Time Flies

I’m so sorry. This is the longest I’ve gone without blogging since I started this blog over five years ago. I’m going to try to bring you up to speed by being completely random.

– I’m 30 weeks pregnant. My repeat c-section is scheduled for early June. The day can’t come soon enough. Even though I have a ton of stuff to do before the baby arrives, and I’m scared to death of two instead of one, not to mention I’m worried about Meli and how she’ll react (more really about my hospital stay than the baby), I much prefer babies on the outside than the inside. I have to admit I’m feeling a lot better this time around (probably because the baby’s position is a lot different than the way I carried Meli) but I still don’t like being pregnant. On my best day I still feel crappy and uncomfortable. And it makes me crazy. In all likelihood this is our last go at this and I have to say I’m looking forward to the freedom of not worrying about getting pregnant or being pregnant ever again. I’ve spent the last eight years thinking about getting pregnant or being pregnant or planning my next pregnancy and it’s time to move on.

– We’ve been spending A LOT of time on the house. Nesting started before Meli’s birthday in March when I decided that we needed to get rid of the 70 boxes of books in the living room, not to mention all the other junk that had accumulated there. Boxes breed is all I’ll say. I had the master bedroom closet done and while the closet people were here I had them look at the basement. Literally two days later I had gorgeous shelves in my basement for about 2/3 of my books and a new closet. And the living room is empty. But not for long.

– Meli’s new big girl room is the number 1 priority right now because I want her out of our bedroom (she currently sleeps on her mattress on the floor next to my bed) at least a month before the baby arrives, so the baby can take up residence in our room. Wouldn’t want Georgie and I to get too spoiled thinking we could sleep on our own any time soon. Meli is very excited about her room. She’s been integral in picking out the carpets and the paint color and the room will be PURPLE! Luckily we’re all pretty partial to the color and I’m super excited to get it done. Furniture will all be white and from Ikea and it could be completed within the next two weeks! All I need is one more painter to get back to me and then we’re good to go. The carpet’s already in – so as soon as the paints done, we’re done.

– We’re also doing the living room. Right now our “den” is the basement, but G really misses apartment living. Not our building or our apartment, but the lack of stairs. Our living room is fairly large and we’re going to sort of split it into two rooms. A more formal sitting area and a TV viewing area. This way we can go hang out in the living room after meals and stuff and not have to walk any stairs. I found two area rugs that I LOVE and now I’m picking paints. All I care is that the furniture is ordered before the baby comes – the room doesn’t have to be finished.

– Speaking of G and stairs, recovery is slow. His hip is actually doing well, but he’s had a bunch of subsequent injuries that have really hampered his recovery. It’s certainly taken a toll on him – he’s still in pain much of the time and the whole point of the operation was to get him OUT of pain – so that’s a real bummer. But it’s taking it’s toll on all of us. He still can’t really lift Meli at all. And I’m 30 weeks pregnant. It’s been a really hard winter for all of us. I do feel like he’s improving though! And he feels like he’s improving. It’s clear all will not be the way we had hoped by the time the baby arrives, but it will be better. That means so much.

– I filed our taxes yesterday. Burden lifted. Enough said.

– I have not knit a stitch in months. Which is super pathetic because I was very close to finishing a cute sweater for my brand new niece born in early February. It’s too late now because not only will it be too small, but too hot. Auntie FAIL.

– Instead of knitting I’ve been reading. I tore through Kate Atkinson’s Jackson Brodie mysteries. Couldn’t put them down and was so so sad when I finished. Luckily there’s a new one coming out in August. I think. I started a couple of things but finally got my can’t stop reading groove back with Dara Horn’s All Other Nights. I started it on the first night of Passover and was finished before the last night.

