tense I don’t know what I’d do to the yarn. The kink could probably launch a space shuttle.
Please don’t leave me comments like feel better soon. I WILL get over this. I always do. I’m fighting to get my life back. It’s only a temporary situation. I KNOW this – it’s only when you’re in it that you think you’ll never get out. In reality, I do all the things I need to do during the day – I’m working, I’m living – if you saw me walking down the street you’d thing – wow – who’s that hot girl? (You know, because I’ve lost all this weight! 😉 ) I only blog about this to possibly help someone else. I’m past the pity stage, so don’t throw any this way.
I’m typing 1-handed w/baby, but had to tell you, this is my disease exactly. Not just a little similar. Exactly. After 2+ yrs of them calling it epilepsy! and treating as such. Now it is anxiety/ocd. Celexa eradicates it entirely, btw. I know meds are different for each person, but for me I have NO symptoms and very few side effects on Celexa. Works wonders over playing cards or trying to put little stop signs in your mind.
This is such a tough spot. While I have felt the same thing from time to time, it isn’t as strong as the feeling you describe. I’ve been able to turn to something complicated to get ‘out of my head’. It’s a viscious cycle and hopefully the therapist will help you break it. Sending good thoughts your way and it is just way cool that you are knitting.
The blanket looks pretty darn good, grrl!
Big hugs to you, grrlfriend.
Me too. Not sympathy….commiseration….compassion. At the point of wanting to put a sticky on my forehead here at work that says “I’m CRAZY…leave me alone” because I am wound so tight I could explode.
I get it. I’ve heard the “oh, hope you feel better…think happy thoughts!….pull yourself up by your bootstraps” shit often enough…Gee how helpful. Thanks so much.
Hope therapy is what it needs to be for you. Hope you are getting closer to the end of this cycle.
Thank you for posting on it…being honest. It means a lot to the rest of us who get it.
Lisa in Oregon
Thank you for posting this. You are an amazing woman and for the people who suffer from these symptoms you are setting an excellent example with your openness. It’s good for people to know that you can have this kind of thing going on and still be successful and talented.
I hope you kick some serious “bad thought” arse today. KaPOW!
BTW: Amazing patch job on the blanket! Yowzers – you’re a brave woman to rip all that back!
The fix on the baby blanket looks great. I’ve never really learned how to do that – drop stitches down that many rows so I’m impressed. I can do one row or possibly two but any more than that and I’m in over my head.
As for the other stuff, no pity, just impressed (again) at your ability to express those complex feelings with words.
I’m with you.
It’s the fact that it is all so irrational that upsets me the most. I KNOW that everyone in the bookstore is not staring at me. I KNOW that they don’t think I’m crazy even though I think I am. I KNOW that I’m not going to do something insane in public because I never have before. But last week on vacation, I left a bookstore in tears.
It’s been three years since I was diagnosed with panic with agoraphobia. Two different antidepressants, plus xanax, CBT, talk therapy, 12 weeks of family/medical leave. It sucks.
Just letting you know you’re not alone. I think writing about it does help. It helps me to know that I’m not the only one.
Cara, great job fixing Eli’s blankie. He’ll love it so much! You are Super Auntie. 🙂
And damn, you’re HOT!
Maybe we should start a new web ring: Knit Bloggers Who’ve Been Medicated for Psychiatric Illnesses. Really; there are probably more of us than you think. Mine is/was the Undertoad (what book was that from?), depression. It could have me by the ankle, pulling me underwater for months before I’d even realize it had me. It’s not nearly as bad now as it was years ago. And you’re right, “hope you feel better” doesn’t really help much. People just say that because they don’t know what to say, really.
And what percentage of those 5301 hands of solitaire did you win?
Cara, great fix! I don’t think that I’d know how to do it.
About that other stuff: we don’t have to worry about this being a cry for help, or anything like this, do we.
I love spinning because it helps me get out of my head when I get really stuck. Pardon the unsolicted advice, but perhaps you could get some practice wool that you don’t really care how it turns out and just give it a whorl. Maybe getting you body involved a bit would help quiet the mind and get you away from the edge.
wow, what a miraculous fix. i might be interested in lorette’s blog ring. 🙂
no pity. just love, and bad jokes, hugs, empathy, and virtual comfort food.
and that’s an amazing fix-up you did there.
Just delurking to say that my husband’s been there, too, and it sounds hokey but dooce’s blogging helped him so you never know who you might be reaching.
I like your pinwheel!
Spin away. You can’t hurt the wool. And sheep grow more.
It’s not pity, but I do feel the need to piss you off by uselessly chattering at you or something. So let’s do that real soon! I’ll be back in the city next Tuesday. I admire you for telling it like it is. Honesty is everything in this life. Usually not that much fun, though. (Seriously, I promise, no pep talks.)
