Dream Baby Dream

Last night I had an awful dream – I was injecting myself with something and I knew that injecting myself with this “stuff” was going to kill me, but I did it anyway.

Yeah. Not so much fun to wake up to a suicide dream. Although, I realize, that it has nothing to do with suicide and everything to do with being pregnant. I’m thinking that the injections symbolized the fertility drugs I had to take to get pregnant and the dying wasn’t so much a physical death but a METAphysical death. You know – like the death of my current identity being morphed into my NEW identity as a mother? Just my armchair psychology for the day, but it was spooky nonetheless. Took me awhile to fall back to sleep again.

I’ve pretty much escaped the crazy dreams of pregnancy. I have one every now and then but most of the time I’m pregnant in my “regular” dreams and I’m always telling people I can’t do this or that because DUH I’m pregnant. Tellingly I wasn’t pregnant in last night’s dream. Georgie, my poor sweet, has been shouldering the bulk of the nightmares this pregnancy. I think because I manage to work out my anxieties while I’m awake rather than asleep.

The identity dream fits well with all the work we’ve been doing around the house. Sunday we needed two cars to schlep the FIFTEEN bags we had filled to the Salvation Army. FIFTEEN and yet our house is still filled with crap and looks a mess. Georgie started moving things out of the room that will eventually be the baby’s which means I have to now SHARE the spaces I’ve called my own for the last ten years. Not too much resentment here. I walk into my closet and there’s all of his STUFF.

It’s okay. I’ll get used to it. And it’s not like we’re all freaked out that the room won’t be ready for the baby, per se. I mean, the furniture and stuff won’t be delivered until AFTER the baby’s born – it’s that we have 16 years of accumulated CRAP that needs to be weeded through and thrown out and the baby is just an excuse. I keep telling myself that this is a great exercise because hopefully sometime in the next year we will be moving and there won’t be as much to throw out when we do!

It is a daunting task though. Yesterday I actually got down on my hands and knees and vacuumed the base boards next to my bed and underneath my night stand. DISGUSTING. I told my sister and she said WOW – you really are nesting. Guess it’s true.

I also did some knitting!

Friday – when we had no heat or hot water – it turns out a transformer blew in our building. So in order to fix it they had to turn off all of our electricity. They did this at 2PM. I thought GREAT! I’ll get out my Creative (like an IPOD only BETTER) and listen to some podcasts and finish Oblique’s sleeves! Only the Creative was dead. So I knit to the tune of jackhammers (they had electricity, of course) until the sun went down. Then G came home and rescued me from the cold and the dark. Sometime while we were out, the lights went back on – as well as the heat and hot water.

I did manage to finish the sleeves. And I did the button bands on the body AND I seamed the raglans. All I need to do now is the collar, finish seaming and decide what to do with the bottom of the sleeves. I sort of draped it on my shoulders and this thing is HUGE! I think, it will get a bit smaller once it’s all seamed up, but still – it’s like a blanket coat! Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing at all. I hope to have it finished by the end of the week. There’s a chance I’m going to run out of yarn, but I have an angel helping me out. Margene has the yarn in her stash and she’s going to send me a skein. Although, I think, now, I might be okay. Fingers crossed!

I knit something else yesterday too!

Believe it or not, I wore my first pair of monkeys Sunday night! We had a party to go to and I wanted some fancy socks in case I took my shoes off and I pulled a pair of monkeys out of my sock drawer. I have never worn ANY of the monkey socks I knit! NONE! I mentioned that I’ve been thinking about socks a lot lately and wearing them was so fantastic that I took out the Purple Rain STR Monkey that I started a million years ago – actually it was back in August. Last I knit these I was on the heel flap. Yesterday I managed to finish the flap, turn the heel and knit the gusset! All night long I kept telling Georgie how good it felt to be knitting SOCKS! This was all punctuated by the fact that I went through my “pedestrian” sock drawer over the weekend and got rid of EVERYTHING. I told G – once you’ve gone handknit – you never go back.