– It makes me sad, the no knitting. I feel incredibly disconnected from the community and all that’s going on out there in knitland. This isn’t any reason for me to stop knitting, but I don’t feel the urgency I used to feel and I think a lot of that has to do with feeling so out of the loop. I barely read blogs let alone blog myself and I have no knitting to blog about and ostensibly this IS a knitting blog and I’m not a big fan of ravelry. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great for searching out patterns, but to really have your pulse on things you probably have to hang out in forums and stuff and I got my fill on forums way back when I was first starting to get pregnant.

– Don’t get me wrong. I love my life. My family, my kid(s), my husband – all are wonderful even when they’re not, but I’m missing that ME thing. Knitting was it for a long time. My photography has certainly taken a back seat as well (the economy, bad camera purchase and lack of desire are to blame there.) Before I got pregnant with Meli, one of the things I talked about in therapy was that I needed to ask for and accept help. My responsibility was to take care of the baby and I was supposed to let everyone else (husband, family) take care of me. It was a really nice time. This pregnancy, I’m like #487 on the list of priorities, if I’m even ON the list. Which is fine. I’m not complaining. This is what I signed up for and I knew it going in, but I miss that me time. That time that is all mine. Maybe that’s why I’ve been reading so much. Trying to get lost.

– I love Simply Lemonade. Especially Raspberry. I was going to buy a different lemonade the other day at the grocery store and the guy stocking shelves told me not to buy the one I had in my hand, that Simply Lemonade was so much better. I have to admit I was skeptical, but Meli was about to lose it and I felt kind of pressured, but then I was so happy. Love it! I wish I could thank the guy and apologize for the doubt.

– Nice weather makes everything better.

– This blog post is brought to you by my sleek new Vivienne Tam HP Notebook. Georgie bought it for me for when the baby’s born so I can get online in the house easily. I rarely ever get upstairs to the office on the third floor anymore and while my Droid is great for checking emails and fb, etc., it still can’t do everything a computer can do. The notebook came just in time too – the same day Meli threw my Droid in the toilet. Yes. She’s two.

– Meli is two. Her birthday was in March and she is just the sweetest, smartest, funniest, cutest, most wonderful human being in the world, even when she’s driving me insane. I’m the luckiest mom in the universe to have her. Her prediction on baby number two: a boy. And we should name him Puppy.

– I won’t come back without a picture or two. One of the belly and one of my little girl. Promise.

Hope you’re all well. I miss you.
L, C

Giving Thanks

Thank you all so much for the birthday wishes, congratulations on our good news and best wishes for G. The surgery was over a week ago now and he’s doing okay. By all accounts the actual surgery, hip resurfacing, was a success, but there have been a few complications following it that have made recovery pretty hard. I hesitate to say we’ve turned a corner, but yesterday was way better than the day before. The rest of the family is still sleeping (THANK GOD!) so the jury is still out on today, but I have a better feeling about things.

It’s been a really hard last month.

I’m exhausted.

I figure this is good practice for when the baby comes. Who needs sleep, right?

I should really go back to bed, but I wanted to pop in and give thanks to all of you. And say this: hug your loved ones today. Tell them you love them and appreciate them. Say thank you.

L, C


I’ve been writing this post in my head for days and I really hoped to have posted it yesterday, but first the plumber came over to fix the boiler then the baby didn’t nap until late, and when I finally thought I had a chance, the gas company came over to check the horrific smell that’s been emanating from our oven every time we use it. Ah the joys of home ownership/motherhood/life. HAHAHAHA! Like I’d want it any other way.

One of the things I’ve been thinking about is, of course, the passing of the decade. Having been born in a 0 year (1970 for those wondering) when the world’s decade changes, so does mine. It’s been particularly interesting for me this year because it seems that everyone keeps talking about how awful the last ten years have been and what a relief it is that the oughts (ought what? aught? whatever!) are over.

I turned 30 in 2000 and I was so super excited about it. For me it meant I wasn’t a kid anymore and I fully embraced my adulthood. My 20s weren’t the best and I couldn’t wait to leave them behind. I was much more settled and self-assured and I was finally an adult that could do all kinds of adult things with (at the time) a limited amount of responsibilities. FUN TIMES!