But what I’m very concerned about as well is your attitude toward the blanket! It’s always been my favorite of the pinhweel gallery. I like that it’s white. I like that it’s so new and innocent looking, and nothing gets in the way of the spiral. It looks like it smells good, if you know what I mean. You really must get it to the baby, stat! xoxo Kay
Whoa…can’t believe it..when you were playing all that solitaire..I was playing just as much solitaire..to get out of my head..or make time pass til the anxiety provoking event was done. What is really strange is that the anxiety causing event (property sale) is done and I should be feeling good..but I’m still waking up with anxiety attacks; can’t sleep. Maybe we get so used to feeling anxious that we don’t even need anything to really feel anxious about..it just happens..and it’s so rotten..hating it. I’m so sorry it’s happening to you. I hope your shrink can say something that you can hang onto to ease your pain and help you prevent this feeling from starting up.
That is one awesome blanket fix. And pardon my inability to read anything properly lately, but I thought you might find it amusing that I read Lisa’s comment as “pick yourself up by your BOOBSTRAPS…”
I am an overwhelmed little person about to take a programming final, which means no spindle. And lemme tellya, I’d rather twirl the spindle than my weary head. So I hear you, I send hugs and I go back to my little panicky place under my desk with a pen and a failing program. 😉
First, MWAH! Second, Big Hyg (I mean, Hug). Third, you did a great job fixing the blanket and you’re so brave — in so many ways.
; )
I’m with you, Cara – don’t tell me it’ll be ok, I already know that…but it’s not NOW! Mine is driving a car into the tree, the truck next to me, the cement divider, through the red light, and on and on. I admire you for posting about it. I hope things go well with the doc and you are able to find a (another) good med that works. No sympathy here, is empathy ok?
If I can’t say I hope you feel better – what’s left?? man. I saw a show on pugs last night – all of these pug-crazy people have a big meet up in Central Park. I have two pugs, you have the crazy – we could each take one and go …..
If only we could reach into that HOLE and pick up those stitches and rework them.
It would all be so easy, wouldn’t it?
So, let’s review, shall we?
Why DID the chicken cross the road?
See here:
http://www.chickenjoke.com/
xoxo
I’ve been thinking of you lately — I’ve been having problems with my meds (based on the fact that my psychiatrist is a pill-pushing PSYCHO, but that’s another story…), and when I’ve been feeling insane/needy/weepy/falling to bits, I try to remember that there are smart, together, funny, wonderful people (that would be YOU) who are going through shit too, and maybe my depression/anxiety/whatever this is doesn’t make me look as much like a freak as I think it does. Maybe if talented people who have a psychiatric issue can find the loves of their romantic and professional lives, it means I don’t have to be Miss Chipper Perfection Incarnate to find those things too.
See, I didn’t send you pity at all. I made it all about me. 😉 Well, I didn’t mean to… What I meant to say is this: I’m sorry you feel crappy. There seems to be something going around. I’m hoping we all start feeling better together and soon.
Crazy is as crazy does. Larissa made the comment I would have made if she hadn’t. Strange to have the same experiences as others, comforting? Freaky? We’re all crazy….it’s only how we handle it that makes us different from one other. Picture your stop signs, go hurts some wool and ride it out babeeeee.
Mwah!
ps – I want to join Lorette’s ring too.
I am just totally in awe of your fix to the blankie…I would have tied it off or stitched it up in some half-assed sort of way…You continue to amaze. Keep fighting the demon and have a good week…good thoughts sent your way from here in Ohio 🙂
you know, it’s funny how you say you don’t like your pinwheel and that you link to the gallery for pinwheel inspiration, because YOUR PINWHEEL is one of the only ones that makes me actually WANT to make one! LOL! I LOVE yours!
When I was younger and maing long drives to LI, I would end up wondering what would happen if I veered off the road. My mind would go nuts picturing the accident, the details, the aftermath. Wierd, huh? Not sure why.
Yep! Me too!
OCD with Anxiety and Panic. WOOT WOOT!!
Walking, Yoga and Lexapro are all fabulous choices 😉
I’m glad your getting help. Nice knittin by the way :_)
Xanax.
It is circular, too – not eating really messes up your metabolism – and sleep stuff – which makes more anxiety. I hear you totally.
No pity. Just a hug and high five for the pinwheel fix.
C, I’m here if you want me. Been there too, sweets, as you know. Hang on and if you can’t, well, many of us have a firm grip on you. Love, jen
Have you heard the joke about the butter,
I better not tell you, you might spread it.
***
How do you get 150 old ladies to curse like a trooper?
Yell “BINGO”.
***
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, “I hate my mother-in-law.”
The other replies, “Well then, just eat your vegetables”
Thinking of you….
No advice, just empathy. I’ve been there too and my thoughts are with you.
Hi, I’m a blog lurker from Ireland. Just had to add re. Lorette’s post that the ‘Undertoad’ expression comes from John Irving’s ‘World According to Garp’ and I think was an expression used by the ill fated Walt, son of Garp.
I leave you with another Irving-ism which seems appropriate to the topic (from The Hotel New Hampsire). ‘Keep passing the open windows.’
Thanks for the great blog and great knitting.
🙂