Thank you all for all your encouragement and support about my last post. I’m much calmer now (although we do have childbirth class tonight) and I’m handling my fears pretty well. I’ve been reading some stuff – stuff that pisses me off and makes me feel VERY judged and stuff that assuages my fears and lets me know that whatever I want is truly fine. It seems to me that the baby will be coming out of my body – in some way shape or form and that’s NATURAL. Nothing about this pregnancy started out conventional – so who’s to say the end will be that way as well? I’m open. Truly open. And I think that can only be a good thing for my body as well as my mind. I have some very solid ideas about how I want things to go – and that really has more to do with how I want to be treated (with respect and honesty and intelligence) than the actual EVENTS that take place. I trust my husband implicitly that he will help me to have the best birth I can have. So thank you for your confidence in me. It means a lot.

Off to get rid of more stuff! It’s so FREEING!
L, C


  1. I have really, really bizarre dreams already. I can hardly wait to see what pregnancy might have in store for me in that arena.
    I can’t wait to see your completed Oblique! It looks like it’s going to be cozy and warm, which is really what we all need right now.

  2. Your Oblique is looking fantastic. Adding the collar and finishing the seaming will go a loooong way to making the fit less huge.

  3. Ingrid Turk says:

    Delurking to support you in your ideas and attitude about birth. I found the classes to be good because they covered possible scenarios and helped us make a plan that was flexible. Our baby came early and we missed the breastfeeding classes, but the kid’s a champ and I called a nurse to supervise every feeding for three days! I must have gotten every bit of advice (some of it contradictory) that those maternity nurses (and mothers) had. So we kept what worked and ignored what didn’t.
    My husband went to the final preparation class and was able to give our classmates first-hand info about the experience. He said it was like being a hero that night. (He’s a hero, period)
    And yay for handknit socks!

  4. Your last paragraph is the perfect way to conceptualize how you want the birth to go in my mind. I firmly believe in minimal intervention and wanted that for myself (and for others if I confess) but I also think that you can’t always get what you want, and that if you go into it hoping for the best and demanding to be treated well whatever the outcome, you’ll feel good about how it all goes.
    I wished things about my births had been better, but only fleetingly–having the babies was all I really needed!
    And we had two children (22 months apart) in a tiny 2 bedroom flat that included my home office for my PhD. It was full (I had ikea shelves everywhere) but it was also cozy. You’re making a great physical and psychological home for your kid!
    You’re right, it is liberating (I’m doing the cull too).

  5. Knitting and nesting…perfect.

  6. Wait, what? You hadn’t worn ANY of them before last night?? GIRL. I finished mine and didn’t even wait to block them before they were on my feet. How did you manage to keep from, like, rolling around on them and putting them on your hands and making puppets and generally making a fool of yourself over them? Monkeys…they are like crack.
    I like the new ones you’re making. 😉

  7. i am so diappointed with store bought kids socks that I may start knitting my 2 year old some woolen ones. His feet are always cold. Anyone have a good toe-up for size 10 kids feet? When will Ann Budd do a kids book?

  8. It sounds like you have the right attitude! Every delivery is different, to have expectations (other than the ones you outlined above) only sets you up for disappointment.
    Happy cleaning!

  9. I remember ALL the crazy pregnancy dreams I had, it just means pretty soon you’ll see that beautiful face and hold that little babe in your arms!
    Speaking of beautiful…your wips are fabulous!!!

  10. Cara, when the time comes remember that usually the nurses in labor/delivery are fantastic !! They usually are the creme de-la-creme of the nursing world. In the early stages when things are calm talk to your nurse and let her get to know you, what you want, Ask her/him questions and let them fill you in on some details on how labor and deliver is run.

  11. A MONKEY! Fantastic! I didn’t realize how much I missed your sock progress shots until now. I hope we’ll see more socks when you have time.
    Here’s hoping the class goes well tonight.