The past ten years, for me, have been the most fulfilling, most joyous, most content years of my life. So far. In the past ten years I became an aunt (almost) six times over. I became a wife. I became a mother.

I learned to knit.

I had my greatest professional accomplishments in that I had original fiction published four times. I started my own business. We bought a house. (The apartment we bought in the 90s.) The list goes on and on and mostly it’s good.

I also survived some pretty devastating stuff – infertility the highest among them.

But I’d like to think I came out stronger and more self-aware and self-assured than I would have had I not lived through these things.

I guess it’s true that the past ten years haven’t been the best in terms of the United States or the world in general but for me they’ve been very full and fulfilling. I’m a little sorry to let my 30s go.

No fear though – 40 will prove to be just as exciting! Why just next week my husband will finally have the hip surgery, postponed three years ago, that should change his life for the better. Fingers crossed that his debilitating pain ends quickly and that he recovers and rebounds fast and furiously! He better because come Spring, we’ll have another little one to contend with! YES! We’re having a BABY! Our due date is mid-June (the actual due date varies depending upon which doctor you speak to) and so far everything is great. And by great I mean that I feel like crap all the time (just like the first.) I’m just about 16 weeks now and for the first 13.5 I was sicker than with Meli, but I actually think I’m a bit better now than I was with her at the same time. So maybe it won’t be as bad the whole way through. Trust me when I say you’re glad I wasn’t around when I was really sick though because I was REALLY sick and not an ounce of fun.

For the curious few, we did a frozen embryo transfer again and everything worked perfectly, just as it did the first time. We are extremely lucky and know it. We tell ourselves all the time.

So here I am, forty and knocked up. Want to see a picture? (No belly – just me and my girl!)

Anyway – there we are. The picture was taken last Monday and I still can’t believe how long our hair is! Someone needs a comb!

Let’s start the year off right, shall we? Just yesterday I finished a pair of birthday socks for myself:

I have been waiting to use this sock yarn, STR Lightweight in Crazy Lace Agate, for years. Some how I never got around to a jaywalker with it, and then I tried a number of patterns but never really found anything I loved. To stripey for a Monkey. But I never really wanted a plain stockinette sock. Enter the Sunday Swing Sock from Knitty. Completely perfect for stripey sock yarn – it knocks the stripes a little off balance and has just enough change up in the pattern to make it NOT a plain old stockinette sock. I used a reverse chart I found on ravelry for the second sock for a mirrored pattern. Damn fine if I don’t say so myself!

Knitting was scarce for a while when I was feeling so sickly, but I feel it coming back with a vengeance. One of my goals for today is wind up yarn for a baby gift for an upcoming niece or nephew – birthday surprise – so I have some good and easy hospital knitting. And there are countless socks that need mates, so there’s always that. And for a birthday present today, I bought this. Now to find the right yarn….

I’m not sure how much I’ll be writing in the coming months. It’s really so hard these days. Meli is almost two(!!!) and is constantly telling me to put whatever it is I’m doing down and PAY ATTENTION TO HER. Sleep is scarce around here as well and I’m tired. The computer isn’t where I’m at most days. If it wasn’t for my smartphone (I’m a DROID girl) I would never know anything about anything. Unless it happens on Sprout. So pathetic.

If I’m not here please know that I’m thinking about you. This blog has been a major part of my life for just about half the previous decade. Scary to think, but it’s true. I have treasured it – AND YOU – for there is no it without you and am so glad it all came into my life. Whatever happens to this blog – whatever iteration it takes on – it will always be a hallmark of my 30s and I will never forget the friends it brought to my life. Thank you so much for reading.

I wish you all a wonderful new year and a fantastic decade to come.
L, C

Alive and (Sort of) Well

Sorry for the radio silence, yet again. This life thing is really annoying.

Turns out, Dr. Internet was right about the opthalmic migraines. The retina specialist told me my eyes were completely fine and it was a migraine. I’ve had it a couple more times now, but it obviously hasn’t freaked me out nearly as much. Just really annoying. That first one was REALLY scary though!

