Thanks everyone for your comments on my short-row pullover. (Hey! Has anyone out there in blogland actually finished this sweater? It’s not, like, impossible, is it?) I think what I’m going to do for now is pull out all the ends I knit in during the short-row section – and see how the stitches look then. If it comes down to the fact that I have to weave in the ends, then fine. Jen has graciously offered to pour the drinks while I’m doing it – you know so I don’t waste away while it takes me 8 yrs to do…. (PS – head over to her blog and see the great afghan she recieved from some kind hearted knitters!)
During Gilmore Girls repeats, I spent some time with the Pinwheel Blanket – I’ve got a round an half left on the 4th skein. The blanket is basically knit stitch – stockinette in the round – and there was something really comforting about that last night. Margene knows what I’m talking about – she wrote about it today. And I got a nice comment from Genia – who wrote the pinwheel blanket pattern. What a nice lift this morning, especially since I’ve been feeling very bitter-sweet lately, which is tough to take since I’m very much a milk chocolate kind of girl.
My sister’s having a baby. Like any second now. You mean, you didn’t hear? 😉 One of the greatest times in the history of our family. I’m sure you know by now how close I am with my nephew and niece – I love them beyond words. And now another baby to love beyond words. The kids are excited, the adults are a little bit crazed, and as much as I hate it, I’m a bit sad about the whole thing. I haven’t talked about it much here, but Georgie and I have been trying to have our own baby for going on three years. We’ve been through a lot, more than I ever thought, and nothing’s resolved. Some of it, most of it, stems from my own issues, since thankfully reproductive science can help us immeasurably.
There’s a part of me that prays holding that precious new baby will throw me over the edge of my doubts and fears. And there’s a part of me that is just so sad that this isn’t my baby, no matter how much I love her/him. My sister is beyond generous with her children’s time and love – and I am forever grateful for that. Another sad thing, Georgie and I will inevitably be a part for a while. While I’m so happy to be down with my sister’s family helping out, I miss him more than he ever knows. Part of the time he’ll be away in China, so I would be at my sister’s anyway, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him any less.
Spring has finally sprung around here – I say with my tongue planted firmly in my cheek – don’t want to piss off any weather gods – and while everything is being reborn around me, I’m dying a little inside.
How’s that for awful? 😉
Thanks for listening. Get outside today. It’ll do you some good!
Love,
Cara
PS – Thanks Secret Pal for the song this morning – just what I needed!!!!
I wish I didn’t, but I know exactly what you mean.
Cara my heart goes out to you. So many things to thing about in your post. Stockinette is a grrls best friend in times when you need to think things through. Hug the little ones and may your answer come.
You’re allowed to feel sad.
Infertility is a hard road to travel.
It’s gotta help for you to get your feelings “out there” on your blog. Good for you. And, I second Emma~ you are allowed to feel sad. Don’t beat yourself up for your feelings.
Without the bitter there would be no sweet. Pretty shitty huh?
i’m so sorry you’re down, and i’m with emma — you’re allowed. you’re in my thoughts and prayers; let the sun smile on you a little today when you don’t feel like it yourself…we’re sending you hugs!
You know, if your sister is half as sensitive as you are, she knows that you’re feeling this way — and she understands, as does anyone who has an inkling about what it’s like. What shines brightest is the love.
You’re welcome for the song, I’m glad it could help some. Reading your post reminds me of so many things. I have my children now, but getting them was a very difficult process that included a large dose of grief, and a huge sense of failure and distrust for my own body. The end of the innocence, so to speak.
I’m thinking of you.
Oh, I have a gift for you that I hope will go out tomorrow, I hope it makes it to you in time.
Oh Cara, I wish I could find just the right words to say. Bittersweet is exactly the right term isn’t it, when you are strugglig with infertility and the ones you love are due to have babies you know you will love to pieces too. I hope you will find yourself tipping over that line some day soon and holding a babe of your own in your arms one day soon. Whatever happens, you have every right to your feelings and miles of stocking stitch sounds like a wonderful companion. I have been finding the poncho rather soothing myself.
Lots of love to you, my friend. Hope that getting you shopping today at Handknits helped with some distraction at least. I’m here if you want to talk…
I wondered how you could be so joyful for your sister and at the same time not have any longings of your own. Yup, like everyone says: bitter and sweet.
I share your feelings, and what you’re going through. I take comfort in the fact that as I work through my feelings, the bitter part will go away and I will be a better aunt/cousin/friend to all the children in my life. But it’s a long process and I know that, for me, the end of the pain feels very far away.
Lots of love to you Cara. And hugs. And chocolate.
Your post brought back some familiar feelings. We often deny sadness — as if it’s a failing–and that’s not good, either.
Stockinette! xox Kay