  12. I too have missed your socks-in-progress photos. I think I knit my first pair of Monkeys, mainly because yours are so pretty!

  13. Oh there is nothing like that moment when you realize that the baby actually HAS to come out of your body. Really, non-negotiable. Yikes! I remember it well. Freaked me out the second time too. A caught me totally by surprise, even though I had been through the whole thing before. Heh. The knitting is, as always awesome. Nest away!!

  14. Oh there is nothing like that moment when you realize that the baby actually HAS to come out of your body. Really, non-negotiable. Yikes! I remember it well. Freaked me out the second time too. A caught me totally by surprise, even though I had been through the whole thing before. Heh. The knitting is, as always awesome. Nest away!! LOVE YOU

  15. As I am 3 weeks away from delivering my fourth child, all I can tell you is…trust YOUR instincts. When the time comes, you’ll know what to do. This is what the female body was built for. If something doesn’t feel right, speak up. If you decide you want an epi, say so. If you don’t, say so. You’ll know what your body can and cannot handle.
    With my first one, I had exhausting and much more painful contractions because of back labor. No one told me it was because the baby was facing the wrong way, and I hadn’t read about it either. When I finally agreed to an epi, it allowed me to relax enough that my body finished dilating (which had stalled) and I was ready to push within an hour. (My doctor uses the one that blocks the pain, but allows you to feel the need to push when it comes.) I’m planning on having an epi with this last one too just for my own personal peace of mind.
    Oh, and after delivery, be prepared for the major shakes. After all that work, it’s your body’s way of recovering from the stress of birth. But, they calm down pretty quickly once you get to hold the baby. Everybody forgot to tell me about those before my first one, so just a friendly heads up! 🙂
    P.S. The third one decided to turn on me like #1 did and start giving me back labor. This time, the nurse told me exactly why, and got me up on my hands and knees and had me rotate my hips in order to encourage it to flip back. I felt ridiculous, but it worked.

  16. Your dream interpretation sounds pretty good to me. When you become a parent everything changes. All of a sudden you’re in a different generation. You’re the same person you always were, and yet a lot is new, and you have to literally and figuratively throw out lots of crap to make room for the new stuff. It’s very scary. I tried to let go of my control-freakery and channel my inner pothead (hey, man, sure, whatever, peace and love…).
    I had every intention of having both of my kids the old-fashioned way. Both of them decided to come out via an exit created just for them instead. Everything turned out fine in the end.

  17. the nurses really are the best. It turned out my nurse was my college RA which was bizarre! She was fantastic. They are more people-like than doctors and will really make eveything okay. Plus when you are done its the nurses who bring you juice and food and make you comfy.

  18. I’m with Mel on this one. Don’t let anyone let you feel judged for what you want for your birthing experience, or for feeling how you feel about it. It’s about you and your baby, and it’s your experience. You gotta do what feels right for you.

  19. The Monkeys have me in their hold too.

  20. your sweater’s looking great as well as the sock. You’re such a great communicator I doubt you’ll have any problems PLUS G will be there with you – as long as he knows what you want, you and the babe will be fine!

  21. Sweater is lovely, socks are inspiring (it was you who inspired me to my first pair of hand knit socks (monkeys) and I can’t get enough of them!
    Advice on stuff that pisses you off: Stop reading that crap. Do what feels right for you. Others can go pound sand!!

  22. Weird pregnancy dreams…..that’s one of the first signs for me….I have weird dreams the whole time I’m pregnant…..one week I had a whole array of dreams that were basically musicals!

  23. I still don’t share a closet with Dave, only because we have 2.5 closets in the house and he has infinitely more work clothes than I do. The girls, sadly, take whatever space is left.
    Dude, wear those Monkeys! I have to knit another pair because I always have them on. I bought a pair of Keens just so I could wear my socks and have been oh so happy.
    Wishing you happy dreams tonight! Sleep well!