Rhinebeck was lots of fun. I didn’t bring a camera and even the camera on my phone was broken, so I can’t show you proof that I was there, but I was. I didn’t really buy much and we didn’t make it to the fair on Sunday, opting instead for some family time in the pool at the hotel before the rains came. We had a good time though for sure and I was so glad to see some familiar faces. It seems like a lifetime ago that Rhinebeck was the center of the universe – blasphemy I know – but it doesn’t feel like that anymore.

I haven’t been feeling very well lately and I’m hoping it passes soon, and Meli seems to have caught something as well. I do have some super cute pictures of her but I don’t have them on this computer so I’ll have to post them later. Hopefully tomorrow.

The biggest of big news is that WE SOLD OUR APARTMENT! Closed and everything. Done. Finito. And not a moment too soon. I can’t tell you what a relief this is and what a difficult sale it was. Our lawyer advised at least three times to back out because the buyers were so diffiicult, but when you’re desperate, what are you going to do? It’s DONE.

Anyway – life in the suburbs is boring (well – not for me – but to talk about.) I’m not even knitting these days. Seems I don’t like to knit when I feel sick. Go figure – just when you need some comfort in your life the comfort makes you feel worse.

I just wanted to check in and say I’m alive. One of these days I’m going to get back in the swing of this here blog. Or at least I can dream. Hope you’re all well!

Darkness on the Edge of Town

You’re all very sweet to worry that something must be very wrong for us to miss a Bruce concert, but the gluttonous truth is that we’re seeing him tonight. And next Friday night. And in November. See? It’s all good.

I hate that I haven’t been here much lately. Things are going well behind the scenes – well – sort of well. The previous owner of our house neglected to tell us that the shower (the only shower in the house) leaked when it needed to be regrouted and we were surprised by a leaky hole in our newly painted kitchen ceiling yesterday morning. SURPRISE! And he also neglected to mention that there might be a problem with the heater, which shut off soon after we turned it on the day before yesterday and then proceeded to leak onto the basement floor. SURPRISE AGAIN! The plumber and I are now good friends.

(Yes we had the house inspected. And yes we are looking into our legal rights on these issues.)

Home ownership is fun! I did buy some beautiful mums and some pumpkins (a big one for Daddy, a medium one for Mommy and a baby one for Meli!) for our front step which made me exceedingly happy. Of course that was before the house started to leak everywhere.

Oh and our apartment is off the market. I shouldn’t even be saying this but we’re out of the LONGEST ATTORNEY REVIEW ON RECORD and await the joys of inspection. If this deal closes it will be a miracle. The only good thing about it is we won’t own it anymore. Enough said.

Meli is fantastic. I wish I had pictures to show you – I took some on Labor Day (really truly that’s the last time I took pictures of her. How pathetic is that?) But I haven’t had the opportunity to process them yet. My office is on the third floor and I’ve started working again (not that I’ve been getting any work done) but I can’t really be up here with Meli so I never really get up here. Eventually the plan is to have a computer station in the basement where the playroom is and then hopefully I can be on the computer while she plays. I actually go DAYS without being online. It’s good I guess, if I felt like I was being productive in other ways, but really I feel completely out of touch.

Back to Meli. She runs, she jumps (well – she tries really hard), she sings, she talks NONSTOP. For the most part she’s just a love to be with all day long and I wouldn’t trade her for the world but she doesn’t like to fall asleep. Once she IS asleep she sleeps great – in her own bed (twin mattress on the floor with this GREAT PRODUCT to protect her from falling the 2″ to the ground) in her own room – but getting her to sleep is a total bitch. I’ve tried a lot of stuff, but I think she just takes a long time to get to sleep. I’m usually out cold before her and then I wake up and stick her in her own bed. We’ve tried naps, no naps, routines, blah blah blah. She just has trouble going to sleep. But this means I have no time at night to myself, which really sucks. And no real time in the morning to myself which really sucks. Just kind of like no time to myself. My dad’s been coming up once a week to play with Meli and that gives me a great break, but I need to find a mother’s helper or something. Eventually I’ll get to it. Like everything else.

Anyway, so that’s what’s been going on with me. I’ve been knitting, like I said, on socks. A new pattern is, believe it or not, in the rotation. I promise promise promise I will take pictures soon! Oh and my boobs stopped leaking – YAY! That was completely annoying and distressing for a bit. I’m loving the fall weather even if I am a bit freezing this morning with no heat. And I’m looking forward to Rhinebeck in a couple of weeks. We’ll be the family with the little girl who’s head keeps spinning around because of all the sheep. (Although if there were monkeys her head would absolutely explode!) BAAAAAAAAAAA!

Moving Day

Today we move. Georgie and I have been mondo sentimental the last few days as we’ve lived in our building for 18 years. Over 18 years. We grew up here – TOGETHER. When we moved in here lo those 18 years ago I was 21 and he was 27 and now we’re old(er.) As much as we want to leave and are excited for this new chapter, it’s really sad. It truly is the end of an era.

Also fate continued to show me that while we don’t have the best luck, we don’t have the worst luck either. We got an offer on the apartment yesterday. It might not be THE offer, but it’s an offer and traffic has ramped up considerably in the last week or so. There may be an end to this yet.

I’m not sure when I’ll be back on line – Verizon has proven itself to be just as wonderful as the cable companies of old – but as soon as I am I’ll check back in.

Okay. There are still lots of boxes to pack. Movers will be here in two hours.
L, C

Proust had his cookies

and I have – losing my cookies? In packing up my closet, I came across a skirt I wore a lot in the first trimester of my pregnancy and I was overcome with a feeling of intense nausea. It was like I could smell how things used to smell to me and it turned my stomach instantly.

I’m definitely not pregnant, just stressed. And filled with memories.

It’s Alive!

Oh my god! I really thought I had killed my blog.

So I post this super long post in a super long while and… nothing happened. As far as I was concerned I didn’t get a single comment. At first I thought this was weird and then I did some snooping around – no comments in MT in the comment section OR the entry. Nothing in my email. The comments appeared to be working. This precipitated an existential looking back on the last almost five years of this blog and an OH MY GOD I KILLED MY BLOG! It was my own fault. If you don’t post, people don’t read and with all the competition out there (twitter, ravelry, facebook) who can blame them?

In the end I was surprisingly okay with it all.

Then I posted again and still no comments and I was curious but resolved that if I was going to continue with the blog, well, it WAS really only going to be for me! I said it all along and now it was really true and that was OKAY. Pressure was off and maybe I could even get back into writing again the way I used to about things I love and excite me and I could be all funny and pithy and I could build it all back up again. Or not. I did it once I could do it again and besides I’m doing it all for me anyway so what’s the difference if it works or not. I’ve always said you have to write for yourself in the end or it doesn’t really work even though the audience is a super big plus.

I end up being all proud of myself for not being so upset that I’ve lost you all and gone ahead and killed the blog and I’m sitting here patting myself on the back for being so grown up about it (I will be 40 in January and I’ve been thinking a lot about being grown up) and then I get a hit on bloglines from my comment feed and WAIT… there actually ARE comments!

Turns out that there were actually quite a few comments (THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!) and that somehow they had all been trapped by the spam filters and ended up in the junk bin. That’s why they didn’t show up on the blog – at least most of them didn’t – and they didn’t hit my email and they didn’t hit the MT entry and I have no idea why all of this happened but in the end I’m glad. (The truth is my MT needs desperately to be updated but I don’t have it in me to do it anymore. I used to be able to stay up for days figuring it all out but those days are long gone. I’m not sure what I’m going to do here.)

It was an excellent exercise in the long run because I’m still here. For better or worse. With you all or all by lonesome. Seems I’m not quite done yet.

Thank you for reading!! I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your presence.