  24. Glad you were able to work on your Oblique. The Purple Rain socks are fab! Remember as you go thru the miracle that is the birth of your baby…trust yourself. Everyone has an opinion, but ultimately YOU will know what is best for you and your baby.

  25. SnowCat MacDobhran says:

    Oh my god is it freeing – I had to sort and throw out when my husband moved into my tiny apartment. It’s like a weight is being removed from your shoulders you never knew you had. I’m a total pack rat, but with the hub’s help, I’m finally letting go of many things, much more than just physical, and able to moving on to our next stage.
    Then we bought a house with 4x the square footage of the apartment. I’ve lost a little momentum, but not much.

  26. Not to be overly dense, but what on earth have you been wearing, if not monkeys? Are you a bare-footer, or just going slowly through the massive stockpile of Jaywalkers?

  27. Cara,
    First off on the birth thing…I have done this a few times and you just have to sort of own it BUt like planning a vacation, you can’t plan too much because if something unexpected comes up you will be let down. Have a general outline (or I call it my imaginary list) of how you would LIKE things to go, but keep in mind that they will go as they will and Nature has control in this situation not you. YOu are just along for the ride.
    My friend had had a baby shortly before my first and told me how she lost it, was screaming and crying and peed on her slippers. You would think it would freak me out, but really, it just gave me inspiration to NOT do that. And I didn’t. I am not saying I am some hero by any means, but I did just decide I was going to focus and concentrate on myself and the baby and I think I did pretty well.
    ALso, I am sure you have heard of Doulas. I had one for my 5th despite a planned section. Best decision I ever made.
    As far as the clutter, I seriously advise you visit flylady.com. it’s a totally free site and I am not advertising, I just like her. And she just sort of gives tips on how to get the clutter under control w/ out driving yourself nuts about it. IT’s a nice site to go to now and then for house cleaning inspiration. SHe saved my life. We have a huge house and lots of kids which equates to LOTS of stuff. PLus my mother and grandmother were antique dealers so add on like a wooden phone booth, a housier, three china cabinets to house the insane amount of antique glass….flylady just gives you advice on how to let go, what to let go of and how to best do it w/ out killing yourself in the process.
    and don’t worry too much about room for the baby. you aren’t gonna put him/ her down for the first, oh 6 months, because you won’t want to anyhow!
    GOod luck, you are in my thoughts.

  28. The only dream I remember from pregnancy was giving birth to kittens (!)… but the rest of the picture was 100% traditional: Climbing roses, Thomas Kincaid cottage, and white picket fense.) The kids turned out NON-traditional, but wonderful.
    Your decreases/sleeves (?) are beautiful.
    As are the monkeys!!

  29. If you’re vacuuming baseboards,
    Of course, whatever you and G decide, in the moment, when it counts and matters, is the right decision.
    How could it be otherwise? The only thing that bugs me is the people who have it all figured out, but they haven’t done it yet. It’s a complicated thing. Women used to die, quite regularly, doing this thing. So let’s not be too quick to judge.
    xo Kay

  30. Good for you on making some room and getting rid of some crap! Now you have more room for yarn! That little baby won’t take up that much room at first. Hold on to those thoughts about your birth. It’s your birth afterall. Stand up for what you really want, and don’t let anyone talk you into anything you’re not ready for. That’s really my only problem with hospitals, they seem to be there to “manage” a labor as opposed to just letting it happen. Of course with malpractice and everything, there’s really no easy solution. You and Big Daddy go in there guns blazing and don’t let them boss you around. So there.

  31. I can’t believe you knit all of those Monkeys and never wore any. OMG, I just finished a pair of Monkeys in STR, your colorway, and I just adore them! I was wearing the first one while waiting for the second one to be done!
    i think whatever choices you make regarding delivery are what are best for you and G. Do what you need to do.

  32. Geraldine Kiser says:

    Just one question…are you gonna take knitting to the hospital with you?? 8^)
    (If you do, make it something totally simple, because you won’t believe how out of it you are for a while. I filled out a questionnaire from my LaMaze teacher and then later proofed it. I was shocked at how goofy I was!)

  33. WOW! I love the monkey socks. I have been putting off making them, but perhaps you have twisted my arm. Don’t finish up all your knitting, you want to have something fun to do while you are at the hospital waiting for the wee one to be born! 😉
    Don’t let anyone make you feel judged about your birth thoughts and ideas. Sometimes folks just get excited and write without thinking and don’t think about how their words might make another person feel. This is your birth; and all births are different. The best part about birth is this … the end prize is WONDERFUL! After it is all said and done, you will be filled with such love for that little warm bundle that you will not give a damn about all of the birth stuff you just endured! No matter what, you and your hubby are gonna ROCK when it comes time to have your baby!
    Thank you for your Blog.

  34. Your nesting and clearing out are signs of hope. Your approach to birthing is a sign of reality. I think that’s a pretty good balance for dreaming.

  35. Yup, nesting I’d say… as for stuff, well, having a kid just multiplies and magnifies the amount of stuff you accumulate. Crazy dreams? Always. One night when I had first gotten pregnant I had a dream that I couldn’t have an abortion because I was pregnant, then a night terror, then a dream that somebody handed me a dali-esque painting of a plate with dripping chromosomes entitled ‘Trisomy 21’. I spent half the night on the toilet… in the morning I said to dh (then db) we’re going to the drugstore… immodium and pregnancy test kit, because that was just too weird a night. Turned out I was pregnant, and also food poisoned.

  36. What a wild dream, at least you were able to think past the suicide aspect of it and figure out what it might really mean.

  37. My three girls were all born in the 80’s when “natural childbirth” was what we were all supposed to strive for. I had a midwife with the last two and managed to deliver all three drug free. They were 81/2 and 91/2 pounders and were facing backward. It was hard work and I think what made it ok was that it was what I wanted. If I had wanted drugs, I would have had them. You are a smart woman and nobody knows you like you know you. Do what you need to to make this be a good experience for you.

  38. I suggest reading “The Thinking Woman’s Guide to a Better Birth.” She clearly prefers natural (what I wanted too, but the boy had other ideas). This book is awesome, because it gives you the pros and cons of all of your choices. And no matter what you CHOOSE or just what ends up happening, you will understand what is going on and what effect your choices will have on your body and your baby. And understanding the effects of your choices will automatically give you a better birth experience.

  39. I LOVE my Creative! Radio Shack sells a great car charger that has interchangeable tips so you only need one thing to charge your cell phone, Creative, whatever, instead of keeping tons of separate cords. They’ve got tips for the various Creative players. If there’s another outage you could re-charge in your car!

  40. I had my first and only baby when I was 35. I was treated as an at risk because of my age, at the time it was less frequent for mums to have their babies in their 30s (I am only talking 12 years ago mind). I had a much easier time than all the springier, tauter young things, and I think it was due to being as calm about it all as I could. Its gonna happen, that you can be sure of so why not make the most of it. It is so very personal to you, what choices you make, it is your experience and will be your memory, not anyone elses, not even G, his will be different. I only had gas and air and didn’t have any stitches, she was 7lbs 11ozs and the labour was 3.5 hours in total. I would suggest try some meditation if you can, just chill and enjoy it, because when that baby arrives, you will be busy thats for sure. Babies are so intutitive and pick up instinctively on your mood, so if you are chilled the baby will be so as well. Sending chilled vibes from the UK.

  41. How funny you said you haven’t wore your socks! I just said that on my post that I have a drawer full that I just look at, never wear and keep making more!!! its crazy.

  42. Hi Cara! I nominated you as one of the ten bloggers who “Make My Day”. You can check it out on my blog. Don’t feel obligated to pass it on if you don’t have time.