Checking In

Hey everybody! I finally got a minute to check out some blogs, read this post and was inspired to check in.

Things have been crazy.

We closed on our new house two weeks ago and I thought it would make me feel better – you know – have some closure on the whole thing – but it’s only made things worse. I love the new house – LOVE IT – but it still feels like we’re miles away from actually living there. We still are no where close to selling our current apartment – even though we’ve dropped our price to obscene levels. Every other week we get a looker but the only people who have been interested live in the building and are scared because they have to sell their own place. NOTHING is moving here right now. Absolutely nothing.

So since we have two places we thought we’d do a little cosmetic work to the new house before we move in. We’re putting in some carpet upstairs and we’d like to redo the first floor wood floors while it’s empty and my kitchen is beige to an extreme degree so I want to paint that as well as some other rooms and we need some electrical work done and I call and call and call vendors and I can barely get a proposal out of them and when I do, no one calls you back when you WANT TO HIRE THEM! It’s so unbelievably frustrating. I thought the housing market and everything about it was in a slump? Vendors were begging for work? Not around here I guess.

I honestly haven’t even started packing my apartment yet because we don’t have a move out date and I need that fire to get packing. Literally.

I’m back and forth all the time and it’s exhausting.

I have been knitting though! I finished all of the second socks to these first socks – so I have FIVE NEW PAIRS of socks for the winter. And believe it or not, I started a second set of five socks. All monkeys, all STR. I would be more than happy to show you them and I promise I will someday but the amount of work – taking the picture, loading it onto the computer, resizing it, blah blah blah – would just about kill me. That’s how emotionally, physically and mentally tired I am these days. And we haven’t even gotten to the hard stuff yet.

On the other hand, Meli is absolutely fantastic. She’s running, dancing, jumping (sort of) singing and she talks NON STOP from the minute she wakes up until she falls asleep. She has so many words and every day new ones pop out and she will try to say whatever you say. I’m working on happy birthday right now for my sister’s birthday on Friday. The saddest and sweetest thing she says is “here we go.” Whenever she’s upset and we’re in the car I guess I always say “here we go, here we go my love” to tell her that we’re on our way home and now, whenever she’s really upset she’ll start saying “here we go.” It just about breaks my heart but at the same time I’m bursting with the sweetness.

I’m in full court press on the weaning these days. I was doing fairly well weaning her during the day and then we took like eighty steps back and these week I’ve gone hard core. When she wakes up in the morning and has her last nurse, I tell her to say bye bye to the boobs, that we’ll see them when we go to sleep. We have our moments during the day, but for the most part she’s pretty good as long. I’ve got her drinking either chocolate or strawberry milk (our peds recommendation when she wouldn’t drink plain milk) out of these great cups (she prefers the straw) and when she’s upset I can usually get her to drink her milk while I hold her and she settles down. I have to say though we’ve been on the go A LOT. I feel like if we stop she’ll want to nurse so I run run run to keep her occupied. Another reason I’m exhausted. If things work our for the next week or so and we are through nursing during the day, I’m going to try this method for night weaning. My sister used it to wean her youngest – she said it was hard, but it worked. Oh and before I get crap for weaning her – the fertility clinic said she had to be weaned before I could start treatment again. What’s best for my family is best for my family. Discussion over.

Anyway, so that’s what we’re up to. They didn’t open our pool this summer because the construction is ongoing – when they work, that is, which is sad because we can’t even enjoy our last summer here. But we’re taking long walks and playing in playgrounds and I bought a hose and a wading pool for our new fabulous backyard. Summer seems like it might finally be here and I don’t care how tired I am, we’re going to enjoy it.

Hope your summer is going great! Thanks for checking in – I hope to be back soon!
L, C

Now That’s Odd

I just saw over at Wendy’s that today is Odd Day. Which completely explains everything because today has been totally awful. You see, I hate odd numbers. Really can’t stand them. One of those weird quirks I suppose but it’s nice to have a rational reason for being in such an awful mood. 😉